On the morning of March 11, 1864, General Lex Hordum was despairing. The Confederacy seemed to have encircled he and the 17^th Mirrored Regiment he commanded, and reinforcements were slow in coming. The Union, it seemed, was poised to suffer great losses on that morning. Fortunately for history (though not for Abraham Lincoln’s skull), the Battle of Giggle’s Creek was a continuation of the Union dominance that would eventually culminate in the meeting of Lee and Grant at Appomatax Courthouse. The man who may have been responsible for this victory: Dishrag Moses.

Born Trammeler Futz in Pittsburgh on September 12, 1818, Dishrag Moses was the illegitimate son of a wealthy tricycle manufacturer. Cast out of his father’s house because his mother was a common whore, Futz found friendship and camaraderie on the streets among the hobos and bums of the Steel City. As is the tradition in the hobo community, Dishrag’s first name was taken from what he happened to be wearing as a hat at the naming ceremony (such a pattern also followed by Bowler Dust, Neckerchief Malone and Cat Braffles). His last name came from the Bible (the Hobo Bible, in this case referring to the Hobo prophet Mustard Moses).

Little is known about Dishrag’s life before the Civil War. What information has come down to us was transcribed from the recollections of Porkchop Griffin, who related his life and community traditions to the New Deal-sponsored Federal Writer’s Project in 1937. According to Porkchop (aged 174), Dishrag quickly moved through the Hobo hierarchy due to his sticky fingers and moist eyelids. However, many believe it was simply his unnaturally regal bearing which won over the hobos. In any event, Dishrag was elected (or bit his way) to the title of Emperor of the Hobos. Wearing a sash (most likely scavenged from the garbage of a theater) bearing the words “Top Prize Finisher!” at all times and exempt from begging, Dishrag was carried around his every waking hour by four Hobo footmen. It is said that his legs withered and atrophied from lack of use, but according to Porkchop Griffin, “Dishrag! Dishrag, he never lost him the use of his regal member! Nope! Nope nope nope! Not many lady hobos! Makes sense! Yes it does! It makes sense! But the whores…they sure loved him!”

In 1964, unaware that the Civil War had erupted, Dishrag announced (via a harangue delivered to a bewildered crowd on a Washington street corner, that he would be touring his vast empire. He set out south (which, according to Porkchop “felt natural…like two-pence beans!”) on the backs of his attendants and was followed by over 200 pilgrims. Using hobo guile and wit to survive, Dishrag and his coterie arrived at Giggle’s Meadow in North Carolina on the morning of March 11, 1964. The following is an official report from General Lex Hordum.

General Grant:

Morning was damp and cool. No sound from Rebs. Low on food, men instructed to catch rabbit and preserve rations for next day. Battle a success. Strange occurrence to report.

Emperor of Etherea visited camp. Was this planned? Arrived with many men. Claimed to be from the Ethereal Land and was Emperor. Is this near Austria? Soldiers crowded around him. Emperor told them to “fear people that used rope” and “never wash their feet.” Soldiers very inspired. I also teared up myself. Emperor left shortly before battle. Must contact!

Recommend: Emperor of Etherea speak nationally to inspire troops.

Where Dishrag traveled next is a mystery. Some claim that he encountered and was captured by Confederate troops. Others speculate that he kept marching straight through to South America, believing it to be his domain. What is painfully clear is that without his help, we’d all be speaking German right now.