Fear and misery precede him.
He hath the fury of a thousand Sioux.
And none of the philosophical refinements.
Lo, mercy on he who should meet Senor Skullfire.
And witness the wrath of his flaming skull.

ed. Note: the following was discovered in the personal
effects of Targus Cleftson, who died earlier this year at age 174 in an Alabama
prison. He was the last remaining veteran of the Civil War.

On April 11, 1932, Colonel Ardavus Mistel lay dying. The
respected former Union officer had experienced 96 years in constant torment. He
harbored a dark secret known only to him that would consume his every thought.

Convinced that he would find no respite in death until
his conscience was cleansed, the dying Col. Mistel called for his only son, Wallingford
County Record editor Hundge Mistel. Barely able to speak, the Colonel
croaked for a pen and paper and recorded the following:

Freud, Christ, Jerry Falwell, Phyllis Schafly, Liberace:
these important scholars have all contributed to the sanitizing of American
sexual dialogue in the past century. However, such was not always the case.
There was a time in which blue language and descriptions of love affairs were
freely debated and discussed in public correspondence. This was startlingly
true during the Civil War. One example of the openness accorded sexual congress
during this period of time was Mistress Domage.

Commissioned in 1861 and quickly rising to the rank of General, Gerthack
McGillicudy was renowned for his sight on the battlefield and ability to
maneuver units into effective segments. Though it may seem outlandish in these
present times, much of the historical evidence from that era seems to point
towards an exceptionally long neck as the source of his successes. To wit:

Schenectady Picayune-Register: March 5, 1862

While the majority of these Civil War Stories are confined to the historical
going-ons of important American figures (great and small), it is natural for an
historian to excavate for her or himself a place in his or her heart to
ensconce that which said female/male historian has passion for. I may devote
much of my time and this electronic space to things that actually happened, but
I must admit a certain affinity for the cultural aspects of those who suffered
through the Civil War. It is with pleasure that I commend to you and to the
Gods of the Internet the following.

General Geiger awoke with a start. As soon as the sun
flooded his eyes and burned them with the ferocity of a thousand laser beams,
he clamped them shut. As he lay on his cot in the command tent, he attempted to
figure out where he was and what series of events had led him there.

(Or: The Open Mic That Changed Everything)

Familiar are we all with the tale of Christmas Eve, 1915.
Etched forever in our collective consciousness (thanks in large part to elementary
school history books) is the parable which showcases humanity’s aversion to
violence and war. On that holiday evening, as brutal war was waged between the
Allied Forces and the Central Powers, somehow camaraderie was discovered.

 

Zach, Alex, and Mark all saw Be Kind Rewind. They liked it and decided to chat about it. Here is the transcript unedited because we wanted it to be real and because we're lazy.

Mark Baumer has joined the chat

Alex Butzbach has joined the chat.

zach forsbergLary has joined the chat.

zach: what up g's

Mark: yo

Alex: Please don't call me that.

zach: so how do you sk8r punx wanna do this?

Mark: i don't really know

i just figured i'd say be kind rewind

and then someone else would say it

zach: be kind rewind

then what?

should alex say it too?

Alex: Well, I might begin by saying that I really like the title of the movie.

be kind rewind

zach: ok... now that that's out of the way...

Alex: I hate movies that have esoteric titles that only apply to, like, one scene at the end of the movie.

"Silence of the Lambs," anyone?

zach: i hate when people use the word esoteric in a chat...

lolzor

Alex: Why? It just means "bad," right?

As in, "Wow, that burrito I just ate was ESOTERIC! I'm talkin' shitty!"

zach: yeah... right... *groan

Mark: i hate when two people of the people in a three person chat are in the same room

Alex: We're actually in different rooms.

zach: we're separated by a wall.

Alex: Zach shut his door.

Mark: thank goodness

Alex: Wait...watch this.

Did you hear that, Zach?

zach: i only shut the door so i could look at pr0n without being bothered.

no.

hear what?

mark can you hear this?

Mark: no

Alex: I just threw masking tape at the wall.

zach: what?

i have headphones on.

Mark: i only hear master of puppets playing on my roommates computer

Alex: I think Zach just sent a cruise missle to your house. I'd be surprised if you didn't hear it, Mark.

zach: so did you guys like the movie? like, "like" like it?

