Thursday May 21, 2009

Dear Rachel,

Sometimes my friend Mark writes letters to his dog. His dog doesn't respond of course, but that doesn't really matter. The important thing is that Mark gets to say what he needs to say to his dog. I'm kind of like him and you're kind of like his dog. You don't respond to my letters either, and you probably can't even read. Maybe you chase your tail and sniff other dogs' butts. Maybe you clean your own genitals by licking them.

Sincerely,

Nick Punto

Wednesday May 20, 2009

Dear Rachel,

Today I peed in a cup and then handed my cup of urine to a lady that wanted to run some tests on it. Did you hand anyone a cup of your own urine today?

Sincerely,

Nick Punto

Tuesday May 19, 2009

Dear Rachel,

I'm moving to DC for the summer and leaving in less than two weeks. Assuming I pass my drug test tomorrow, I'll have a sweet internship and be living with some friends from back home. While I'm there, I'm going to challenge Obama to a game of basketball. I think he'd destroy me, but it would be fun even if I lost.

I'd also like to challenge you to a game of basketball if you'll accept. I think I would beat you pretty badly.

Sincerely,

Nick Punto

Monday May 18, 2009

Dear Rachel,

Last Friday I asked you to marry me. That was my 67th letter, and I thought maybe you were warming up to me. Maybe it was too soon? Not soon enough? All I know is that you're getting awfully close with this Josh Lucas character and I don't want to be left out in the cold.

The fact that you didn't respond doesn't worry me. Allie never responded to any of Noah's letters and look what happened. They died awkwardly together in a single nursing home/hospital bed. I can only hope to be so lucky.

Sincerely,

Nick Punto

Sunday May 17, 2009

Dear Rachel,

Last summer I made a list of movies that I should see with the help of some friends of mine who have actually seen a lot of movies. None of your movies were on the list, but maybe that's just because those guys aren't as big of Rachel McAdams fans as I am.

One of the movies on the list was The Departed. I watched that tonight, and it was pretty awesome. I think this is the first time I have ever seen Leonardo DiCaprio act. I never saw Titanic because it looked stupid, and I avoided him like the plague after he did that movie because I just assumed that everything else he would make would be just as stupid. Well, The Departed was not stupid. It was sweet.

Sincerely,

Nick Punto

Saturday May 16, 2009

Dear Rachel,

No matter what you did today it wasn't as cool as what I did, unless you took a flying trapeze class, in which case it was the same as what I did. I took a flying trapeze class.

Basically, the trapeze is like the monkey bars at a jungle gym, only they are moving. So when I tell people I hung upside down by my knees while swinging through the air and got caught by someone on another trapeze, all that means is that I did the exact same thing that we have all done on playgrounds when we were little, and then I reached out my hands and held hands with someone else. The only difference is I was moving, and high up on the air, and strapped into a safety harness, with a big net below me. Actually, when I describe it that way I can't tell if it is any cooler than just playing on a playground.

Sincerely,

Nick Punto

Friday May 15, 2009

Dear Rachel,

Will you marry me?

Sincerely,

Nick Punto

Thursday May 14, 2009

Dear Rachel,

My roommate and I have been getting pretty good at Mario Super Sluggers for the Nintendo Wii. We have now beaten the game on "pro". It's a lot of fun because I like baseball, and I like video games, and I like watching all the bizarre Nintendo characters play sports.

I would really, really like it if I could be you in a videogame. Most of your movies don't lend themselves to videogames, but maybe there could be one? If you could just do one action movie in which you kill a lot of people that would probably do the trick.

Please?

Sincerely,

Nick Punto

Wednesday May 13, 2009

Dear Rachel,

I think you're sort of unique in that you majored in theatre in college, and it actually worked out for you. My impression is that, typically, theatre majors have to move to New York after college, penniless, and go door-to-door begging every off-off-off-off-Broadway company for a small talking part, all the while waiting tables/panhandling/selling drugs/engaging in prostitution to make money on the side.

You might not know this but I'm a pretty damn good actor. Maybe you could hook me up with a part or something.

Sincerely,

Nick Punto

Tuesday May 12, 2009

Dear Rachel,

I saw on your environment-loving website greenissexy.org that you recommend that when people have ants in their kitchens, they should squirt lemon juice all over everything and that this will make the ants go away. This has the advantage that you're not spraying deadly chemicals like Raid around your kitchen.

