Dear Lesley, I once offered to eat Michael Ian Black’s new book. I will not make the same offer to you. Oh well, you have to deal with it. You’re book is older than his. He never got back to me. Do you know Michael Ian Black? I would like it if you did. Tell him I will eat his book one page at a time (I will read each page front and back, then I will eat it). So, anyway…the diary nosebleed book. Never judge a book by its cover. I don’t know it feels right. I would like to judge your book so much by the cover that I punch myself in the face and give myself a bloody nose. Maybe that is the offer I will make to you. I will punch myself and give myself a bloody nose if you send me your book. I should make another offer. Hammers pound nails. I heard that today. I did not eat a hamburger, but I would have if you sent me your book. But this is a review right? Right. I was in the bookstore the other day and I saw your book and read it. I picked it up flipped the pages like I knew what I was doing. I think I’ve done it before. But really, this is a personal letter to you Ms. Afrin. Someone told me not to be a fan boy. Okay, listen I doubt your book offers a lot. I think I would rather punch everybody I went to elementary school with than read your book. Let’s think about that a bit. That means breaking into my old school and getting past records and then I have to track down all these people. Think how long that would take. It would take years. I would still rather do that than read your book. Bloodying my former classmates sounds like a good time. Better than anything I’ve done in the last five minutes. I haven’t done anything in the last five minutes except three pushups. I’m so weak. You could spit on me and I would fall over. That is a lie. I’m so strong. My former classmates better watch their backdoors when they go to sleep at night. So anyway Leslie send me your book to read. I’ll punch myself in the face. Also, I wanted to make some obscure reference to the Melvins, but I didn’t feel like opening up my melvins folder on the computer and pressing play so instead let me say that I once saw them and didn’t appreciate it. Also, if you watch the following video you’ll recognize something familiar at the end. Oh, the Melvins. You like right?