Many heroes entered the lore of this country during the civil war. On both sides, men and women became myths in the great American symposium that is history. Generals like Robert E. Lee and Ulysses Grant were known for their integrity. Presidents like Abraham Lincoln and Jefferson Davis made us believe that the tall and the racist can lead a country. Women such as Eldera Ford and Mistress Domage gave weight to the notion that women were more than child-bearing machines. But lost within the tumult of history is an individual whose acclaim was widespread in his own time.

General Breft Singer was born in Swansea, Wales on September 7, 1833. The son of a poor opium dealer, Singer immigrated with his family to the U.S. at the age of 4. Quickly adjusting to life in urban Vermont (and losing his ridiculous accent in the process), Breft excelled at philosophy and beating (senseless) the rabble-rousers who plagued 19th-century Communist Vermont. Upon the advice of his elementary school guidance counselor, young Master Singer enrolled in West Point at the age of 13 and graduated with honors two years later.

His life (as dictated by history) was uneventful until the Civil War, but it was between the years of 1848 and 1861 that he developed the “Clean Masculine Smell” that was to be his most identifying characteristic. Some theorists believe it came from a preternaturally modern sense of hygiene, but most accept the fact that is was Azelius, the Iroquois shaman and Montpelier typesetter, who taught him the secret of Native American olfactory manipulation.

Regardless of its origins, it is indisputable that his clean, masculine scent propelled Singer to the highest levels of the Union Army. From a memorandum written by President Lincoln:

General Gertz, Re: your personnel recommendations:

I rather like this Singer man. Unlike your choice, Admiral Reynolds, Colonel Singer gives the impression of a man cleansed of the taint of original sin. I cannot pinpoint it exactly (and his record as an officer certainly belies this), but there is a great sense of composure and sexuality about him that ought to give those damn Rebels a thing or two to think about.

With Love,

A. Lincoln

Thus was young Breft, tan and nubile, elevated to the position of General. His first incursions into the South were unremarkable. At the Battle of Two Spoons, he was soundly defeated by Confederate Field Marshall Abernathy Dungston. However, in a letter to his wife Festia, Dungston had this to say about Singer:

Honey baby. I miss the shit out of you! I can’t wait to see you and get all up on your sweet fucking body. You know I’m serious!

On a side note (and we’ve been over this: I’m TOTALLY not gay!), the Union general I was fighting against was really….appealing. I don’t really know how else to say it. I only saw him through my spyglass from, like, 100 yards away, but I swear to fucking God that I could smell leather and soap coming off him! It’s really weird!

Also, our son is dead. Sorry. I had to send his unit in over the ridge first. My bad.

Sincerely,

Abernathy Dungston

In fact, the respect Confederate leaders had for General Singer gave him more than a number of effortless victories on the battlefield. The following is from an editorial written anonymously to the Birmingham Post-Telegraph on March 11, 1863:

SURRENDER IS NOT COWARDICE

RESPECT FOR A WORTHY ADVERSARY

DELTA FALLS – Friends, there are a number of you who would criticize General Upperson’s surrender to the Union General Breft Singer. Certainly, at face value it appears to be such a display of cowardice and weakness that most neutral parties would demand the summary execution of Confederate leadership. Thankfully, we demand slaves, so that will not occur.

But I implore you! Meet the man! Not only is he a commander of the first order (though rare, I acknowledge, for a Northern cur), there is about him an atmosphere of manliness and cleanliness. Imperceptible to most human faculties, this vigor and grace can only be discerned (and believe me: I’ve done it on multiple occasions) via one’s sense of smell.

Never in my life have I ever felt such pure magnetism twixt myself and another member of the male gender! Let me quash immediately any rumors that might point towards my homosexuality: my wife quite enjoys the throbbing pleasures of our marital bed. Surely, to ask her of my prowess in the exploration of her nether regions would be to request beautiful verses describing the Platonic Ideal of Manliness itself!

But more to the point: General Singer’s clean, masculine smell is one which all Southerners should be privileged to take in at least once.

For all the platitudes that were written during this time about General Singer and his clean, masculine scent, little is known of the man himself. Public records from Burlington, Vermont (where he retired after the conclusion of the war [after declining the Republican nomination for President in 1868]) indicated a marriage license issued to “Breft Singer and Lylatia Agnessa D’Agnostico.” No records can be found on Mrs. D’Agnostico-Singer, save a police report which cited her for “moaning unbecoming a goode Christian woman.”

Quickly forgotten thanks to the vagaries of history (and soon supplanted by men with much more mainstream sexual appeal [see: Theodore Roosevelt, William Jennings Bryan]), General Breft was nonetheless an important figure in the War Between the States. For all the perceived division that exists in the U.S. today, perhaps it is not so controversial to suggest that what we really lack is a latter-day clean, masculine scent.