Mark: best movie of 2008

so far

Alex: Well, I just talked to "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind," and she said that "Science of Sleep" said that "Armageddon" said that "Be Kind Rewind" liked me, like, A TON.

zach: i only saw BKR and SU2TS, so this was by far the best... oh and i saw that pile of dogshit "Juno"

Alex: But you know Armageddon. (on aderol).

zach: isn't it "adderall"

Alex: Yeah, I liked this movie a lot.

zach: or "aderall"

or something?

Alex: No, I was referring to the planet. The big one with the rings?

zach: i did too. i liked the parts when i laughed and the other parts where my heart was touched.

Mark: if you see one movie this year see batman...if you see two movies this year see be kind rewind and batman...and to continue if you see three movies this year see batman, be kind rewind, walle. if you see a fourth make sure its rambo. oh wait, iron man too. so that will be the fifth movie and if you have to see six movies then you should see step up 2 the streets

sorry

that was too long

zach: oh... if you see seven, rent "the color purple" whoopi is hot in it.

Sent at 4:43 PM on Thursday

zach: so i said to alex when we were sitting in the theater (alex... you might recall)... that Michel Gondry has a way of making a large-budget movie with big-name actors have a sort of low budget, arts-and-crafts feel... which isn't getting old yet.

maybe it will after like 7 or 8 films... but so far so good.

Alex: If you see only one made for TV movie miniseries based on articles from Playboy in 1988, I'd highly recommend "Ergibt Gut Ruckspulen."

Mark: yeah, i'll never eat a pizza the same way again

Alex: Or play an organ with kids as pipes.

zach: or dress in blackface.

Mark: or drive a cardboard car

zach wins

zach: thanks.

Alex: Or watch "Lethal Weapon."

Yeah.

zach: i already won... mark said so.

you can't score after a win.

Mark: he's just doing it for charity

Alex: Yeah, but you double-faulted.

zach: i also like that good-looking people (like jack black? and mos def?) look normal with natural lighting and minimal makeup.

i didn't double fault you ass-cake.

if anything you and mark did.

Alex: I agree, though I'm not sure if I prefer Mos Def as a rapper or actor.

zach: i only served once. and i still won.

Mark: i kind of want to see jack black and mos def remake be kind rewind

Alex: Maybe he should play Tupac in a movie and call it a night.

zach: i prefer him as a mathematician... but he just acts these days.

Mark: mos def seemed a bit mentally challenged in this movie

zach: hahaha... that would be cool.

Alex: Yeah. It would probably look like an infomercial on a 2 dollar budget.

AKA every movie I've ever made.

zach: he seems mentally challenged all the time. i wonder if he is?

Mark: i still liked him

zach: me too.

i like the handicrapped...

Alex: I thought he was great.

zach: oops.

*capped

Alex: And unconventially attractive.

zach: i think he's conventionally attractive.

Mark: i don't look to conventions or unconventions for beauty

zach: he's got a nice figure and a smooth complexion... and distinct chiseled facial features.

Alex: Well, my conventions for attractiveness are usually confined to women, so...ad hoc ergo propter hoc, ipso fact = I'm right.

zach: don't ever say such dumb meaningless bullshit again...

and you forgot the 'o' on "fact"

did you guys catch the cameo by the martin from science of sleep...

Mark: have you guys seen michel gondry solve a rubix cube with his nose

zach: he was waiting in line at the store.

Mark: blows will smiths performance in pursuit of happiness out of the water

zach: no, but i want to... i smell a viral youtube success.

Alex: I'll also refer to something Zach and I agreed upon last night - the parts of the movies they chose as emblematic were funny. Like, the stuff that isn't unimportant to the movie on the whole but that everyone remembers were what their movies basically were. Like getting slimed in Ghostbusters. Or the running around the spaceship in 2001.

Mark: oh i missed martin

zach: i mean serge, i think...and i think you mean "important" instead of "unimportant" alex.

oh shit... he really did solve that shit.

with his nose.

Alex: Boy, that Michel video gives new meaning to the phrase, "Major combat operations in Iraq are concluded, and we are victorious."

zach: no it doesn't.

Alex: Here's my question: I love Gondry's movies, but why the fuck did his parents give him a girl's name?

zach: what are you even saying? it's francais.

and you know that.

Alex: He probably got beat up a lot as a kid and got all introverted. That's why his movies are so cutesy and precocious.

zach: low-brow-howard.

Mark: isn't mos def french

zach: yeah for most deaf.

