I don’t know a lot. So it doesn’t surprise me that I don’t know who Ryan Seacrest is. I don’t know who Dave Housley is either, but this seems a little more acceptable because no one’s ever told me Dave Housley is famous. I do know who Phil Housley is. My dad said he once saw Phil Housley at the grocery store buying cereal. My dad watched him picked up a box of Shredded Wheat. Our family’s been eating it ever since. I don’t really like Phil Housley as a result. I would have much rather my dad had seen Chris Chelios buying cereal. I bet he eats Frosted Flakes.

As for Dave Housley I bet he eats Cheerios in the morning.

And then he goes over to this Ryan Seacrest’s house and mows his lawn. While mowing his lawn Dave sees Ryan Seacrest eat something stupid like waffles. Some days he’ll come out on the front porch and say, “Hey Dave, great job. Keep it up buddy.” Whenever this happens Dave stops what he is doing and goes out back to piss in Ryan Seacrest’s pool.

Other times he goes into Ryan Seacrest’s woodshed and writes little poems. These poems or short stories have been collected into a book. I bet you don’t even need me to tell you the title of this book. I bet you already know what it is.