Amosberry “Turk” Youngblood was as true an American hero as they come. And by “American Hero,” I mean slave-owner and ruthless battlefield killer. A legend in his own time (as well as the current mascot for the Gurther (Georgia) Regional High School Turkletons), Mr. Youngblood was pivotal in shaping the modern archetype of “itinerant moron.”
Born the son of a Chickasaw Indian and Finnish chambermaid, Amosberry dodged insults resulting from his name and bullets fired by his fellow students. A champion bullet-dodger (All Georgia State, 1857 and 1859), the future Confederate soldier received his nickname to recognize his skill on the bullet-field (Gorfish “Turk” Helden was the first American champion [and was named after Shalim El-Alaki, the Muslim mystic and prophet]).
After barnstorming the young nation’s animal-houses and hurricanes, Youngblood was enlisted by the Confederate Army with one use in mind: Super Sweeper. Developed by CSA General (and part-time youth soccer coach), the Super Sweeper was a position whose deadly force could strike anywhere on the battlefield and which could also play defense.
Credited with victories in many battles (see Appendix A for a full list singlehandedly won by the Corporal), his triumphs were equaled only by the casualties he inflicted. It is said that Youngblood was responsible for 5,784 deaths during his time served. A hero to those who call slavery “butter” and pacifists “pussies, Turk Younglood would be eventually best known as the owner and proprietor of Mr. Happy Fun-Time’s Slaughter Emporium.
Appendix A
- The Battle of Creek Beauregard
- The Battle of Emerson Lake and Palmer
- The Battle of Crutch Nibblet
- The Battle of Yoken-Charlie
- Skirmish 87-B
- The Battle of Hoth
- The Battle of Trepidation Thunder
- Skirmish Alpha-12
- The Battle of Thrust Giving
- The Tunnel-Beast Incident
- The Battle of Agincourt 2
- The Battle of McAfee Coliseum
- Heavyweight Champion Dwight Evans v. Turk Youngblood: The Pain on the Plain
- The Battle of Tipping Wooden
- Der Glaszten die Uchtengschtell
- The Clone Wars