Is this what you do? I'm serious here, I can't really see Rachel McAdams with her millions of dollars and big houses with cleaning ladies that don't really speak English going around her kitchen and squeezing lemons at ants. I just don't see it.

In the Economist there was recently (within the past couple of months anyways) a pretty awesome article about ants. They communicate by emitting chemicals if I remember right, and there are like 6 of these chemicals so I guess there are only 6 things they can say. I imagine they say things like "food is over there" or "this guy's dead, move him" or "your turn to have sex with the queen".

Sincerely,

Nick Punto

Monday May 11, 2009

Dear Rachel,

Would you please do something scandalous? Now that I'm on letter number 63, I would like nothing more than for you to get caught on tape hitting a little child, or using racial slurs to berate an old Asian hotel attendant, or getting ill-advised tattoos a lá Britney Spears. I think that, by this point, I am one of the world's foremost experts on Rachel McAdams. I'm pretty sure that if you did something shocking, my phone would be ringing off the hook with journalists asking for quotes and news networks requesting an on-air appearance. Your fall from grace could be my gravy train.

I'm working my ass off over here, throw me a bone.

Sincerely,

Nick Punto

Sunday May 10, 2009

Dear Rachel,

What are the most pancakes you have ever eaten in a sitting? Today I had 8. Obviously that's not a record for me, when I was little (circa 4th grade) I had 14-15 I believe, but as an adult with a less elastic stomach and less tolerance for heavy doses of sugar, I'd say 8 is pretty good.

It's been awhile since I have been involved in a good old-fashioned eating contest. That is something I think I'd enjoy. Maybe we could do that for our first date? I know people usually like to do something a little more dignified on the first date, and people might say it is a bad idea for me to be shirtless stuffing my face into a blueberry pie at a picnic table surrounded by a bunch of fat dudes, but I figure why wait? You're going to see me like this eventually, you might as well see it now.

Sincerely,

Nick Punto

Saturday May 9, 2009

Dear Rachel,

Do you get a lot of fan mail? It has always seemed kind of silly to me when people I know write letters to celebrities. Do they actually expect them to read the letters or, on the off-chance that they do read them, write a response? My conclusion is that most fan mail is written for the fan. So for every piece of mail you receive from some adoring fan, know that simply writing that letter gave the person some satisfaction or benefit. Maybe that will make you feel better about not reading the letters.

Also, I hope you don't think these letters I write to you are like "fan mail". We both know they are so much more than that.

Sincerely,

Nick Punto

Friday May 8, 2009

Dear Rachel,

You might have noticed that my letter to you yesterday was actually not addressed to you. I apologize for that. I just had something I wanted to say, and I thought I would use my position as a public figure that writes a letter to you every day in order to tell the world exactly how I felt.

Yesterday Manny Ramirez was suspended for 50 games due to steroid use. The only thing surprising about this news was the amount of people that acted surprised by this news. And yet everyone acted shocked and angry, and sportswriters across the nation instantly felt the need to write the same the same stories they had written about Barry Bonds, Rafael Palmerio, et al. Should Manny be in the hall of fame? Yes, just like those other guys, the fact that he did steroids did not make him any less famous. Should there be an asterisk by all of his records? Sure, I don't care. They'll be broken someday anyways, and it's not like everyone is going to forget that these guys did steroids when they read the record books.

Do movie stars do steroids? Would you have to give back your "best kiss" Oscar if it was found out that Ryan Goslinger was taking some sort of performance enhancing drugs? Would the Screen Actors Guild appeal any potential suspension? I don't care how many steroids you do, Rachel, but if you get suspended from movies I'm going to be pretty upset. Be smart.

Sincerely,

Nick Punto

Thursday May 7, 2009

Dear America,

All of your favorite athletes have done steroids. Get over it.

Sincerely,

Nick Punto

Wednesday May 6, 2009

Dear Rachel,

I want to travel. I've taken a few trips in the past couple of years (Peru, Honduras and Guatemala) but it's not enough. The problem is that 1 or 2 or 3 weeks is not enough time to experience a place in the way that I want to experience it. I need to spend months or years in a country, so I can relax and get to know a place rather than bouncing from city to city every one or two days trying to take as much in as I can.

