Freud, Christ, Jerry Falwell, Phyllis Schafly, Liberace: these important scholars have all contributed to the sanitizing of American sexual dialogue in the past century. However, such was not always the case. There was a time in which blue language and descriptions of love affairs were freely debated and discussed in public correspondence. This was startlingly true during the Civil War. One example of the openness accorded sexual congress during this period of time was Mistress Domage.

Mistress Domage was ostensibly a prolific prostitute. She is referred to in the correspondence of many Union generals that have come down to us through the tumult of history. In fact, the aura surrounding Mistress Domage has given rise to a legend that was apparently widespread during the War Between the States. To wit:

Dearest Ellworth:

I hope you have been taking care of the farm for Mother like I asked you to when I left for war. You are now the man of the house, so I trust you will protect Mother and little Elizabeth. The rifle is hanging above the threshold should any Indians, bears or Egyptians attack.

On a side note, I’ve been seeing this prostitute. The lieutenant under my command told me that if I “knew” this Mistress Domage in the biblical sense, my performance on the battlefield would be impeccable. And it was! Son, if this god-forsaken war continues to the point that you are old enough to serve, I demand that you have sexual relations with the prostitute I regularly do the same with.

With Love,

General Armand Bullock

General Bullock was killed a week later at the Battle of Spork Fiend.

The amount of letters written by officers that contain a mention of Mistress Domage is staggering. Some pay particular attention to her beauty (“…an ethereal glow seeps from the glowing orbs I can only assume are her eyes…”), others focus upon her sweet singing voice (“…like a million crystalline butterflies praising my enormous member…”) and some simply obsess about her genitals (“…oh my god her vagina is so awesome!”). What is constant in these letters is the belief that sleeping with Mistress Domage, she of the ethereal beauty and awesome vagina will confer some innate talent or blessing on the battlefield. For example:

Dear Daddy:

I was really scared. How come I’m the youngest soldier I know? I think I’m nine, but I don’t remember. How come you didn’t have to come fight? Can I go home now? It’s really scary here!

If it wasn’t for this really nice lady named Misses Dommaj, I’d be even more scared. But after I took a nap with her, I killed a lot of people. There was like a battle.

Love,

Timmy

Amazingly, it is only through these letters that we have any tangible information about Mistress Domage. Undertaking a massive survey of all the extant information about this mystery woman, Dr. Phelpzer Mkembe of Hoobard University has constructed a list of facts about her that are either ubiquitous or rarely contradicted:

-         She possesses unrivaled beauty.

-         She sings beautifully.

-         She is under five feet tall.

-         She weighs over 300 pounds.

-         She has webbed feet.

-         Her body is covered in a fine, silky blue hair.

-         She speaks only Lebanese.

Dr. Mkembe has concluded, after reviewing vintage news sources, that Mistress Domage was in fact, Doria El-Hatha, the deformed mutant daughter of Lebanese diplomat and geneticist Gary Smith. The April 4, 1859 Delaware Issuance-Daily bears a cover story relating her disappearance and potential new life with a traveling covered-wagon brothel.

Therefore:

Most Union officers in the Civil War slept with a short, squat hairy amphibious blue Lebanese mutant. And yet we’re still allowing the North to take the moral high ground in that war?

Sounds like moral relativism to me.