Joel Van Noord has written nineteen stories for thieves jargon. His stories are like conversations. I suggest you check out his latest story. It is called:

The Border Story

Mr. Joel Van Noord.

Mr. M. Baumer.

I would like to interview you.

I see.

I believe you know this.

I heard.

I am not great at interviews.

I suppose practice makes perfect.

When is the last time you pooped?

About 3 hours ago.

How'd that go?

Good.

When's the last time a shark bit you?

Never.

How old were you when you got your first nintendo?

13ish.

I have heavy feet, I make loud noises when I walk, do you have any suggestions of how I can correct this?

Try to strut a little more.

You story talks about border problems in Russia. Do you have any other border stories, maybe involving the Mexican border?

No other border stories as exotic as this one. Most of the Mexico border stories involve waiting in long lines, drinking Ensenada bought Absinthe and using terrible Spanish to coax our way into the use of a bathroom from locals selling tamales at the side of the road.

Mr. DiGangi, fiction editor of thieves jargon, said you were into Marine Biology? Do you ever have to deal with beached whales or is that a border patrol issue?

I've never seen a beached whale around these parts. In Northern California I've seen seals and sea lions with gapping bullet holes from Indian fisherman gill-netting salmon. In Baja you see weird rays and skates wash up. The only things around here are basketball-sized jellies. Not sure whose jurisdiction it would be to handle a beached whale and I'm sure it depends on if it's dead or not. I think we've all seen the footage of the Oregon officials dynamiting the whale carcass.

What's the worse book you've read recently?

I tend not to finish bad books, last book I didn't finish, I can't remember the title.

What would you do if the internet didn't exist?

Text message more.

When's the last time you cried?

Can't remember. Years and years.

Do you google your name a lot?

Used to. Sort of annoys me now.

I overheard someone ranting the other day about google. They said, "You can't just google everything."
As a fellow gmail user what's your stance on google taking over the world?

You can google anything. Wikipedia doesn't always spit something back, but google almost always will. It just works a lot better for some things than it does others. I wasn't aware of google taking over the world. It seems that's alluding to something I'm not aware of. I like gmail. I find their format much nicer than yahoo, just as facebook's is much cleaner than myspace. Plus, I own stock in google.

How are things with that painter studying biology?

Not sure to whom "that" is referring to in this case of a painter biologist. Without knowing who this person was I wouldn't want to assume.

What would you do if you saw a three-legged wolf on the beach eating all the freshly hatched baby turtles?

If I saw a three-legged wolf hogging down hatchlings I'd be like, "dang." If I had a camera I'd take a picture. If not, I'd continue to watch until things had run their course.

When did you get in on the google stock parade? Regardless, I envy you.

Is this for the interview (got on board when it was under 400.)
[ed. Note: yes, this is for the interview. I bet everyone is curious. Google closed today at 593.08]

The painter biologist was either from some story or interview. Sorry to dig up obscure bits from your internet persona. I imagine it's a bit annoying. [the reference is from a poem called “Hidden Balls”]

Send me a link to this painter biologist thing, could be interesting. It's weird not to remember.

Any last thoughts or words?

No last thoughts or words.