Chapter 3

The whole world is a tennis ball or at least 300 percent of the world is a tennis ball. I could be wrong about this. I have not been my usual self lately. Yesterday, I ate six tennis balls. Someone suggested I go on a diet. They said some people have found success with eating grapefruits. I thought, “What is a grapefruit, but not an oversized tennis ball.” They also said that sometimes a diet is all you need to feel good about yourself again and to enjoy life. I did not realize I wasn’t enjoying life. I really thought I was. One day I hope to wake up and think, “I do not need anything but myself to enjoy life.”

I told my friend that I was thinking about going on a tennis ball diet. I did not tell him about eating six tennis balls. I do not even know if I really ate six tennis balls. I might have only thought about it for a long time until I was convinced I ate them. I looked at all the dirty knives in the sink and none of them had yellow fuzz stuck in the serrated blade. I have been watching my stools the last day or so to make sure nothing yellow and rubbery shows up. If it does I imagine I will have to go to the hospital. Anyway, my friend said diets were kind of weird. I told him he was probably right. We were both silent after that. Finally he spoke up, “If I were to go on a diet,” he said, “I would only eat thanksgiving sandwiches because they are my favorite sandwich. I like thanksgiving a lot.”

I have never heard of a thanksgiving sandwich, but I imagine it has turkey, mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce, and stuffing in it. I wonder if there are such things as Halloween sandwiches or Easter sandwiches full of peeps and Cadbury eggs.