Steve Young is not a football player. He is a writer, a construction worker. Read his latest at thieves jargon.

First things first, I know people are always asking you about this, but what's it like living with the name Steve Young?  Did you used to get upset when people said you couldn't win the big one (pre-1995)?  Does it kind of irk you when people say Joe Montana was better?  What about your days in Tampa Bay?  Do you even like football?

No, I stopped getting upset after the third concussion. And Joe was better, but I'm a Mormon and he's not, so he'll be throwing hot routes in hell...

Anyway; yes love football. Go Cards.

Okay, now that we got that out of the way let's take a look at your writing or writing in general.  Do you have any weird quirks when you write (writing in the nude, in a special pair of underwear, wearing a special hat, or tie)?  Twain, Hemingway, and Faulkner: you can fuck one, marry one, kill one, who gets what and why?

I can't write when other people are in the room. I'm not sure why. I don't like to talk on the phone with other people in the room either. I just don't like other people in the room. Writing while on the toilet is always the best option, but I tend to run out of beer in there.

Twain, Hemingway and Faulkner? I would fuck all three and then let god sort it out. I don't want to marry or kill anything.

Excellent questions so far, Mark. What else you got?

Do you still have a problem writing if the person in the room is sleeping?  Maybe you could break into someone's room while they're asleep and try it out.
When was the last time you showed up late to work?
Who do you work for?
Will your coworkers read this interview?
Hello Coworkers.  Steve doesn't like you.

Oh yes. That's even worse. Then I think they might be pretending and actually listening. That would be awesome though, to break in to someone's room and be sitting there writing when they woke up. You could very calmly look at them and say "Good morning, I wrote a whole story while you were sleeping. Would you like a beer?"

I'm late for work right now, Mark.

I work for a construction company, and no, no one I work with will read this interview. In fact I am so confident about that I will tell some of them how I really feel about them:

Adam, you are an asshole. Every day. I have a hard enough time making to the job, I don't need your shit on top of it.

Matt, You make me want to throw-up in my own mouth. You are a liar, your feet stink and you don't love Jesus.

Kurtis, stop trying to drink as much as me if you're gonna' be too hungover to work the next day. You sir, are a pussy.

T.K., you have a fantastic ass.

That felt really good...

Steve, you've got me interested in the path you took to get here to this interview.  I mean what brought you to thieves jargon and writing and reading other writers online?

I've been writing for a long time. I have a very bad habit of ripping up or deleting 97% of the stuff I write. Really, what is the point? I write the stuff the same way I masturbate; every once in a while it's a big deal, you know, house to yourself and a hi-speed internet connection. But, most of the time, I'm just getting it out so I can concentrate on the job, getting to sleep, tying the boots, shaving the face. All that shit.

I sent a story to The Evergreen Review, I had it sitting around and I was really digging it. I figured the worst that could happen was that I ended up with a rejection from Barney Rosset's mag. Four weeks later I received a hand-signed acceptance from Mr. Barney Rosset himself. The Evergreen Review is online only these days, so I started checking other online mags. After a while I came across Thieves Jargon, I was checking out the stories ("...tell us a good story, one we can share with our bartender..." as they say) and I was really into a lot of them. Also, they have a message board where you can talk about the piece. Why you liked/hated it etc. That's no big thing, a lot of mags have that, but the people who check out the TJ stories will talk shit to you. Who doesn't enjoy a little back and forth about a strory or poem you just read? I sent them a ton of stuff and they finally accepted one. And now I'm doing an interview with Mark Baumer, why? I don't know. Probably because a lot of the stuff online sucks as much as the stuff in the print mags. And, I am a welcome breath of fresh air... Oops, am I putting words in your mouth?

Steve you seem a big fan of shit talking.  The internet is a great place for that.  Can you give a good shit talking rant?

I am not your monkey, Mark. The prospect of a dirty banana is not enough to make me dance.

What makes you dance?  Be my gorilla?  I honestly have one banana left.  It's yours.  Dance.

Biscuit jeans. You probably haven't heard of them, since I just made it up, but I'm sure you've seen them. These jeans that girls are wearing these days are made of some kind of stretchy material. I cannot tell if a girl has a nice ass or not, until it is too late. You start to take off their pants, and PLOOF, all kinds of hidden flesh pops out. Just like when you peal open those refrigerated cans of biscuits. I don't need that kind of anxiety.

Where were we? Ahh bananas... I once smoked dried banana peels. That was when I was twelve, and I haven't stopped coughing yet.

well, time is running out.
any last words?

Eat at Lazy Lou's.