Hellboy 2 left a post it on the refrigerator to remind himself to wear sunglasses. He did not want people to know who he was. It was his birthday. He did not remember. A gilled man gave him an iPod and a birthday card. Hellboy 2 did not believe in MP3. He did not understand them. He once believed in Santa Claus. Then one day his father said Santa Claus died. Hellboy 2 cried. That was a long time ago. Still sometimes he would look up in the sky and wonder. He forgot his sunglasses when he left the house. George Michael’s grandfather was very upset. He no longer lived in the Bluth attic.

Some aliens from Men in Black II were begging for change. They accidentally ate the entire cast and crew for the show Sex and the City. The set for Godzilla, the one with Mathew Broderick, had been up for auction. Bidding started at eleven dollars. Rocksteady and Bebop, from Ninja Turtles II, were looking for work too. It was not a good time to be job hunting. The turtles themselves had filed for bankruptcy. They were living in Hellboy 2’s guest house.

“Come on guys,” said Hellboy 2, “I can get you a cameo. The audience would go crazy.”

Leonardo said it was beneath them to do cameos.

“We’ll just stick with what we’re doing,” he said. They did birthday parties to pay the bills and support Michelangelo’s coke habit. Last birthday party Michelango pissed in the family’s pool and then passed out into it. The other three were planning an intervention. Hellboy 2 couldn’t make it. He was on set. Hellboy 1 said he would be there, but would probably plan to have something come up. He’s already planned a cruise for that day with the money he got from DVD sales. Instead, he planned to cater the intervention with money he got from VHS sales.

Hellboy 2 forgot about the post it. George Michael’s grandfather kept calling and screaming at him. TMZ.com put up a picture of Hellboy 2 on their website next to a picture of Lindsay Lohan’s younger sister getting out of a car. She wasn’t wearing panties. Lindsay Lohan’s mom took the picture.

Hellboy 2 ended up trying to return the iPod at K-Mart. He was unsuccessful. He threw the iPod off his bedroom wall. It broke. He felt bad. He put what was left of it on eBay. Brendan Frasier won the auction for $2000. “I’m so hot right now,” he said to himself. He sent Hellboy 2 a message, “Hey, what about getting me into your movie, a cameo at the end or something. I want to be 2008’s version of the 2008 version of Robert Downey Jr. The Mummy 3 is my Ironman. Journey to the Center of the Earth is my Tropic Thunder. Hellboy 2 will be my Hulk cameo. Thanks for the iPod.”

Hellboy 2 did not respond. He did not send the iPod. Brendan Fraiser didn’t bother filing a claim against Hellboy 2 and still left a positive customer rating.