I’ve never been to Bruges. This movie doesn’t really make me want to go there either which isn’t a bad thing considering the one attractive girl you see in the town of Bruges is something of a scam. Yes, this movie is filled with a lot of things not to like—Colin Farrell trying to cry, a midget, unrealistic chase scenes, Ralph Fiennes, and that ubiquitous anorexic girl—but there is one thing this movie brings that I’ve never seen before and that alone makes it enjoyable. Cinematic genius comes in the form of a stupid ugly dog, uglier than anything ever seen onscreen (It is unfair to say the dog is stupid it gave no evidence that this was true. I was wrong to say it).

Before we get to the dog lets go over the weaknesses of the movie. To be fair, most of the things I mentioned above weren’t as bad as I made them out to be besides the Colin Farrell trying to cry thing.

For example, there was a valid reason for the midget to be in this movie which was nice for a change unlike most movies who just stick them in to get some cheap laughs. Let this be a warning, if you’re making a movie and decide to put in a dwarf just because you think it’s funny then your movie will probably not be good. This does not mean midgets aren’t funny. No, it has to do more with the fact that the Jackass movies have raised the bar to such a high level that anything else involving a midget comes off as a disappoint.

The unrealistic chase scenes, to give them a bit of credit, aren’t that unbelievable if movie audiences were a bit more grounded in reality. It really would be tough for one guy chasing another on foot to shoot him down even if they’re no more than fifty feet apart, but we’ve been bred as a movie audience to believe that anything short of a football field is within reach for even the most basic revolver.

For this role, Ralph Fiennes (Red Dragon and The English Patient) seems to have been given the simple instructions of saying, “Fuck” or some variation of the word at least three times for every time he blinks. This can get old, especially when he says it in the same manner: beginning softly and ending in a screaming tantrum resulting in him breaking the closest inanimate object, usually a phone. Luckily, the director noticed these tendencies and decided to stick in a nice scene between the Ralph’s character and this character’s wife.

The ubiquitous anorexic girl isn’t as bad as I’ve seen in some movies and though she deals drugs in this movie she reminds me less of a crack whore than most of the leading girls stuck in movies for the sole purpose of being the main character’s crush.

So what makes this movie watchable? It is nothing more than a seven or eight second clip with the ugliest dog you’ll ever see on camera. Its eyes are watering and pussing. There are missing patches of hair on its face. There is no reason for a dog this ugly to ever be in a movie, but there it is, sitting next to Colin Farrell on a bench. Farrell just sits there trying to act as the dog looks at him almost as if wondering what the two of them are doing there. And before you know it the scene is over, but it doesn’t matter happens next. The movie is already been made worthwhile. Feel free to leave at anytime. The midget dies.