Fear and misery precede him.
He hath the fury of a thousand Sioux.
And none of the philosophical refinements.
Lo, mercy on he who should meet Senor Skullfire.
And witness the wrath of his flaming skull.

ed. Note: the following was discovered in the personal effects of Targus Cleftson, who died earlier this year at age 174 in an Alabama prison. He was the last remaining veteran of the Civil War.

On April 11, 1932, Colonel Ardavus Mistel lay dying. The respected former Union officer had experienced 96 years in constant torment. He harbored a dark secret known only to him that would consume his every thought.

Convinced that he would find no respite in death until his conscience was cleansed, the dying Col. Mistel called for his only son, Wallingford County Record editor Hundge Mistel. Barely able to speak, the Colonel croaked for a pen and paper and recorded the following:

Freud, Christ, Jerry Falwell, Phyllis Schafly, Liberace: these important scholars have all contributed to the sanitizing of American sexual dialogue in the past century. However, such was not always the case. There was a time in which blue language and descriptions of love affairs were freely debated and discussed in public correspondence. This was startlingly true during the Civil War. One example of the openness accorded sexual congress during this period of time was Mistress Domage.

Commissioned in 1861 and quickly rising to the rank of General, Gerthack McGillicudy was renowned for his sight on the battlefield and ability to maneuver units into effective segments. Though it may seem outlandish in these present times, much of the historical evidence from that era seems to point towards an exceptionally long neck as the source of his successes. To wit:

Schenectady Picayune-Register: March 5, 1862

While the majority of these Civil War Stories are confined to the historical going-ons of important American figures (great and small), it is natural for an historian to excavate for her or himself a place in his or her heart to ensconce that which said female/male historian has passion for. I may devote much of my time and this electronic space to things that actually happened, but I must admit a certain affinity for the cultural aspects of those who suffered through the Civil War. It is with pleasure that I commend to you and to the Gods of the Internet the following.

General Geiger awoke with a start. As soon as the sun flooded his eyes and burned them with the ferocity of a thousand laser beams, he clamped them shut. As he lay on his cot in the command tent, he attempted to figure out where he was and what series of events had led him there.

(Or: The Open Mic That Changed Everything)

Familiar are we all with the tale of Christmas Eve, 1915. Etched forever in our collective consciousness (thanks in large part to elementary school history books) is the parable which showcases humanity’s aversion to violence and war. On that holiday evening, as brutal war was waged between the Allied Forces and the Central Powers, somehow camaraderie was discovered.

The history of computation, it would seem, is confined to the latter half of the twentieth century. Indeed: figures influential in the development of the PC include Bill Gates, Stanley Kubrick and Al Gore, all of which have only been active in the past few decades. However, recent evidence points to early devices of logic and mathematics which may have been important in the events surrounding the Civil War.

Many heroes entered the lore of this country during the civil war. On both sides, men and women became myths in the great American symposium that is history. Generals like Robert E. Lee and Ulysses Grant were known for their integrity. Presidents like Abraham Lincoln and Jefferson Davis made us believe that the tall and the racist can lead a country. Women such as Eldera Ford and Mistress Domage gave weight to the notion that women were more than child-bearing machines. But lost within the tumult of history is an individual whose acclaim was widespread in his own time.

On the morning of March 11, 1864, General Lex Hordum was despairing. The Confederacy seemed to have encircled he and the 17^th Mirrored Regiment he commanded, and reinforcements were slow in coming. The Union, it seemed, was poised to suffer great losses on that morning. Fortunately for history (though not for Abraham Lincoln’s skull), the Battle of Giggle’s Creek was a continuation of the Union dominance that would eventually culminate in the meeting of Lee and Grant at Appomatax Courthouse. The man who may have been responsible for this victory: Dishrag Moses.

The incredible wealth of historical information discovered inside President Kennedy’s underground Boston bunker is only now being organized and catalogued. Kept safe from the cadre of cyborgs who posed as the Joint Chief of Staffs in the 1960’s (and who were responsible for his actual assassination in 1977), it has been the inspiration for numerous historical accounts only now being released to the public. One of the more peculiar of these is

The Civil War was a time of great experimentation. It is interesting to note that while many technological advances were made on both sides of the War Between the States, most if not all of these wondrous devices were lost to the tides of time and the uncertain guarantees of safety their creators acknowledged.

One such machine whose existence was only recently verified is Anoush El-Hajj’s Zaman Safara. Commissioned by Field Marshall David Kemperly of Arizona’s 5th Temporal Corps, this Persian immigrant may well have invented a means of time travel. While the functionality of the device is still in question, much of the evidence points toward such a conclusion.

The collective consciousness of the United States is today able to walk with head held high perhaps only because of luck. Had it not been for the pride of an immigrant in Baltimore in 1843, slavery might still be peculiarly instituted to this day.
- Raston Van Dergaalden (1907 - 1981)

histories collected by Alex Butzbach

The story of what was at the time the 41st state is a little known one. It is as steeped in controversy as it is in shame for Americans, and therefore ill-oft retold in classrooms and lecture halls. Nonetheless, it represents an important point of divergence from one alternate universe to another. Were it not for the xenophobia and intolerance of some of the leaders of this country in the period following the Civil War, society as we know it today would be far different.

The leaders of the United States had been aware of the existence of Water Land (then called the Aquiferous Zone) since the Revolutionary War. Captain Helson Bruze led an ill-fated expedition of four ships (the Henceforth, the Waverly, the Austere Expression, and the Red October) whose mission it was to capture a British troop transport as it made the crossing from England to Massachusetts. Such a long-range strike was considered foolhardy (to say the least) in its day, but Admiral Gonster Slift was determined to cut off the troops who were slaughtering Americans at the Battle of Gustav’s Intolerance.

histories collected by Alex Butzbach Often lost among accounts of more decisive battles in the Civil War is the account of Gainsborough Field. Though doing little to shift the balance between the Union and the Confederacy, it remains one of the more peculiar events in the annals of American history. After suffering great losses at the Battle of Antiem in 1862, Southern leaders searched for any area which might give an advantage over the North. The Union most clearly had a technological edge, and proved it in the form of superior trains used for troop movement, more accurate rifles and reliable explosives. As a result, the suggestions of Helmut Grokenberger often went on deaf ears. Grokenberger was born in Silesia, then part of the Prussian Empire, in 1837. The son of a blacksmith who inherited a dukeship from an estranged uncle, Grokenberger was educated at the Virginia Agricultural and Mechanical Institute. Rather than returning to his native Prussia upon graduation, Grokenberger became an engineer and technical advisor to the Virginia Militia. When the Civil War broke out, he immediately pledged his allegiance to the Confederacy in the hope that he might be elevated in position and status as a result of his technological expertise. Throughout the course of the war, Grokenberger was constantly asking for funding from General Robert E. Lee in order to research new weaponry. He was allocated token amounts and was the subject of many articles in the Confederate Star-Picayune (in the hope that interest in his research would boost morale among troops with such technologically-backward weaponry). However, none of his prototypes were ever put into production, let alone implemented on the field of battle.