Acamprosate (ah-CAM-pro-sate) “I know it’s cliché, but I wish I had a shirt that said, ‘I have a drinking problem and all my doctor gave me was this lousy bottle of Acamprosate,’ or maybe I could get a cookie. I like cookies. It’d be nice if the doctor, while explaining all side effects, gave me a cookie to distract me from what he’s saying. ‘Here’s a cookie, now I just want to let you know the drug I’m prescribing can give you: diarrhea, depression, suicidal thoughts, sleep problems, and an inability to operate dangerous machinery.’ If I had a cookie I’d be less worried about the possibility of my dirty assed body dangling from a noose with a bottle of pills at my feet. “‘This will help you,’ he said. ‘How so?’ I asked and he went off on this long spiel about how ‘unlike other drugs used to help people with alcohol problems this pill treats the patient’s chemical imbalance rather than the person themselves.’ Anyway, I don’t believe any of that. I mostly take these pills because I enjoy the chalky bitterness I get in my mouth when I chew them. “The doctor was pretty lenient on his directions for ingestion too. ‘When do I take these?’ I asked. ‘Whenever you have a craving for a drink,’ he said. ‘Well doc, I don’t think one bottle is enough,’ I said. I was kind of being serious, but I laughed a little to keep the conversation lighthearted. My doctor wasn’t amused. He had seen my type before. “The problem is that now I don’t just take Acamprosate when I have a craving for alcohol. I take it when I have diarrhea even though I know it’s the cause of my loose bowels. For some reason, I’ve grown accustomed to the soothing feeling I get from chewing these pills. I also take it when I begin feeling depressed and when I can’t sleep at night. Sometimes I pop a pill when I wake up and find my kids have spilled their breakfasts on the carpet. Occasionally, I give them a pill, but I don’t think they like them as much as me. And god knows I take a few pills anytime my pregnant wife finds it important to talk to me. She’s a little more accepting of the pills I offer her.” information compiled by Mark Baumer