The collective consciousness of the United States is today able to walk with head held high perhaps only because of luck. Had it not been for the pride of an immigrant in Baltimore in 1843, slavery might still be peculiarly instituted to this day.
- Raston Van Dergaalden (1907 - 1981)

Such a proposition was much-maligned when put forth by the young Dutch historian in his 1953 seminal work, Literal Abstract: Eventualism Defined. Van Dergaalden had developed the theory of Eventualism, which saw major historical periods as “linchpinned” by smaller, more arbitrary events. His book, which was mocked without end in its own day (particularly memorably on an episode of The Honeymooners*), has recently been the subject of much scholarship and study. In particular, the idea that the Union's victory in the Civil War rested entirely upon the actions of Nareth Lelcesceau in 1843 has come under scrutiny.

Nareth Lelcesceau was born in Bucharest, Romania in 1823. The son of a shoemaker, he was sold into indentured servitude at the age of 10 to repay a gambling debt that his older brother could not. As the property of the elder Lelcesceau's creditor, Maximillian Broup, the young boy was sent to work in the steam mines of Silesia. It was there that he received what little education he could ever eventually claim. It is believed that Lelcesceau, between shifts trapping steam in hydraulic cubes to be shipped overseas to Singapore, was in regular contact with another, more educated worker in Silesia. Born Rogen Speltzen, this young man would grow up to write such works as Das Kapital, The Communist Manifesto, and The Far Side Off-The-Wall Calendar 1988 under the name Karl Marx.

Lelcesceau was described by fellow workers as "enthralled" by Marx, a notion which would later ellicit a sincere scoff from the Romanian immigrant as he leisurely awaited death in Baltimore decades later. What is known for certain is that Lelcesceau was exposed to the work of Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel, German philosopher and super-villan, by Marx and his nascent theories based on Hegel's dialectical model of history. It is believed that it was Marx (nee Speltzen) who encouraged Lelcesceau to flee to America on board a cargo ship transporting wild boars and expert Geisha to Maryland's capitol, the Charm City.

Upon arriving on the shores of B-More, Lelcesceau was moved by the freedom and grime of his new home to declare his legal name "Hegel." Though this was only made official by the strip of wool in Nareth's pocket with the word "Hegel" scrawled on it in his own blood, Lelcesceau forced all of his subsequently-born children to take the surname as their own. Thus were little Andrea (b.1839), Mortimer (b.1840), Dusteek (b.1843), Arrabezka (b.1844) and Forty-Five (b.1845) saddled with the same last name as Gorgeous George himself, Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel. It is unclear why Lelcesceau had such a passion for the writing of Hegel and for his greatest contribution to philosophy, the Dialectic, when one considers the bulk of Lelcesceau's writing on the matter.**

Young Dusteek Hegel was raised in a rigid and unloving family (as were we all) and quickly registered for the Confederate Army in 1861 at the age of 18. He had been living in Virginia for two years and was the paramour of General Robert E. Lee's third daughter, Gerzeg. In fact, in the infamous Robert E. Lee letters (which the general wrote to his wife during the course of the war) Dusteek is referred to as "little Gerzie's Roman centurion." When the War Between the States began, the young Hegel quickly proposed to and married Gerzeg. He was immediately given the rank of Field Marshall by his father-in-law and commenced attacks upon Indianapolis.

Given the murky picture painted by unreliable Confederate personell records, it is unclear when Dusteek Hegel was demoted to General, though it is historical fact that his transgression was pagan worship. Regardless, Hegel's place in history (as noted by Raston Van Dergaalden) was solidified on August 7, 1864 when Field Marshall Lempting Saffron IV gave orders to General Hegel to march upon Fort Obsequious in Vespirion, New Jersey. It was here that the Union had constructed a secret weapons cache of prototype lasers and hoverboards. Cutting off the Union supply of improbably futuristic weaponry would cripple their forces and tip the balance of power in North America towards the unwashed Confederate heathens.

