Brighton, MA (AP) – After asking everyone in the room if they wanted to play cards and being roundly refused, two fat chicks decided to play a one-on-one game of “asshole” in the early hours of the morning at a party on Sutherland Road.

“Do you guys want to play asshole?” asked the fatter of the two, directing the question across the room, first at Chris Klinkow, then Mark Baumer, then Aaron Fix and finally Klinkow’s friend Nick. All four took no time in declining the offer.

Both Fix and Baumer weren't even sure "Asshole" was a real game. Klinkow believed it was but couldn't remember what the rules were.“She’s too fat,” said Nick. “Maybe if I was a lot more drunk I might have played, but really, what is the point? I might as well just stay at home if that’s how I’m going to spend my Saturday night.”

The two girls had looked painfully bored for most of the night. As soon as a Buckcherry song started playing on the host’s iPod, the girls decided to try to do something about that. The game was back and forth, lasting about ten minutes, spanning a Dispatch song, and ending during “Dance, Dance” by Fall Out Boy, at which point the police showed up to ask if the host would turn down the music. “Those are my three favorite songs,” declared the girl in black, who was not quite as fat as her opponent. “I was really in the zone.”

The fatter girl, however, was not in the zone, from her ill-timed attempt at inviting male participation into her game, to the extremely low cut red shirt that she wore to show off her absolutely enormous rack. “She kept leaning over to play her cards, and you couldn’t help but stare down her shirt,” remarked Fix. “It was like staring into a horse's ass. That sort of cleavage could swallow a man whole.”

Despite wearing such a flattering shirt, the girl in red was completely unable to achieve any positive male attention. “As big as they were, you couldn’t help but notice the rest of her,” said Baumer. “It was obvious by her body language, and the expression on her face, that she didn’t like to look at herself any more than we did.”

“It wasn’t a pretty sight” said another male party attendee. “How am I supposed to think she’s attractive when she obviously knows she isn’t, and shows it. When I saw her, I knew it was time to go home, jerk off and call it a night.”