as always this picture isn't a realistic representation of interviewed

I got a chance to
trade emails with Mr. Ben Tanzer over the past couple weeks. He’s an interesting character, but you can’t
help feel bad for him when you hear of how he got caught in the cult movement
of TBWCYL.

***

I believe it was you,
Ben Tanzer, who was curious about when you would receive your would receive
your official interview request from Everyday Yeah. I commend you on your
research. You figured us out pretty easy. I am a little confused though on why
you referred to yourself in the plural ("Our only remaining question is
when should we expect our official interview request?"). Does the man Ben
Tanzers only come in bulk, not individually sold? Maybe it is in response to
Everyday Yeah's use of the plural. Or maybe it is a condition from childhood
when your entire family died off and you used the pronoun "we" to
pretend you weren't alone in this cold world (If this last part is true then I
apologize it was never meant to be anything more than a weak joke). Anyway, to
answer your question, the interview starts now.

Why “we?” Good question. First off, not only is Lucky Man
author and TBWCYL, Inc. spokesperson Ben Tanzer a Gemini, but in fact consumed
his twin brother Aaron in utero and now feels obligated to ensure his voice is
heard by the world. Wow, was that wrong, it sounded good during the brainstorm.
Second, Ben Tanzer is a firm believer in past lives and since he is on fairly
good speaking terms with those he was before, Eleanor Roosevelt and Deney
Terrio just to name a few, he feels that when he speaks he speaks for all of
them. Wait a minute, our assistant says Deney Terrio is still alive, it’s just
his career that’s dead. Sorry. Third, and foremost though, we have this book
being released by an independent publisher with no marketing budget and we are
trying to figure out how to rise above the clutter and create a little buzz. We
have this idea that we can treat Lucky Man as more than a book, that it can be
marketed as an experience, a product that changes lives, cures the ill, and
maybe even makes the reader a better lover, writer, reader, gardener, junkie,
Furry, whatever their thing. We want the whole process to be like the monorail
episode of The Simpsons, except that we have to act like people want Lucky Man
and need Lucky Man even though we know, and they know, they don’t. It also
seems to us that a product has to come from a corporation of some kind, albeit
a faux corporation in this case, so we created Lucky Man, Inc. and then
developed “This Blog Will Change Your Life” as a platform for the new company
to spread the Lucky Man gospel. When we hit 100 posts we decided to re-brand
the company as TBWCYL, Inc. with the idea that it isn’t good business to focus
on Lucky Man alone when we want to write more books and launch more products,
for example, “This Podcast Will Change Your Life,” which we have launched,
“This Zine Will Change Your Life,” which we’re accepting submissions for now at
thiszinewillchangeyourlife@yahoo.com,
and “This Perfume Will Change Your Life,” which is still down the road a ways,
but is going to be a nice mix of cumin and cinnamon, with a touch of ocean
breeze and Zima. So, why “we?” Because Ben Tanzer is merely the spokesperson
for TBWCYL, Inc., representing the entire staff here at headquarters, everyone
from the typesetters to the CEO. It’s a team effort, and there is no “I” in team.

It's funny that you
mention eating your twin brother while in your womb because my roommate said he
did that once or maybe I'm just imagining things. Anyway, what has been
your response (or what will be your response) when people come to you upset
that even though TBWCYL did change their life it changed it for the
worst. Their lives, which used to be pleasant, are horrible messes.
I mean, are you guys really at fault?

That’s a great question. Our lawyers state we are not, or
would not be, at fault. No life-changing agreements have been signed, and as no
true advertising is in place, no false advertising theoretically exists. We
would add, that we have regularly reminded the followers of This Blog Will
Change Your Life that what we can mainly offer them is the possibility for
change of some kind, sometimes good, sometimes bad, and hopefully more of the
former. Still, your question nags at us, not unlike the oozing boil we’ve had
in the crook of our arm since our early days in New York City. Not an ongoing
distraction, but a presence, and a reminder of the roads not taken. Frankly,
what truly nags at us is not that we might ruin a life here or there, that
happens all the time on the kinds of meteoric climbs to the top we are
currently engaged in. And when it happens, we feel bad, but we move on, we have
to. No, what nags at us, is that despite what we believe to be an overtly
tongue-in-cheek, not to mention unabashedly narcissistic send-up of like
campaigns, there still might be people who believe they really do need
something like Lucky Man to change their lives and so their disappointment is
more profound, and their rejection more intense, when it does not. That would be
most unfortunate for everyone involved, especially when all we could then offer
them is a signed, limited edition, hemp-based TBWCYL, Inc. T-shirt from
American Apparel.

