by Zach Forsberg-Lary

[A quick background: Tony wrote a book. The book won some prizes and eventually stumbled into the hands of a few folks at everydayyeah.com. None of these persons read the book. They rarely do, but a mocking review was written regardless.Tony had the internet and found the review. He posted a comment correcting all the blunders portrayed in the write-up. It was a great day for everydayyeah.com. Though there was bit of embarrassment the notoriety felt grand. To top it off Mr. Tony agreed to do an interview. It’s been a whirlwind of events culminating with today’s publication of the interview.
Tony has another book coming out in February. Everydayyeah.com hopes to repeat the process.]

Interview Rules:

1. I ask the questions.
2. I may ask or say whatever I want.
3. I may swear and curse freely.
4. I may make grammar/syntax/numbering mistakes if I want to.
3. For each question, you may either respond, refuse to comment, insult me, write a short poem evading the question, ask yourself a different question and answer that (please include the question if you choose this option), or attach a JPG or GIF visual interpretation of my question that you or a friend created in Microsoft Paint.
5. You may say whatever you want.
6. You may swear and curse freely.
7. You may lie.
8. You may make errors of any type at any time.
8. I may inventify existing words, or make up entirely new words at will.
9. Feel free to skip any questions for reasons of time-constraint or objectionability.
10. All numbered lists must end with the number ten. I like the number ten.

Questions:
Zach Forsberg-Lary: Do you forgive me for my review of your book, Whiteman? Why or why not?

Tony D'Souza: Well since there was no harm intended, there’s nothing to forgive. In fact I thought it was funny. I write books in part because I have an aching hole in my chest where my heart should be and crave any attention at all, so I love being noticed good or bad, this is true for all artists or anyone who in anyway seeks any attention, even you. Admitting this about one’s self is the first step to nothing in particular since it can‘t be fixed anyway. But it is good to admit it none the less for some reason.

Of the dozens of times Whiteman was reviewed, only you guys and some loser named

Ben Oswest in South Africa reviewed the book negatively. Oswest called me a second rate writer. For the record, Ben Oswest can fuck himself. With a broom handle. Wrapped with barbed wire.

ZFL: What type of music do you listen to most frequently? What is your favorite band/composer/artist? Why or why not?

TD: I like hip-hop and crunk. I don’t know why. I like the videos on BET. I wake up to Trillville on my clock radio CD player. I like full grills and bling and crunk juice goblets like Lil Jon’s. It’s funny. I ask my dentist every time I go in if she’ll give me a steel tooth, but she says no. She’s friends with my mom. I can’t really stand too much emo stuff. Like, get out of the house and do something to cheer yourself up. I like pretty much anything that’s on the juke box at the dive bar down the street where I drink Miller Lites and smoke cigarettes and don’t talk to anybody until about my fourth beer. Then I’ll talk to anybody. It’s all Eagles and Fleetwood Mac and what not. The guys there are usually Vietnam Vets at least they claim to be. The bartender is a biker chick. I’m pretty sure they all think that I am unemployed. That’s cool with me. The bar is called the Hide-A-Way and I like it mostly because I can walk there.

ZFL: I don't get into hip-hop really, but have you ever heard of crunk music, and if so do you prefer oldschool shit like Three 6 Mafia or newer stuff like Lil John?

TD: I think I just answered that question.

ZFL: Would you mind describing the most meaningful human interaction you experienced during your time in Nicaragua? If not, please do so.
TD: Nicaragua was full of murderers, prostitutes, and ex-pat drunks so I did not have any meaningful interactions in six months there. But I did witness a lot of funny stories. Like they had cock fights (as in the chickens) every Sunday, so these guys bought this mean white cock and they wanted it to win so they gave it a snort of cocaine. Well that chicken of course tore up the other chicken in ten seconds flat. Then they collected their money and went out to their jeep, but the thing would not start. Well everybody was fucked up from drinking all day and pissed off to be stuck out in the jungle in a broken down jeep. So there was a little coke left in the bag so they dug it out with the jeep key and snorted it. Then they stuck the key with coke on it in the ignition and tried to start the jeep again and sure enough it did. So the chicken and the jeep both got started up on the coke. I swear to god that is a true story.

ZFL: I find there to be a fine line between interest in, respect for, and interaction with other cultures and paternalism, sensationalization, and exoticization. Though some of those aren't really words, have you ever encountered this " fine line", and if so, when? OR Has your writing ever been misinterpreted as being paternalistic or criticized for its perspective? If so, by whom, and if you could would you curse his/her bloodline for generations to come? Why or why not?