Traveling is expensive, and that's where you come in. I figure you're pretty rich, so you could pay for me to spend summers or winters in the Caribbean. This doesn't have to be a completely on-sided deal though. I'll bring you back a souvenir or something. Better yet you could come with. I'd like traveling with you, as long as you're ok with me seeing other local girls wherever we go. I know you might not like that, but it would still be better than dating Josh Lucas.

Sincerely,

Nick Punto

Tuesday May 5, 2009

Dear Rachel,

I haven't seen State of Play. I don't really plan on seeing it in the theater; maybe I'll check it out on DVD sometime. I've noticed it has a pretty high rating on Rotten Tomatoes, so you've got to be pretty happy about that. Do movie stars even read rottentomatoes.com? I have no idea.

To be honest, I've only seen like three of your movies. I saw you in Wedding Crashers, then The Notebook, and then Mean Girls. All three are, in my humble opinion, outstanding cinematic achievements.

Of all the movies you have been in that I have not seen yet, the one I want to see the most by far is The Hot Chick. As far as I can tell, you and Rob Schneider somehow switch bodies in this movie. That's the kind of movie I can get into.

Sincerely,

Nick Punto

Monday May 4, 2009

Dear Rachel,

My friend Zack has an every day blog as well. His theme is IRONMAN training. However, he has only updated his blog 7 times in the last month. How does he expect to win with that sort of training ethic? I have no idea. I have been swimming, lifting weights, playing soccer, playing basketball, rock climbing and running barefoot for my training.

I've probably never told you about the IRONMAN. The IRONMAN is the most important day of the year, in which my friends and I get together and play sports all day and crown a winner at the end of the day. The winner then keeps the "IRONMAN CHAMPION" trophy for a year, until it comes time to defend that trophy the following summer.

I own the titles IRONMAN I and IRONMAN VI. Last summer was the 6th IRONMAN, making me the current IRONMAN and the only two-time winner. Thus it is up to me to defend my title this summer. I'm not too worried about it. I don't really expect to win, no one has ever defended their IRONMAN title. In fact, the defending champion usually has a pretty tough day as everyone is gunning for them. I am just going to try not to get as tired/hurt/sick as last year so I can fully enjoy the post-IRONMAN festivities.

Sincerely,

Nick Punto

Sunday May 3, 2009

Dear Rachel,

Have I ever told you that my fantasy baseball team is named after you? That's right, the Brighton Rachel McAdams are now in their 3rd or 4th season (I can't really remember). Your team isn't that great, but not that bad either. Traditionally, you have had strong starting pitching (Johan Santana has been on the roster each year) but shakey relief pitching and only so-so offense. So far, our offseason trade for Ian Kinsler and the late draft pick we spent on Travis Hafner have worked out. Drafting Geovany Soto and Conor Jackson have paid less dividends.

You probably don't know what fantasy baseball is. In fact, you might not even know what real baseball is, since you're Canadian. Canadians probably play cricket or something. Sure, you're dating an American, but it's Josh Lucas. He probably never takes you to baseball games because he's not man enough to like the game himself. I bet he just plays tennis or golf or something.

Sincerely,

Nick Punto

Saturday May 2, 2009

Dear Rachel,

Today was Farooq's going away party. We played 4-square. When's the last time you played 4-square? Probably too long ago. I was in the same boat until today. What I had forgotten about this game is that the King or Leader gets to make up rules each round, like "can't use your hands" or "everyone has to hop on one foot".

If we were playing 4-square, and I was the King/Leader, I would make a rule that all contestants that are dating Josh Lucas have to break up with him. You'd have no choice. You wouldn't want to be called a cheater, would you?

Sincerely,

Nick Punto

Friday May 1, 2009

Dear Rachel,

Have you ever sold T-shirts outside of the Garden after a Bruins playoff win? If not, you haven't lived. The rush of people out the door is like an abrupt closing of the largest bar in the history of Boston. Everyone is happy and drunk and in a fighting mood. To make things even better, there are a bunch of other T-shirt vendors in the area jockeying for position, and the cops come out and tell everyone to take their stuff off of the property. What follows is a mad rush across the street (Ray Borque Way) to grab the best spot on the sidewalk, all the while peddling shirts to loud, obnoxious Bruins fans that just can't wait to give me money for T-shirts that say things like LUCIC CREW and ASSKICKER.

