Elizabeth Ellen is a
writer. I think she dated Eminem or
wrote the script for 8-mile. I don’t
know. She wrote a book about how to own
pitbulls and be friendly to people who you have to deal with after your pitbull
eats their dog. I think every person who
has ever submitted a story online has had a crush on Elizabeth Ellen at some
point.  This is Elizabeth Ellen's two-minute mind:

"I can’t stop thinking about this stripper in Ypsi, which
makes me a sucker, like every other asshole who goes to a strip club and gets a
lap dance, I realize, but all the same, I can’t stop thinking about her. Don’t
get me wrong, it’s not like I’m in love with her. It’s not like that at all.
I’ve been to strip clubs before. I like to take people to them to watch their responses. Half the people I take are uncomfortable and half are
comfortable. Neither is a right or wrong response. I just like to know which.
The best strip club I ever went to was this one in Portland. I met another
stripper there who I liked a lot and couldn’t stop thinking about for a month
or two after. She came and sat at our table for a while and smoked a couple
cigarettes and told us about her kids and I wanted to kiss her and be bff’s. I
figured I’d end up babysitting a lot cause I really am a sucker, but I was okay
with that. But I don’t live in Portland, so it wasn’t an issue. But the cool
thing about that strip club was that they had a tank of piranhas and you could
pay a girl to feed them. The stripper I talked to said some guy once paid her
to stick her tits in there and move them back and forth across the top of the
water and she did it but she moved them really, super fast so she didn’t get
bit. I can’t remember how much he paid her but I think it was like a hundred
bucks. I didn’t have a hundred bucks on me but I wished I did cause I would
have liked to have seen that. The stripper at the club in Ypsi wasn’t as chatty
as the one in Portland. I mean, she was nice, she talked, but mostly she got
down to business. This is what made me uncomfortable. To be honest, I didn’t think
she’d take my tits out. That’s never happened before and it happened pretty
much right away once we were in the back, after she asked me if I really liked
girls or if my friends were just having fun with me. I told her somewhere in
between and she told me I could touch anywhere but under her panties. Another thing that made me uncomfortable about the situation was the
fact that I wasn’t wearing underwear. I had on this dress that was sort of
clingy. You can’t wear underwear under this dress. I tried. I put on three
different pair, but you could always tell so I took them off. I hadn’t planned
on getting a lap dance that night and even if I had, I wouldn’t have thought
she’d get down on her knees between mine and hike up my dress. Later I wanted
to compare notes with my friend who also got a lap dance but I didn’t want to
feel like I was bragging if she didn’t get her tits taken out or her dress
hiked. Also, it probably would have killed me if she had, which is the real
reason why I didn’t ask. Like I said, I’m just as much a sucker as the next
guy. The last thing the stripper said to me before I stood up and fixed my bra and straightened my dress was, “you’re
going to get me fired.” I wasn’t sure how to take that. You could take it a
couple of different ways, which is what I’ve been thinking about."