Oh, I'm a fan of
T-shirts. I once got a calvin and hobbes t-shirt in sixth grade and would
only wear it to dances. Then eventually it got old, but I kept wearing it
up through college. It's since been retired. Tell me what t-shirt
are you wearing right now. Also, I suggest that you add http://whatchedgewears.blogspot.com/ to your daily rotation of blogs to check out. Lastly, I ask you, who is
deb?

Yes, we also love the t-shirt, we think of it as a staple
really, like buttless chaps, and today we are wearing a navy blue, long-sleeved
t-shirt with sweat whisking capabilities. Not so coincidentally, the shirt
happens to contain the links for our publisher Manx Media - www.manxmedia.com.luckyman/htm - our blog “This Blog Will Change Your Life” - http://bentanzer.blogspot.com/ - and
the home of our YouTube faux marketing videos - http://www.youtube.com/user/bentanzer.
Crazy, right? Meanwhile, we will be sure to visit the blog you have recommended
and are thinking about how best to answer that proverbial question, “who is
deb?” We think this question is a fine one, but more important to us than “who
is deb,” would be “what is deb,” and maybe more accurately, what is Deb to
TBWCYL, Inc.? We also think that the best way to respond is to direct you
to the following lyrics from the song “You’re the Inspiration” by the
groundbreaking band Chicago, because more than anything we can say, these
lyrics answer the question simply and sweetly and without any kind of agenda.
We would add though, that is helps to add “Deb” prior to any use of “you’re” and
following any use of “you.”

“(Deb) You're the meaning in my life

(Deb) you're the inspiration.

(Deb) You bring feeling to my life

(Deb) you're the inspiration.

Wanna have you (Deb) near me

I wanna have you (Deb) hear me sayin'

No one needs you (Deb) more than I need you (Deb).

Speaking of Chicago
(and I must cry ignorance on the subject, this question is only to help my own
knowledge of the band) which member would you most like to have as your father,
which one would you most be willing to kiss, which one would you like to be
picked up by hitchhiking, which one would you let sleep in your bed, and which
one would you only allow to sleep on the couch?

You touch on a really interesting and somewhat painful
subject for us, though we recognize that on some unconscious level we pushed
you to ask this question. At TBWCYL, Inc. we like to separate the professional
from the personal, we feel there’s not just more mystery that way, but stronger
boundaries between the staff and our adoring, albeit some times unrelenting
fans. When it comes to Chicago though, our feelings are so raw we think it’s
better to let our guard down and just respond. You asked which member of
Chicago would we most like to be our father, and so here and now we would like
to address the fact that TBCWYL, Inc. spokesperson Ben Tanzer has fought a
long, some times disheartening battle to prove that Peter Cetera the former
lead singer of Chicago is in fact his biological father. As Ben’s mother Judy
tells it, back in 1968 as Chicago was starting its climb to the top, and for
the record still called Chicago Transit Authority, they passed through Ben’s
native Manitoba for a show, and Judy found herself spending a long romantic
evening with Mr. Cetera their budding star. Nine months later Ben arrived.
Chicago never came back through town and Judy’s calls to Mr. Cetera went
unreturned. For many years Ben heeded his mother’s request and kept this
assignation a secret, but recently he has sought validation in the form of Mr.
Cetera acknowledging Ben as his progeny. Ben would like to add here, that this
effort has nothing to do with his desire to bring extra attention to him at the
same moment Lucky Man happens to be fighting for increased buzz and Markey
share, but he does hope that Mr. Cetera will see this interview and be moved to
respond to one desperate son’s desire to connect with his real father. Ben
knows this is a long shot of course, but he still believes in dreams. He also
invites you to visit his website www.peterceteraismyfatherandicanproveit.com for further documentation and support of his claims, DNA test, motel receipts,
etc., and hopes that while you are there you will consider buying his new
self-published memoir Daddy, Come Home, The Sad Yet Ultimately Triumphant Story
of Peter Cetera’s Bastard Canadian Son.

That's a very
touching story, but in a way isn't your creation just a grand marketing scheme
on the part of Chicago? Has TBWCYL given any thought into littering the
countryside with thousands of pregnant mothers filled with illegitimate bastards?
At least half those children would grow up desperately seeking fatherly love
and you could easily put them to work in the name of TBWCYL.