Alex: No, he's actually belgian. common mistake.

zach: so i guess he is retarded, as in deaf.

Alex: Danny Glover, is in fact, a Korean woman named Soo-Ling.

zach: why do we call him danny glover?

Mark: i feel like every movie with danny glover doens't need danny glover

Alex: Cuz mittenz don't work.

zach: i agree.

Alex: Yeah, it needs Morgan Freeman.

zach: his role should have been played by anyone else.

except morgan freeman...

who should die.

instead of being the wise old black mentor.

again...

Alex: I don't know if I agree...I think he's the genial, salt-of-the-earth equivalent of Morgan Freeman who I find so much more pallatable.

zach: really? danny glover didn't really add or detract for me... he was just kind of there.

he could have been played by my little sister, and i would have at least gotten something out of the movie.

Alex: Yeah, without trying to rationalize it (because seriously: how can I?), I like Danny Glover.

Mark: that's what i;m saying he's always there there was nothing he brought

zach: same with mia farrow... didn't have to be her. could have been any number of women over 55.

Alex: He's a gentle, chocolate-hued hand with a salt-and-pepper beard guiding you towards comfort.

...or so I've been told.

zach: oh it's already been broughten.

Mark: i thought they were going to kiss

Alex: I'm happy/dissapointed they didn't.

cliche/adorable...I can't decide.

zach: i thought that several times about different people... which was nice to be smoochy-blue-balled for once in a movie.

how is it cliche not to have kises, if anything it's the exact opposite.

Alex: If you like smoochy-blue-balls....HAVE I GOT A SHOP FOR YOU!

zach: every movie ever has people kissing.

Alex: ...it's called "Pier 1 Imports."

zach: do you know what cliche means?

Mark: no movie has a guy hanging himself while pleasuring himself

be kind rewind doesn't either

just wanted to say no movie does

zach: i agree.

Alex: Aha. Mark has discovered the Transitive Property of Film.

Mark: boy if anybody reads this review to the end they're dedicated

zach: yeah, i guess... ignore the facts.

Mark: lava beans!

carpet!

zach: "life as a house" has autoerotic asphyxiation... "waiting for godot" (albeit an adaptation of a play) makes explicit reference to it... it's everywhere.

those are just the first two that come to mind... i bet there are tons more films that have or reference it.

haden christianson (sp) loves to hang himself and wank.

Mark: yeah, i'm just not up to date on film

Alex: I JUST TOOK A SHIT.

Mark: or the history of such things

[cool]

zach: kewl... i was just disproving your stupid phony property of film.

Alex: That was a bonus for those with dedication.

It wasn't my property. I just identified. Mark discovered it. Mark's like Einstein, and I'm, like, the guy who told everybody that Einstein was smart.

Hitler, I think it was.

Mark: mark once went sledding with einsteinskiberg

zach: i liked how the movie seemed to set itself up to (i.e. the first 20 minutes) be the kind of movie it later tried to show that a good movie doesn't have to be. (special effects, slapstick, love story, raise enough money to keep what we love plot/character tropes)...

Sent at 5:06 PM on Thursday

Mark: good point

if i was a movie then i wouldn't mind being this one

Alex: Well, I hope you guys have some excellent analysis that follows. I must now take my leave so that my friend can feed his sister's dog. Sort of in the same way that I am a dog, and Michel Gondry fed me of my fill of excellent filmmaking.

Flourish. Exeunt. Curtain.

Mark: i think it would hurt to be a movie will all kinds special effects

but we live in the steroid era

see ya alez

i think we should call it now

zach: shit i gotta go do the same thing as alex. can we continue this later?

Mark: the three way review should be an ongoing work in progress

zach: nice...

Mark: anyone have any problems if i plan to paste this entire chat up as the review?

Sent at 5:11 PM on Thursday

zach: not at all alex says no too.

If that chat wasn't bad enough here is a picture review

The history of computation, it would seem, is confined to
the latter half of the twentieth century. Indeed: figures influential in the
development of the PC include Bill Gates, Stanley Kubrick and Al Gore, all of
which have only been active in the past few decades. However, recent evidence
points to early devices of logic and mathematics which may have been important
in the events surrounding the Civil War.

