First, let me say that Adam Mansbach is not a pseudonym of mine. I sort of wish that it was. Alex Butzbach? Adam Mansbach? This guy is my soulmate. If I ever meet him, I’d like to ask Mr. Mansbach things about his life. If I apply logic to the differences in our names, I can conclude a lot about Mr. Mansbach. Our lives were probably quite similar, in strangely different ways. Thus, I will conclude that Adam Mansbach grew up in a mid-sized coastal city in the Eastern U.S., the oldest of two children whose father was a self-employed accountant and whose mother was a judge on said-unnamed-city’s 11^th Circuit of Appeals. Mr. Mansbach must surely be an amateur musician, with an interest in but little talent for visual art. Adam must certainly be goofily charming, though unsuccessful in interactions with the fairer gender. He also may often be mistaken for a Jew but in fact was brought up in the Baptist faith.

All that said, the latest contribution to literature Mr. Mansbach has put forth evinces from me disgust and rage. End of the Jews can best be described as Hitler’s wet dream. In fact, I feel that Hitler’s Wet Dream would make a far better title than End of the Jews. Believe me: I’ve read The Protocols of the Elders of Zion. I know what the Jews are up to. Media control, public funding for yarmulke factories and maneschevitz legislation are realities we must all live with. That doesn’t mean that I dislike them. In fact, power to the Jews.

This book should be called Hitler’s Wet Dream: Power to the Jews and Other Hebrew Tales to Tell in the Dark. I, for one, would have read this book as an eight-year-old if I had wanted to scare the shit out of myself. By the logic that I used to determine the nature of Adam Mansbach’s life, I’m probably now obligated to write a book of my own. It shall be called Ariel Sharon’s Nocturnal Emissions: You Go Girl Islam and Scheherazade’s Other Thousand Tales.

However, I digress. End of the Jews tells the story of twin brothers, born to a 14-year-old Israeli prostitute and given up for adoption separately in the United States. The directions their lives take have eerie parallels. Both Adam and Alex are adopted by fathers who are self-employed businessmen and mothers who are in the law profession. Both grow up in mid-sized cities on the East Coast and are goofily charming. Adam is an amateur musician with a passing interest in visual art, while Alex is an amateur artist with a passing interest in music. Adam has a secretary named Lincoln, while Alex has a secretary named Kennedy!

The two meet when, as young men they attend a support group for those gentiles who suffer from constantly being mistaken for Jews. Although first at odds with one another, they begin to sense their shared roots as well as their intertwined destiny. Realizing that they are, in fact Jewish (during a touching and heart-wrenching trip to Israel), they become heavily involved in Kaballah and put forth a compelling argument for peace in the Middle East.

Mr. Mansbach can write a pretty good story. However, End of the Jews isn’t one of them. Frederic’s Hostility was pretty damn entertaining, and no one can claim to be a bigger fan of Estuary Blues than I. The fact that those books weren’t even written by Adam Mansbach have little to do with my argument. I only know that he can write a pretty good story because I hacked his LiveJournal and read some of his Intro to Creative Writing work from freshman year at the prestigious New England Catholic University he necessarily must have attended. Man alive, was College Parties Suck Until I Met This Really Cool Unorthodox Girl Who Loved Everything About Me (And She Was Really Attractive and Funny and Ironic and Perfect) a great read!

If Adam Mansbach is reading this, please email me or leave a comment below. Though you may not realize it, you and I have a very important trip to the Promised Land to make. And a lot of growing up to do.

Together.