TD: I don’t really understand your question. It’s hard to read. But I get a lot of questions like that from people at the back of the audiences I speak to. It’s usually some graduate student who is trying to sound smart. But as always there is a kernel of a real question in it. I think what you are trying to ask is Who hates you? Well I think that some women hate me because I write about situations where men exploit women in the third world, and I think that some minorities think that I ridicule minorities. Those people just don’t read close enough. Hello, I am on your side! I don’t know, I don’t get much of it but once in awhile I get some real hate mail. Like I wrote about Havana once and I talked a lot in the piece about the prostitutes. Well this lady wrote me this really evil letter about how I didn’t know anything about Cuba and that I was being an ugly American etc etc. But the fact was of my month in Havana almost every single night I was propositioned by a prostitute and often two or three of them. Well yes of course I was in those bars and clubs. But I had said that in the piece. So this lady just had her way of wanting Cuba to be and I said something else. The only thing I can say in that case is So you tell your story about it and I’ll tell mine.

ZFL: That was a long question. Would you like a few "yes" or "no" questions?

TD: Yes.

ZFL: Disregarding your previous answer, I have changed my mind about this interview's trajectory and have now decided to write a "choose your own adventure" section of the interview. Please begin with question A and follow the subsequent instructions in order to proceed: A. Do you eat meat? (if 'yes' please proceed to question Q. if 'no' please proceed to question C)
Q. Do you generally prefer beef (proceed to question X) or chicken (proceed to question L)?
C. Have you ever had a dream in which you were flying? (if 'yes' please proceed to question V. if 'no' please proceed to question Y)
X. Even with Buffalo sauce? (if 'yes' please proceed to question M. if 'no' please return to question Q and add "with buffalo sauce" before the question mark)
M. Did you ever watch a boxing match? (please proceed to question L regardless of answer).
Y. Maybe you just don't remember it (please continue with the other parts of this interview).
V. You are at a large door. Enter (please proceed to question L) or stand still for awhile (please return to question X)?
L. Did you think this "choose your own adventure" section was kind of weak? (if 'yes' please continue to the next part of this interview. if 'no' please return to question A and continue in this section until you are bored)

ZFL: A. Do you eat meat (if 'yes' please proceed to question Q. if 'no' please proceed to question C)?

TD: Yes.

ZFL: Q. Do you generally prefer beef (proceed to question X) or chicken (proceed to question L)?

TD: Beef.

ZFL: X. Even with Buffalo sauce (if 'yes' please proceed to question M. if 'no' please return to question Q and add "with buffalo sauce" before the question mark)?

TD: I don’t know what Buffalo sauce is, but I like buffalo wings so ‘yes’.

ZFL: M. Did you ever watch a boxing match (please proceed to question L regardless of answer)?

TD: Yes.

ZFL: L. Did you think this "choose your own adventure" section was kind of weak? (if 'yes' please continue to the next part of this interview. if 'no' please return to question A and continue in this section until you are bored)

TD: Uh?

[Note: I think it's important to notice that Mr. D'Souza dodged the questions C, Y, and V. Obviously he must be hiding something.]

ZFL: END OF CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE SECTION

TD: Thanks for clearly marking the end of the section.

ZFL: What is your family like? If you had control over the order in which your family members would die, what would the order be? So you feel more comfortable with this question, I'll tell you about my own family. I have a mom Linda (47), a dad Kevin (48), an ex-stepmother Molly (42?), a stepfather Ted (61?), three sisters: Victoria (18), Juliana (17), and Sydonia (13), two dogs: Lucas (3 [human years]) and Stray Dog (unknown age), and two cats: Ava (2 [human years]) and Artichoke (2 [human years]). If I had to choose the order of deaths, it would be as follows:
1. (first to die) cat: Ava. She's not really that cool, and she's really my sister Jules' cat, so I don't really give a shit about her. Plus, Jules' last cat got hit by a car, so she can handle another pet-death.
2. Cat: Artichoke. I'm not a big "cat person" and he doesn't belong to me anyway. My roommates and I are taking care of him until our friend, Kristen takes him back. I like him, but I won't really see him much after this summer as it is, so I don't really care if he's dead or alive.
3. Dog: Stray Dog. He's kind of old, so he's probably next anyway.
4. Stepfather: Ted. He's the oldest, so he's probably next anyway. Except, shit: he's really healthy and muscular and pretty bad-ass too, so I feel kind of bad about killing him off now. Oh well.
5. Stepmother: Molly. Blood is thicker than my dad's ex-marriage, so even though she's pretty cool, she's gotta go next.
6. Mom: Linda. She's cool and stuff, but she's a Lutheran minister, so she understands sacrifice and martyrdom and religious bullshit like that. Plus she's got like this killer life insurance policy so my sisters and I would be totally set until I kill them off too... then I would be practically rolling in the cash-money.
7. Dog: Lucas. That's right, I'll need him to cuddle and play frisbee with me after my mom dies (not that she filled those roles, but that he would comfort me).
8. Dad Kevin. Even though he's one of my favorites, I can't include him in the same bracket as my sisters because of the vast age-difference and life potential.
9. Sister: Sydonia. She's a half-sister, so the blood/genetic shit comes into play again.
10. Sister: Victoria. For my remaining two sisters, I tried to guess who has already enjoyed more aspects of life... Vic is a little more easy-going and morally flexible, so it's likely that she will have tried more interesting things at any given moment. Jules would take a little longer (I guess) to experience certain interesting parts of life.
10. Sister: Jules.
Your turn:

TD: Uh, I would like to die first so that I wouldn’t have to see anyone that I love die. My dad died when I was young. So that’s pretty much put me off wanting to see anyone die ever again. Buzzkill. Sorry.

ZFL: Describe your morning routine (if you have one).

TD: Sure, I get up and answer emails. I’m usually in my underwear. I look in the mirror a few times to see how I’ve aged overnight/how yellow my teeth are now/if I can pinch an inch. If my girlfriend is home I’ll try to talk her into a morning romp or two. If she’s on her way to work I’ll make her a sandwich and hang out with her a little bit, I really like my girlfriend. Sooner or later I will answer the call of the wild. I might read a book as I do or The Onion. Once my girlfriend leaves I am free to fart and burp at will. Then I might eat a bagel with cream cheese or if there are leftovers like half a fish taco or something I’ll eat that. Then the dog will start jumping on me because she has to go out and answer the call of the wild. So I’ll take her out for 30 minutes or an hour and I call this exercise. I haven’t washed yet or anything. Then it will be about noon and I’ll do 50 pushups and 150 situps and 60 dumbbell curls and maybe some squats. If my girlfriend is home I’ll do this naked because for some reason it usually seduces her into a romp. But if she’s not, I’ll wear my boxers. The dog is well-behaved when the gf is home because it’s her dog, but when it’s just me and the dog, the dog freaks out as soon as I start doing push ups and she jumps all over me. Pretty much all of this time I will be checking to see if the stock market has crashed like I expect it to any day now. Not because I have any money in the market but because most rich people I’ve met are pretty dumb and arrogant and I wouldn’t mind seeing them freak out.

ZFL: What's up with Japan? What are you going to write about next?
TD: Japan is full of Japanese people. Japan looks pretty much like America with streets and streetlights and all the good stuff that the rest of the world doesn’t have, but it’s full of Japanese people. Like everybody. I kind of get the feeling that people expect me to mug them or disturb the public order because I am not Japanese. Sometimes I just want to shout and make loud noises to freak them all out. I bet they would have me in a straight jacket pretty quick. What do you think? I am going to write next whatever happens to come in for a landing. I don’t really plan ahead on what I’m going to write like that. I like just sitting down and seeing what happens. It gives you a lot more opportunities to jam and riff than if you make a big plan about a book and lock yourself into it.

ZFL: The brief blurb in playboy.com's "book jacket" page includes a quote about your broadened concept of sexual beauty. Please elaborate on your old concept of sexual beauty, and how it has changed.

TD: Good question. I grew up in an all-white suburb of Chicago and there was a lot of racism there and the idea of hooking up with a black girl was pretty much as opposite to the thinking there as you could get. And because I was there I didn’t have the opportunity to really know anything else. All my girlfriends were white chicks. Then I went to Cuba and to Africa right after that and dated black girls there and I’m not going to say that one race is better than the other or anything stupid like that, but that is the point: all the races are equal and equally beautiful (and equally ugly!). So growing up and getting away from that small town and experimenting with different things has just allowed me to have a much more open and full experience of this world than if I had not. It’s kind of the same with food. Like Indian food. For a lot of people over here, Indian food is super exotic and they think they are all adventurous for eating it once a twice a year. Except in India they eat it everyday and it is not exotic at all. So what I don’t get it why someone would eat a crappy cheeseburger when they could eat a spicy chicken curry instead. Or a falafel sandwich. I am all about the falafel.

ZFL: Michael Eric Dyson is also included in playboy.com's "book jacket" page. I heard him speak once on the very broad topic of "race" in Boston, MA. What do you think of him as a writer? A speaker? An eligible bachelor?