Many heroes entered the lore of
this country during the civil war. On both sides, men and women became myths in
the great American symposium that is history. Generals like Robert E. Lee and
Ulysses Grant were known for their integrity. Presidents like Abraham Lincoln
and Jefferson Davis made us believe that the tall and the racist can lead a
country. Women such as Eldera Ford and Mistress Domage gave weight to the
notion that women were more than child-bearing machines. But lost within the
tumult of history is an individual whose acclaim was widespread in his own
time.

On the morning of March 11, 1864,
General Lex Hordum was despairing. The Confederacy seemed to have
encircled he and the 17^th Mirrored Regiment he commanded, and reinforcements were slow in coming.
The Union, it seemed, was poised to suffer great losses on that
morning. Fortunately for history (though not for Abraham Lincoln’s
skull), the Battle of Giggle’s Creek was a continuation of the Union
dominance that would eventually culminate in the meeting of Lee and
Grant at Appomatax Courthouse. The man who may have been responsible
for this victory: Dishrag Moses.

The incredible wealth of historical
information discovered inside President Kennedy’s underground Boston bunker is
only now being organized and catalogued. Kept safe from the cadre of cyborgs
who posed as the Joint Chief of Staffs in the 1960’s (and who were responsible
for his actual assassination in 1977), it has been the inspiration for
numerous historical accounts only now being released to the public. One of the
more peculiar of these is

The Civil War was a time of great experimentation. It is interesting to note that while many technological advances were made on both sides of the War Between the States, most if not all of these wondrous devices were lost to the tides of time and the uncertain guarantees of safety their creators acknowledged.

One such machine whose existence was only recently verified is Anoush El-Hajj’s Zaman Safara. Commissioned by Field Marshall David Kemperly of Arizona’s 5th Temporal Corps, this Persian immigrant may well have invented a means of time travel. While the functionality of the device is still in question, much of the evidence points toward such a conclusion.

The
collective consciousness of the United States is today able to walk
with head held high perhaps only because of luck. Had it not been for
the pride of an immigrant in Baltimore in 1843, slavery might still be
peculiarly instituted to this day.
- Raston Van Dergaalden (1907 - 1981)

histories collected by Alex Butzbach

The story of what was at the time the 41st state is a little known one. It is as steeped in controversy as it is in shame for Americans, and therefore ill-oft retold in classrooms and lecture halls. Nonetheless, it represents an important point of divergence from one alternate universe to another. Were it not for the xenophobia and intolerance of some of the leaders of this country in the period following the Civil War, society as we know it today would be far different.

The leaders of the United States had been aware of the existence of Water Land (then called the Aquiferous Zone) since the Revolutionary War. Captain Helson Bruze led an ill-fated expedition of four ships (the Henceforth, the Waverly, the Austere Expression, and the Red October) whose mission it was to capture a British troop transport as it made the crossing from England to Massachusetts. Such a long-range strike was considered foolhardy (to say the least) in its day, but Admiral Gonster Slift was determined to cut off the troops who were slaughtering Americans at the Battle of Gustav’s Intolerance.

histories collected by Alex Butzbach
Often lost among accounts of more decisive battles in the Civil War is the account of Gainsborough Field. Though doing little to shift the balance between the Union and the Confederacy, it remains one of the more peculiar events in the annals of American history.

After suffering great losses at the Battle of Antiem in 1862, Southern leaders searched for any area which might give an advantage over the North. The Union most clearly had a technological edge, and proved it in the form of superior trains used for troop movement, more accurate rifles and reliable explosives. As a result, the suggestions of Helmut Grokenberger often went on deaf ears.

Grokenberger was born in Silesia, then part of the Prussian Empire, in 1837. The son of a blacksmith who inherited a dukeship from an estranged uncle, Grokenberger was educated at the Virginia Agricultural and Mechanical Institute. Rather than returning to his native Prussia upon graduation, Grokenberger became an engineer and technical advisor to the Virginia Militia. When the Civil War broke out, he immediately pledged his allegiance to the Confederacy in the hope that he might be elevated in position and status as a result of his technological expertise.

Throughout the course of the war, Grokenberger was constantly asking for funding from General Robert E. Lee in order to research new weaponry. He was allocated token amounts and was the subject of many articles in the Confederate Star-Picayune (in the hope that interest in his research would boost morale among troops with such technologically-backward weaponry). However, none of his prototypes were ever put into production, let alone implemented on the field of battle.

Name Tacrolimus

Type of Drug Immunosuppressive

Prescribed For: Organ transplantation
Eczema treatment
Trans-human cyborg sustenance