David Sobotka
March 17, 1995
U.S. History II
Mrs. Renton
Period 2

General Elliot Friend was the wicked best fighter ever. Many men (and some of the women) told tales of his battlefield bravery and such things. It was greatly and widely known that if you were ever to see him and you were a Confederate soldier, you were to be dead soon. Or you might have your leg blown off by mortars which is wicked painful and wish that you were dead, and you were glad that you hadn’t seen General Friend. He was that tough. Also, I am related to him because he was my great great great uncle. Also, my grandma told me that I’m 1/8 Native American. But my dad says it hasn’t helped us get any of that sweet sweet Casino cash.

From the moment he was born (which happened in Gloucester, Rhode Island on April 11 in year 1830) everybody knew that General Elliot (or Mister Ripper as his good friends and soon-to-be-mutilated victims would call him) was gonna mess dudes up. He was gonna (and later did! Mrs. Renton: this is what Mr. Antonelli calls dramatic irony) nail so many slave owners like the 8th graders always do to us in 7th period P.E. with dodgeballs. Some people think that he was part bear, or maybe that the same magic from the Yu-Gi-Oh cards got into his DNA. Either way, it doesn’t really matter. This guy loved to kill Southerners.

Except he didn’t start out just killing Southerners. Actually, the Encyclopedia Britannica from 1924 that my grandma has and it smells like old people says that he was a “convicted felon with a record as long as the robe on Christ’s eternal shimmering throne.” Whatever that means. My mom says that I should go to temple more and not listen to Dad’s family’s Gentille blasphemy. Too bad. I already had my Bar Mitzvah. I don’t have to go to temple ever again.

So this Ripper Friend was all in prison. He probably shivved like 80 guys nightly and paid for so many bitches with cigarettes. I’m not really sure what that means, but my brother watches “Oz” and I used him as one of my scholarly sources. That’s two already, Mrs. Renton! Remember? Old musty Encyclopedia Britannica? Check! My brother / “Oz?” Double check!

When Abraham Lincoln (who was born in a log cabin and read tons of books) was wicked desperate for help since the South had like so many robots and cyborgs on their side and not to mention all the vampires and warlocks, he asked his Secretary of State Bonestar Lasergun “What should I do?” And Bonestar who himself was a wicked huge veteran of another war like Vietnam said that he knew a guy who could kill super quick.

Only problem is: Ripper kills everybody! But they fixed that by making him smell Confederate President Jefferson Davis’s underwear, which is a wicked gross thing in general and was wicked gross then because nobody took showers or anything. Elliot “Ripper” Friend was made into a general all of a sudden and when shit-house on tons of Southern dudes. The tide as they say was turned and we won wicked good. Now the country is great.

In conclusion, if it wasn’t for cereal killers or Abraham Lincoln or cyborgs black people would still be slaves. And that would stink, because my best friend Rob who lives on my street and likes baseball too and who’s number one player is Mo Vaughn also would be a slave. Also Mo Vaughn would be a slave. And I would come home from school and be all like “Rats! Rob is a slave! I can’t play with him and build forts!” Then I would probably try and free him on the Underground Railroad like in a book by Avi.

The End

Bibliography

Encylopedia Brittanica. 1924. Published by Britain.
Sobotka, Mitch. Born 1979. Is a Junior at Gloucester High School.