EDY If you want, I'd love to trade some questions and answers in a kind of informal interview

Elizabeth Crane Sure, I'll answer questions for you.

EDY Alright, let's start this off: Why is your mom on youtube (has since been taken down), Why does your dad feel the need to fake smile, and why is your dog tired?

EC Awesome. My mom is on youtube because she fled the town of dwarves to become an opera star. My dad fake smiles because he doesn't think it's funny. My dog is tired from opening all the presents. Duh.

EDY I saw you made a haiku for featherproof books. Can you write one for everyday yeah?

EC Took me a second to figure out what you were talking about, I forgot they put that on their site. Sure, I will but I gotta run to school - will work on it.

Later…

Haiku for Everyday Yeah
by Elizabeth Crane
Gnomes live over here,
eat your snacks, talk about you,
and never clean up.

EDY That was really good. Everyday Yeah really appreciates your creativity and use of gnomes. Speaking of gnomes, what's your feeling about lawn gnomes and/or what was the summer like after fifth grade going into sixth grade?

EC Thanks, my pleasure. I don't see enough lawn gnomes around here, quite frankly. I'd like to see a lawn covered with gnomes. I'd do it if we were homeowners, but we just rent. We're not homeowners or gnomeowners. We're gnomeless. Also, I think it's time for The Bachelor: Gnome Edition.
Let's see, the summer of 72, I graduated from PS 166, I was listening to the Jackson 5ive on my Toot-a-loop and worrying that private school kids would be snobby. I'm pretty sure that Lik-m-aid, Wacky Packs, and Archie comics were present. I had a new baby sister, and I changed her diapers and made her laugh for the first time. Maybe I wasn't good at it.

EDY I like things I don't know. I like Toot-a-loop and Lik-m-aid. I refuse to look these things up. I prefer ignorance.
Why is everything awesome in your opinion?

EC You should look up Toot-a-loop, because you'll want one. It's an S, it's an O, it's a crazy radio. Well, fine, everything isn't awesome. I get stomachaches. Still my life is pretty awesome. I have the perfect job and the perfect husband and my dog is almost perfect even though he's medium smart. Our furniture and every item in our living room is currently in a neat vertical pile in the center of the room. How awesome is that?

EDY The furniture sounds amazing. Let me stop for a second and reflect. I apologize for the direction this interview is going. I wonder if anyone will want to read it. I am a failure when it comes to interviews. I should have told you from the beginning. Let's try questions like:
When did you first learn to write?

EC My dad tells people I learned to read when I was three, but even if that's true I doubt if I could hold a pen very well at that time. So I'm gonna say first grade like everyone else. But - my writing career began solidly in third grade when I read Harriet the Spy. I kept spy notebooks for several years after that with keen observations like, "Juan Henriquez is wearing a poncho today. Consider."

EDY What are your thoughts on cursive?

EC I am completely terrible at it. When I was in grade school I got all excellents except for penmanship: poor.

EDY When did you first learn to sharpen a pencil?

EC I don't know, but you know those kind of marking pencils where you peel off the paper to expose more of the pencil? Who doesn't want to just unpeel the whole thing at once? When I was a kid I thought that was the future of all pencils.
EDY What's your favorite book?

(Note: I really apologize for asking this question. I don’t know how it slipped in there. I feel like this is one of the worst questions you can ask someone.)

EC Oh for the love of god. Just one? Not possible. If you held a gun to my head, after I asked you nicely to put it down and you didn't, I'd say Harriet just because it had such a big influence on me.

EDY What do you do when you really want to write, but you're tired or you can't think of anything and all you want to do is press your head into your monitor so it pops out the other side?
EC I sew curtains, clothes, embroider, play scrabulous, and go back to bed.

EDY If you were digging for gold and a walrus tried to steal it would you hit it over the head with a shovel?

ECNot unless it hit me over the head with a shovel first.

EDY On plane rides do you eat the complimentary peanuts?

EC What, the three peanuts that come in a bag that just remind me I have nothing to eat for the next three hours? No way. Plus I could take or leave peanuts. I usually eat the three pretzels but then the next three hours are rough.

EDY What do you think of the new legislation?
EC I think it's terrible.

EDY Do you even know of the new legislation?

EC Not really.

EDY What do you think this new legislation is if you had to take a guess?
EC Vote no to violence on violence against walruses?

EDY Have you ever been on a date with a blind man?

EC No. Have you?

(No.)

EDY Are you opposed to bringing a toothbrush on blind dates and brushing your teeth at the table if it isn't going well? etc etc

EC No, I think that's a great idea. I wish I'd thought of that while I was still dating.

EDY What do you think 'etc etc' implies here?
EC Flossing and mouthwash, duh.
I'd also like to say that you are not a failure. Say that to yourself a few times a day until it sticks, willya?

(awww. How nice)

EDY Did you like the Harriet the spy movie? Also, did you catch the Nancy Drew movie? I kind of liked that one.

EC I couldn't see the movie. I heard it was good, but I didn't want anything to interfere with my idea of it. Rosie O' Donnell as Ole Golly? No way. I didn't see the Nancy Drew movie. I used to watch the TV show back in the day...

EDY What would be your dream book talk experience?

EC I'm confused by the question - dream book talk experience? That sounds like there should be a painted Volkswagon bus and some acid involved.

EDY What's teaching like?

EC I love teaching. It's a lot of work, but I'm really fortunate to be able to teach at some excellent schools, and classes tend to be filled with very thoughtful, creative, engaged students. So I get pretty jazzed by it.

EDY Do you ever have students who like to take the bathroom pass four or five times in one hour?

EC Maybe not quite that much.

EDY How do you deal with such rebels?

EC I shun them. But usually I unshun them so fast they don't really notice the shun.

EDY Would you ever name a pet 'gerund'?

EC Probably not.

EDY What about a child?

EC Definitely not.

EDY Why or why not?

EC I'm not against unique baby names but gerund is just a weird-sounding word.

EDY If you could redo the definition for gerund what would you make it?

EC A tiny old person.

EDY How many bunnies did you strangle yesterday?

EC Who would strangle a bunny?

(This was asked on the day after Easter)

EC My husband ate a chocolate one, does that count?
EDY How many eggs did you steal and eat?

EC I stole nothing. I ate easter m&ms.
EDY What other holiday do you wish the easter bunny showed up at?

EC Doesn't the easter bunny come to all your holidays?

EDY I apologize for the question about strangling bunnies. Maybe I'm in a bad place in my life. Maybe I once saw a bunny get run over while waiting for the bus. Maybe I was trying to be funny and you taking the question as a serious one set me in my place. In other news I believe this calamity has gone on far enough. I like how you were so patient with my idiotic questions. It was nice. The last question will be about a novella. It will be something like, when is your first novella coming out and what is it about. That will be the last question. Thank you again.

EC I didn't take it seriously. I'd like to write a novella. I like novellas. I don't know what it would be about. That's always hard to say until I've actually sat down to do it.

Elizabeth Crane wrote this book, this book, and this one. She also blogs here.