The incredible wealth of historical information discovered inside President Kennedy’s underground Boston bunker is only now being organized and catalogued. Kept safe from the cadre of cyborgs who posed as the Joint Chief of Staffs in the 1960’s (and who were responsible for his actual assassination in 1977), it has been the inspiration for numerous historical accounts only now being released to the public. One of the more peculiar of these is

Abraham Lincoln’s Liberation of the Falkland Islands

In August of 1865, the Civil War had all but ended. A few skirmishes in Montana (where military communication was difficult) aside, fighting had ceased. President Lincoln, weary from the effort of maintaining American unity looked with hope towards reconstruction and peace. However, his calm state of mind was to be short lived.

Passages from Lincoln’s secret diary (as well as U.S. Army records hidden in the Kennedy bunker by Bobby before his actual assassination in 1991) have been researched and used in the synthesis of this account. According to these esoteric sources, the President was approached by three men, “dressed in sparkling military uniforms and wearing the darkest of eye-glasses,” as he was taking his morning constitutional around the Washington Mall. August 17, 1865 being before the days of significant Secret Service protection, the President was accustomed to speaking with the citizenry of the U.S. on such walks.

The men, overpowering the gangly President, rendered him unconscious without even exchanging pleasant greetings. Lincoln awoke in a small metal room, well-furnished but surrounded by pipes and wires. The confused Head of State immediately left his room and stepped into what he was soon told was the command center of the USS Antebellum. The President, marveling at the advanced technology of the room, was soon noticed by the nuclear submarine’s captain, Guntz Leppard. Captain Leppard escorted a dazed Lincoln into a briefing room.

After being informed of his location (the South Atlantic) and the year (1983), Lincoln was told of a situation that delicately required his assistance. The following is a transcript from videotape filmed at the time and preserved in the Kennedy bunker.

Leppard: Mr. President, I realize that this comes as a bit of a shock to you.
Lincoln: Marvelous, Captain! Simply marvelous!
Leppard: Yes…Well, there are some difficult things I must say to you now, Mr. President. Lincoln: Marvelous! A Negro commander! To think of it!
Leppard: Yes, sir…Mr. President, you are going to be assassinated.
Lincoln: What?
Leppard: I realize this is difficult to hear, but –
Lincoln: And you’ve come to save me?
Leppard: Not…exactly. You see, that might have some unforeseeable effects on the current timeline. I’m not quite sure what that means, but some very intelligent scientists have assured me of it.
Lincoln: I’m to be killed? Just as peace was beginning…
Leppard: Yes, Mr. President. But I’m here at the behest of President Reagan –
Lincoln: President Reagan, you say? Good man, is he?
Leppard: Oh, quite. Anyway, he has authorized me to offer you one last chance to help your country.
Lincoln: I’m sorry. This is a lot to take in…Certainly. Whatever you need.
Leppard: Well, sir, it’s like this: You are a Republican, are you not?
Lincoln: Why, yes! As the sixteenth president, I was the first Republican-
Leppard: Yes, I know. That would make your natural enemy…Democrats.
Lincoln: Well, in a manner of speaking, certainly.
Leppard: Well, in 1939 a world war will begin that will eventually pit a Democratic president against a political party in Germany-
Lincoln: Prussia?
Leppard: Yeah. Whatever. So, this Roosevelt’s enemy is the Nazi Party, so…
Lincoln: Ah. Say no more.
Leppard: Yes. So you see…the enemy of your enemy is…
Lincoln: My friend?
Leppard: Yes sir!

The situation was soon explained to The Great Emancipator: Argentina, secret puppet state of the deposed Nazi Party (and quietly ruled by The Butcher of Auschwitz, Dr. Joseph Mengele), was about to engage in a bitter confrontation with the United Kingdom over a small chain of islands in the South Atlantic. Thought nominally allied with Margaret Thatcher’s government, the United States under President Reagan sought to free the Falkland Islands from the tyrannical grip of Mrs. Thatcher. If that meant helping the Nazis: so be it.

President Lincoln asked what he was to do to help. Captain Leppard explained that he was to undergo training and lead an elite strike force that would cripple the English forces in a dramatic beach landing. When the President questioned Captain Leppard about this, noting that he had no military experience (and was, in fact, a bit of a wimp), the Captain simply laughed and told him that there was a very capable man who could make him a force to be reckoned with. At this, an elderly Theodore Roosevelt entered the room.

First snatched by the U.S. government from the murky waters of 1919 in 1962 to train Cuban expatriates for the Bay of Pigs invasion (which, in actuality, was a success), Roosevelt’s experience with the Rough Riders during the Spanish American War had been invaluable. Now well over 70 years old (and still the robust physical specimen of his youth thanks to bionic implantation), Roosevelt had been responsible for numerous successful American operations overseas in the 1960’s and 70’s.

Roosevelt: President Lincoln! As I live and breathe! Well? Are you ready to be made into a deadly tool, Bucko?
Lincoln: Roosevelt, eh? Any relation to this other man the Captain has spoken of?
Roosevelt: Why, yes, though I take no great pleasure in it. A distant cousin. Good man. Strong principles. A cripple, though.
Lincoln: How awful.
Roosevelt: Oh, yes. Quite useless as a human being. Why, a small child could incapacitate him!
Leppard: Thank you, Mr. President. Well, President Lincoln: what do you say?
Lincoln: Gentlemen, as much as I’d like to help you, I just don’t think I have the vigor for it. You must realize that I’m drained! The Civil War! Surely you have learned of it from your elementary school history classes! Just as surely as the most salient fact children today know about me is my upbringing in a log cabin!
Leppard: Mr. President, I thought you might say that. President Roosevelt: bring in President Reagan.

At this point, Theodore Roosevelt opened the door to admit Eddie Murphy. The subterfuge the U.S. government had orchestrated was a success: President Lincoln, so inspired by the sight of an African-American president, saw all his efforts during the Civil War as a success and was determined to do one last bit of good for his country. Mr. Murphy, it is important to note, was paid handsomely for his work (and silence on the matter) with a role on the hit NBC show Saturday Night Live.

Records of President Lincoln’s training and subsequent mission are limited. There is a work order in the Kennedy Bunker authorizing the attachment of a cybernetic arm to a patient, 6’4” tall and simply referred to as “A.L.” Beyond that, the fate of the 16^th President is unknown. His mission a success (and a caveman named Grog the actual victim of John Wilkes Booth’s bullet in Ford’s Theater), Argentina was free to continue to create a race of Aryan supermen on the Falkland Islands.

histories collected by Alex Butzbach