Poised on Dugulary Ridge overlooking Vepirion, Hegel readied his men for attack. He convened the officers in charge of regiments under his command to prepare a strategy for attack. However, one man, Captain Dunbar Hidalgo, would not submit to the authority of the general and obliterated any hope for the Confederacy's sneak attack on Fort Obsequious. What follows is taken from the personal correspondence of Major Kenji Cooper-Jones.

Dearest Isabella:

I cannot wait for we two to be joined as one. I have survived an ordeal of the most horrible order. The bodies - rent apart by infernal Federal laser beamage - burn into my mind as did Original Sin on the consciences of Adam and Eve! Oh! What turmoil! Victory for the noble owners of slaves was not assured today, my precious Isabella, and it is the fault of Captain Dunbar Hidalgo!

I had enough conflict to deal with among the enlisted men without worrying about the officers under the command of noble General Hegel, pagan though he may be. When the good (though hellbound) General called us men to his command tent (littered with the remmnants of some blasphemous animal sacrifice), I expected a rousing speech of patriotism, followed by a discussion of tactical maneuvers. Instead, halfway through a prayer to the wind god Ventimus, Captain Hidalgo shot his pistol into the air. "Enough!" he screamed. "I can abide by your pagan ways, especially since your bone-reading has steered us to good fortune thus far! But I cannot serve under a man who shares a name with the greatest wretch to ever disgrace the annals of German idealism and indeed, all of philosophy itself!" Those words will never be cleansed from my mind, Isabella, for they sealed the doom of many men that day. As the General began to protest this outburst with words of kindness and of rage (as is the wont of a follower of the Dialectial), Captain Hidalgo gave a final ultimatum. "If you do not denounce your accursed namesake and his Dialectical," he spat, "I shall rend your body apart with all of the manpower in my command!" At this, he threw open the tent curtain to reveal his regiment surrounding the tent, rifles all pointed at the heart of the General.

No one moved or spoke for what seemed an eternity. Suddenly, Admiral Osiris McShane sneezed. I do not blame the Admiral for this mistake, though I do question why, given his rank, he was commanding cavalry on land rather than ships at sea. However, what occurred could not be prevented, and the startled men all began to fire. I confess I do not know how long this battle lasted, but soon the Union stronghold was alerted to our presence and began to rain down laser beams upon us! If I had not...

(illegible)

...his severed fingers in one hand! I wanted...

(illegible)

...carrying one's own foot! What fate has...

(illegible)

...as a prisoner of war, my dear.

Your Loving Husband,
Major Kenji Cooper-Jones

Though lost to the fire which consumed many Confederate records at Altoona Beach in 1924 during bombing in the War Against the Swedish Empire, this letter presents history with a clear picture of General Hegel's demise. With him perished all hope of Confederate victory. As any elementary school history textbook will confirm, the Union Army stormed the South with cavarly mounted upon hoverboards and armed with laser rifles. While there may be other "linchpins" of history upon which history as we know it hinged, certainly, one must afford due gravitas to the misfortune of General Hegel. Thus, Mr. Van Dergaalden is vindicated and Eventualism imbued with credibility.

* On March 13, 1957, the following dialogue was part of episode S3E07, "Ralph Repudiates Van Dergaalen."
Alice: Ralph, I don't understand you! You always seem to embrace new ideas!"
Ralph: Yeah, like the idea of a bigger meal at lunch time!
[laughter]
Alice: But just because this revises the way history is studied, that's no way to get all uppity!
Ralph: I'll get uppity! I'll get uppity with the idea that one event controls entire eras!
Alice: Why is that?
Ralph: Because we both know that that's no way to beat the Communists!
[laughter; applause]

** The following is an excerpt from an unpublished editorial letter Nareth Lelcesceau sent to the Baltimore Star-Press in 1854.
What is this with being of the Dialectical? Is being of good, for the Dialects are being of different: is the Russian, is the German, is the American even! Must why do against for the languages! All be one, or for me is good not. Do you not know! Bettter you get for your mind now, because is being with this way of the Dialectical (by most great and beauteous Hegel) that we have not of the wars and the fights and the fighting-bad! Yes, you realize!

Histories collected by Alex Butzbach