TD: I met Dyson at that shoot and you know I think that he has an important thing to say and that he defends poor black Americans against people like Bill Cosby who is a rich arrogant dick in that he seems to tread hardest on the poorest of the poor and on the disenfranchised. As though he has forgotten his own history. So Dyson and I are on the same page and he is on the good guy side. But at the same time and maybe I am just jealous because Dyson is so successful and on TV all the time, but he does chase and capitalize on the news and so there has to be that guy and he is the black version of that guy. He seizes on a hot story that is germane to his platform ie Katrina, churns out a book, makes the rounds on the talking heads shows. At least what he’s saying is in support of the poor, and they never have enough people speaking for them and so many people speaking against them. Hey, did I mention that I check the stock market all the time to see if it has crashed? It will.

As to Dyson’s eligibility as a bachelor, I think he’s married. I mean, he’s kind of an older dude, so if he isn’t married then he should think about it.

ZFL: Speaking of Playboy. What are your thoughts on pornography? Do you think something as relatively tame as Playboy can still be considered pornography when compared to music videos on MTV or when contrasted with hardcore internet pr0n?
TD: Porn, you know, kind of makes me sad, except when I am looking at it and then it makes me horny. It makes me sad that we are so biologically driven that the unscrupulous can separate us from our wealth, and yet, when I look at it, I am also very happy. Ever seen “2 girls 1 cup” on YouTube?

ZFL:Will you be my friend?

TD: Sure.

ZFL: How many Konkans would it take to screw in a lightbulb? Nevermind, the answer is one, unless the lightbulb is too large or heavy for one person to maneuver, in which case additional Konkans might be required. Comments?

TD: Most Konkans in India live without electricity. So I guess the question should be “How many Konkans would it take to light a dung fire?” And again, the answer is one.

ZFL: Speaking of Konkans, Your new book The Konkans, will be coming out soon. I've never written a novel, so I don't know how you think of yours. Can you decide which you prefer? Is it like children, where you have a preference but would never admit it? Do you have to wait and see which one will receive more critical praise or make more money?
TD: I don’t have kids, so the children thing that people always talk about, you know, how your books are your babies, I don’t really get that. My books feel like books to me. My girlfriend and I are actually having a real baby in August and that whole situation feels a lot different than having a book. Like at least the books don’t cry and pee and poo and whatnot. And as far as people having negative things to say about my books, like, that’s fine. You can’t hurt a book’s feelings. So like Ben Oswest down in South Africa, like I say, he can go fuck himself, but it’s not like I am actually going to track him down and punch him out. For one, it’s expensive to fly to South Africa, and for two he lives in South Africa so he’s got enough problems already. Ever been there? The whole racial situation and history just make it suck. But if Ben Oswest were to bad mouth my kid, that’s different. I would definitely fly down there and track down his latte-sipping, Table Mountain gazing, coasting on his racial inheritance, crappy writer’s ass. And I would punch him out.

I really, really care about the writing of my books, the night after night alone at my table trying to get the story right. After that, the rest of life I just sort of take as it comes to me. Like as to my kid on the way. I hope it’s healthy and everything. But beyond that I don’t care if he/she is gay straight smart dumb ugly pretty etc. etc. I’d like the kid to be nice to other people. But I guess that’s my job to teach it that, isn’t it?

ZFL: While we're on the subject of The Konkans, may I review it? Since you've been so generous with your time and talents, I'll offer you the courtesy of asking permission before reviewing any of your . I'll warn you that if I do, I will not actually read it but will give it a negative review nonetheless (as that's kind of my shtick).

TD: Fine with me. Just put your heart and soul into it. I put my heart and soul into my book, so why not do me the honor of putting your heart and soul into your negative review of my book that you haven’t read.

ZFL: Have you seen any memorable films lately? If so, which would you recommend? Why?

TD:We went and saw Juno. We really liked it because we are having a baby. I don’t think I would have got it if we weren’t having a baby. I think I would have thought it was a chick flick and yawned a lot. But having a baby changes shit. I was like bawling from time to time. Which is so not baller, son. And yet it is.

ZFL: Have you ever fantasized about Marisa Tomei or Allysa Milano? Because I always confuse the two, and I've definitely fantasized about both (not together or anything... though I probably will now that I thought of it).

TD: Um, the only fantasies I’ve ever admitted to my girlfriend are Halle Berry, Kelly Rowland, Julie Andrews, Elizabeth Hasslebeck when she was pregnant, and Rachel Ray. But I definitely know who you are talking about since I was going through puberty when those chicks were hot. But I can’t admit to all the socks I starched at night thinking about them when I was a kid or I’ll, you know, pay the price for it with my baby mama.

ZFL: Thank you for your time.

TD: Thank you.