Wow, it’s amazing watching our house of cards collapse
Mamet-like all around us like this, though if we are to come clean the
conspiracy goes far beyond what you intimate. To summarize, I was approached in
2006 by a representative of Chicago who shall remain nameless. This
representative was looking to work with me, Ben Tanzer, then an obscure
Chicago-based writer, with a small, but fervid following, so as to achieve two
goals, one, generate buzz for Chicago as they entered their fifth decade in the
business by getting them a mention in the world-renowned website/blog “Everyday
Yeah” and two, further besmirch the reputation of former lead singer Peter
Cetera, whose acrimonious departure from the group and subsequent work with Amy
Grant, still left the members of his former band with a taste in their mouth so
acrid no amount of Redbull could kill it. Their plan was simple, ghostwrite a
life-changing novel, put my name on it, create a faux corporation and
corresponding blog, wait for “Everyday Yeah” to write a Lucky Man non-review,
casually ask for an interview, and then once granted, talk about the band as
often as possible, while simultaneously bashing Peter Cetera, who truth to be
told, I nor my mother have ever actually met. The plan has clearly progressed
like clockwork, better maybe than we could have hoped for, but not unlike Andy
Pettite, I now long for contrition. That said, this still leaves us with the
one question that the whole plan was always contingent on - how would “Everyday
Yeah” come across Lucky Man in the first place? And so if I too am allowed to
ask a question, I ask you this, how did “Everyday Yeah” come across the book?
Obviously, I’ve done what I could to subtly bring it to your attention, for
example, the subliminal messages I have been placing in the notes your mom puts
in your Transformers lunch box every morning, but what ultimately worked for us,
what got Lucky Man into your lives and into your heads, and how did your
non-review come about? Meanwhile, in terms of the second half of your question,
as I always tell my good friend Pete Anderson (www.petelit.com/), who clearly covets a staff position
here, we have plenty of work to go around at TBWCYL, Inc., it’s highly
satisfying, and we can offer any amount of the fatherly love you require.
However, if you want to work for us, you need to be prepared to stop paying
your mortgage and for you and your family to go hungry. If that’s cool with you
though, it’s definitely cool with us.

To answer your
question about how the non-review came about, it was something of luck.
At first, I actually forgot how I came upon your blog, but then I stumbled
across your link again at the Amy Guth blog and remembered she was the
reason. I don't know how I found her, but it happened. Let's turn
our attention to her for a bit. Are you guys good friends? What's
one thing that you know about her that no one else knows? What's one
thing she knows about you?

Interesting, now are Amy and I good friends? That’s a great
question. I like to think of us as best friends and I regularly ask her if I am
allowed to tell people that we are. She says “why do we have put labels on
everything, isn’t what we have special enough for you?” And you know what, that
works for me, because Amy is a very cool chick, a great writer, check out Three
Fallen Women, a very entertaining blogger, definitely check out Big Mouth
Indeed Strikes Again, and a real supporter of Lucky Man and mine, which I most
definitely appreciate. She’s also putting on a very cool literary fest this May
here in Chicago called the Pilcrow Lit Fest which you’re many readers can learn
more about at www.pilcrowlitefest.com/.
What I know about her that few others know, is that she formally sang in the
band Boyz N Girlz United, which has this really cool conceptual thing going for
it – it was a boy band with girls. Hot, right? I was actually their manager for
awhile, and Amy was sort of the fifth wheel. Things for the band kind of
imploded after Robbie left Amy for Britney while they were touring and Amy and
Robbie broke-up. Amy hates to talk about it, but after five or six drinks she
is known to refer to Britney as Yoko. What she knows about me is that I was
formerly a woman. There now everyone knows. And for the record, I’ve never felt
freer.

I feel honored that
you would share that with us. Speaking of your new found sexuality and
the mention of boy band phenomena, have you ever been in a boy band and if not
which one do you wish you were apart of?

You’re welcome, and no, despite much effort, and many long,
long, nights spent hanging out with Lou Pearlman, I’ve never been lucky enough
to land a coveted spot in a boy band. Now, which one do I wish I was part of,
that’s easy, O-Town, all the way. They were the last and the lamest of the boy
bands. They didn’t care that the whole fad was coming to a crashing halt. Or
that they couldn’t really sing or dance. Nor were they self-conscious about the
fact that their popularity was fueled in large part by their being endlessly
embarrassed on an unbelievably weak MTV reality show. They did what they had to
do, they hustled, and they spoke to me in a way that nobody had since NKOTB.
Rock on O-Town.

I once new a kid name
sean. His last name began with an O. People called him
O-town. I rode in his car once. I don't think he was in the
band. Anyway, what do people call you?
And also, how long do you want this interview to go on for?
I was thinking about putting it up soon, like real soon, but have enjoyed our
conversation. Maybe this can turn into something like an infinite
interview, no?

They call me Mr. Tanzer.

As far as how long this interview should go on for, I’ve
enjoyed it as well, and infinite sounds great, but by all means put it up as
soon as you’re ready, the audience can probably only take so much anyway. Also,
I realized that I wrote the Pilcrow Lit Fest’s website incorrectly, it isn’t
actually the Pilcrow Lite Fest, so should read www.pilcrowlitfest.com/.

And thanks for the interest, it really has been a lot of
fun.

Ben

So I guess this will continue on into infinity. Until we get there, love to everyone, especially you Mr. Tanzer.