I am an American teen. An American, zit faced, cheerleader-fucking,
homophobic,

weed-smoking-on-the-weekends,

driver-of-my-parents-best-car,

soon-to-be-the-most-famous-artist-in-the-world,

depressed-to-all-hell-about-boys,

depressed-to-all-hell-about-my-girlfriend-making-out-with-the-popular-band-geek-in-the-school-swimming-pool,

depressed-to-all-hell-about-my-father-saying-its-either-scholarship-or-iraq,

depressed-to-all-hell-about-my-dead-retarded-sister-and-about-my-bestfriend-hooking-up-with-my-number-one-crush,

(and when a girl sends a picture of her topless to the boy she likes then I'll
be sure to get my hands on it and send it to the rest of the school), (and when
my negro friend is feeling pretty good about himself I'll call him an overwight
present-day Magic Johnson), (and fuck it if this movie is about me, the American
teen, why even bother showing our stupid fucking teachers I mean all they're
going is preach and try and make it past the editing room because they really
believe they still have a chance to be famous even though they're 40 and the
only chance they'll ever have at fame is if they shoot some kind of mature
video of them testing their students)...yeah, I'm all these things. I'm
the present day entertainment hungry teen. I text message my book reports
to my teachers. If they don't get them it’s not my fault. You live
in America; learn to use a cell phone. And please don't cry if I break up
with you via text message. I'm probably already fucking someone else.
Don't call me. Do I really need to be there when you cry? I'm
going to Notre Dame faggots. My dad went there. I'm going to fuck
at least three football players. My mother told me what sorority to join.
The one that fucks the football players, but is still classy enough to
marry a well-respected, young rich Catholic boy. Mom, you can’t control my life. Dad, I’m not going to Iraq. And girls, I’m horny. I’m very horny. I play video games all day. I dream of being in love. If you don’t find me completely nauseating
then please contact me and I’ll fly you in and we can go to the prom together.