God bless America.

Sincerely,

Nick Punto

Thursday April 30, 2009

Dear Rachel,

My friend Farooq is going home to Pakistan next week. He is planning on coming back to Boston next fall, but no one really feels sure that it will happen. He is getting married this summer in Pakistan and working at the central bank; those are two big reasons to stay there. And of course, it's never a sure thing that there won't be any visa complications.

But at this point, I'm getting worried that I won't ever see him again because his country will be over-run by militants. I know Farooq would go down swinging, but that's not much consolation. Farooq isn't much of a shaver, and he doesn't eat drink or eat pork, but he wouldn't really be into living under Shariah either. He cares about his country a lot and he really doesn't want the Taliban to take over.

I hope he's ok over there. His friends in the US will be thinking about him all summer. Rachel, if you want to say a little prayer for him and his family, I think he'd appreciate it.

Sincerely,

Nick Punto

Wednesday April 29, 2009

Dear Rachel,

Do you know what victory tastes like? As of tonight, I do. Tonight my ultimate Frisbee team won the Boston College intramural championship. We had to play three games in one night to win, and we beat some pretty good players, most of whom play for the BC club team. Everyone on my team is a PhD student, most of us in the Economics department. It's a lot of fun to beat undergraduates.

By the way, victory tastes like 8 or 9 of us getting to Bluestone at 11:00 PM and ordering 4 pizzas and 5 pitchers of beer. And it tastes even better when sampled from a "Boston College Sports Champion" mug, which along with a T-shirt was our reward for a convincing 3 point victory in the finals.

I have now achieved everything I need to achieve at Boston College. If I end up with a PhD, even better. But I don't need it. Not after this.

Sincerely,

Nick Punto

Tuesday April 28, 2009

Dear Rachel,

Are you worried about the swine flu? A lot of people seem afraid to do things like breath or travel or go outside because some disease exists in another part of the world that has not proved to be very deadly yet. That's not to say it shouldn't be cured, but it seems to me that the WHO is doing everything right so far. Even in Mexico where the disease is the worst, I doubt it has overtaken drug gangs as the biggest killer in the country.

My roommates and I have a sweet game called "Pandemic" in which we have to save the world from outbreaks of deadly diseases. I've told you about it before. I'm hoping we'll be able to buy a "swine flu" expansion soon.

I hope you don't have swine flu.

Sincerely,

Nick Punto 

Monday April 27, 2009

Dear Rachel,

On your website www.greenissexy.org you have a section called "tips for guys" in which you recommend an "energy-less date". Basically, you suggest an idea for a date which is having a raw, candle lit dinner followed by playing some sort of game. Now, putting aside the obvious difficulty of finding a girl that is interested in eating a bunch of food that he didn't cook (and no one else did either), I have trouble understanding how the average guy is supposed to get excited about playing War, Apples-to-Apples or Charades. Maybe Josh Lucas would be into that. I sure wouldn't.

Maybe you've heard of a little game called Settlers of Catan? What about Pandemic (a game that I think everyone should play given the recent swine flu talk)? If you're not up to th intellectual challenge of one of these new-fangled, amazing, award-winning board games, why not stick with something non-shitty like chess?

Seriously, come over to my house and play some of our board and card games. Next time you play Monopoly or Gin Rummy it will feel like the intellectual equivalent of hitting yourself in the head repeatedly.

Sincerely,

Nick Punto

[ed.'s note: This is a video of the greatest shot I've ever seen, by Mr. Rider. Also, the top picture is Travis Outlaw, not Mr. Rider. I did a google search for, "J.R. Rider dunk" and got this picture.]

Sunday April 26, 2009

Dear Rachel,

Tonight I made the best trade of my life. I saw some kid walking by me with a mid-90's era Minnesota Timberwolves J.R. Rider jersey and offered him a couple of shirts as a trade. Holy crap this thing is awesome. He wasn't wearing a shirt underneath it, though, so I'm going to wash it before I wear it or I might get swine flu.

Here's hoping you don't get swine flu.

Sincerely,

Nick Punto

Saturday April 25, 2009

Dear Rachel,

Today I won my first game of 3-person Agricola. I know that means nothing to you, and probably to just about anyone reading this, but it's a pretty big triumph for me. I think I had won a single game of Agricola in my life playing against one of my roommates, but yesterday I beat both of them.

Agricola is a game in which you play the role of a family that has to do things like plow and sew fields, build fences, accumulate livestock and eat every day. There is a lot to keep track of, and usually I have found it to be too much to think about. I end up losing points at the end of the game for not having enough sheep or something like that. But not today. Today I had enough sheep, and cattle, and boar. I used my farm to its maximum potential.

I hope you're using your farm to its maximum potential.

Sincerely,

Nick Punto

Friday April 24, 2009

Dear Rachel,

I ran barefoot! I came home from school a little early and put on my running stuff except for the shoes, and just went running. It was weird at first walking out of my house without shoes, but once I started running it was fine. I didn't go very far, maybe a mile and a half because I wanted to go easy on my feet, but I think it was a success. I'll try to go a little further next time.

Speaking of running, I'll be running a relay in New Hampshire with some professors and grad students in my department next fall. I'm hoping by then I'll be comfortable running a race barefoot.

If you haven't tried running barefoot, I suggest you try it. If you put a picture of yourself running barefoot on that website, I bet a lot of other people would do it too. Actually, those people would probably try just about anything you tried. You should put up a picture of you running barefoot wearing snow pants and a blindfold. Then see how many people around LA are running barefoot wearing snow pants and a blindfold the next day.

Sincerely,

Nick Punto

Thursday April 23, 2009

Dear Rachel,

I read that you think Ben Affleck would be a good politician. I'm wondering why you think so. The things that I know about Ben Affleck are the following: he loves poker, he was in Mallrats and he loves Boston sports. This sounds a lot like the douche bags who usually buy our T shirts, except that he was in Mallrats.

In order to be completely fair, I read a little more about him. It turns out he is against gun control and did not vote in the 2000 presidential election, although one time he did visit a Navy ship for some reason. He also messed up his relationship with J-Lo by going to strip clubs and has a few tattoos (I'm sure they are terrible).

In conclusion, I think I've learned enough about this guy to confidently say he is not Washington material. Maybe this sort of clown could hack it as a politician in Canada, but not the good old US of A.

Sincerely,

Nick Punto

Wednesday April 22, 2009

Dear Rachel,

Lately, I have been covering the topic of international trade in my class. This is a pretty interesting topic, and today is only day two of three whole days I'm spending on it. How do you feel about free trade/globalization? Most people seem to come up with reasons not to like it, and I guess there are plenty. A lot of Americans are concerned about losing jobs; others are worried about sweatshops and health regulations in poor countries and things like that. I think these concerns make for pretty strange bedfellows; people who don't pretend to care about anyone but Americans and their jobs, and people who profess to be concerned about people in developing countries, both fighting for the same things.

I don't want to speak for you, in fact I'd really like it if you would reply, but you probably won't so I'm going to engage in some unfounded speculation about what your views about trade/globalization might be. I would put you in the "caring about people in developing countries" camp, but also in the "caring about the environment"camp. You probably think the US should sign the Kyoto Protocol and take a leadership role in reducing greenhouse gas emissions, and I couldn't agree with you more. But this might also make you opposed to the idea of us importing a lot from countries without strict pollution standards, or allowing US companies to locate overseas in these countries.

I think that we should import from these countries. Contrary to what a lot of people seem to think, the US can ensure that production abroad happens relatively cleanly. In previous rounds of GATT and WTO negotiations, the US has given up so little that all we would have to do is get rid of our agricultural subsidies and developing countries would be lining up to trade with us, even with the precondition that they set some emissions standards or make some binding commitment under Kyoto. This would also decrease the size of our very inefficient (and polluting) domestic agricultural industry. It's win-win-win-win-win, except for all of the US farmers that get paid hundreds of thousands of dollars each year from the government to make crops and then dump them in poor countries' markets, depressing prices there and contributing to poverty in those countries.

Sincerely,

Nick Punto