A.J. Pacitti is the founder of life inside her mother's womb, maybe.  She might be the youngest child in the family.  I don't know.   I probably should know.  She wrote this recently.  I asked her a few personal questions about her family.  She was nice enough to answer them.

AJ Pacitti: no.

AJ Pacitti: Joyce Pacitti, my mother, is an ex-guidance counselor turned homemaker. She likes to make waffles. She hates roller coasters. And Keanu Reeves.

AJ Pacitti: My dad does not fly helacopters at sunset. He flies helicopters at sunset; two remote control helicopters -- one of which my mom gifted him for Christmas, and one he purchased as a backup helicopter. Both are black. The sun sets in front of our home, and he frequently watches this sunset and it is possible that he has flown these helicopters while doing so.

---------------

J.A. Tyler has written a lot of stories.  He recently wrote one for Thieves Jargon. This is his interview:

j.a. tyler: no, but the blue is rampant here, where I live, outside of what is my house.

j.a. tyler: I was six and the penguins were afraid of my dad, they saw him chucking quarters to the sea lions and how they ate them and died with piggy banks in their stomachs.

j.a. tyler: Nope, my dad is a righteous mixture of the gnome on the right and the two mustaches on the left.

Brian Oliu: No. But it might be my house in the future. And by the future I mean
'The Future', not 'the future'.

Brian Oliu: There's a good chance. He wore a powder blue tuxedo to match my mom's
blue and green dress, so he was obviously all about color
coordination. However, I'm not aware of too many blue sodas existing
in the late 1970s as Mountain Dew Baja Blast was not invented yet and
is also a Taco Bell exclusive. I, however, drank soda at my prom, and
my dad is my hero, so I probably wanted to be like him subconsciously,
so, yes, he drank soda at the prom.

Brian Oliu: From left to right: yes, no, yes, no. My grandfather died young. My
grandmother loves public transportation.

---

Brian Oliu is the president or something of the University of Alabama English Department Football League.

Shane Jones: Nope. Sorry.

Shane Jones: Yes!

Shane Jones: (No reply)

Shane Jones: i'm sorry. it takes me father a long time to return my phone calls. he said, "of course I know some garbage trucks have two steering wheels" and hung up on me.

when i was a kid and adults always asked "what do you want to be when you grow up?" and other kids said things like a doctor, a cop, a teacher, i said that i wanted to be a garbage man, the "one that rides on the back."

now when i see the garbage man riding on the back i think i was terribly wrong as a child.

---

Shane Jones has a blog and a book.

Adam Moorad wrote a story.  I read it.  Then I asked him some questions.

Adam Moorad: no, that's not my house. it's a very nice house though. i very much like that house. thank you very much for sending that house to me.

Adam Moorad: yes. that is my dad.

Adam Moorad: can't tell. i have to see inside.

Sam Pink: yes that is my house and that is where i shave my legs

Sam Pink: yes he is my dad. we are good friends

Sam Pink: yes that is me just enjoying a day outside isn't it nice i think it's nice.

Sam Pink: yes, the toy factory is where tinfoil is fashioned into nosehair and sewn into my face

Sam Pink: yes, my dad will be nice to me at a moderately expensive dinner place and then plow me in a basement

Sam Pink: yes, i am two dimensional because my feelings are always hurt real bad like war movie bad.

---------------

Sam Pink wrote a book called I AM GOING TO CLONE MYSELF THEN KILL THE CLONE AND EAT IT.  He has a blog.

Is this your house?

"That is my house, was my house, kind of still is my house due to this economy. After a serious of interesting investments that left me in a situation most would refer to as a deep dirty pickle I moved into the house you now see. Now don't scoff at it, better houses have been built but what it lacks it makes up for in the sheer fact that is looks nothing like a house, but that is what drew me to it. As well as the very cheap rate at which I bought it. There is a door but it is covered up by the stop light and let me say the place is more spacious than you would think for being a billboard sign looking house. The kitchen has three stoves it has one and three-quarters bath and a living room three overfed horses could stand and live in. No bedroom though, but who cares when your living room is so large. I have since moved on from that living situation, as is expected one your life changes from a deep dirty pickle to a bad cup of instant coffee. But I still own that place. If you know anyone who would like to by it please contact me. Selling homes that don't look like homes is what makes this country great."

-Matthew DeBenedictis

Roy Kesey was China
then Peru then USA. I am jealous that he
is China then Peru then USA. I wish I
could be in China then Peru then USA. I
am only USA then USA then USA. Roy Kesey
is on paper too. He has many papers and
they are put in a binder. He has a few binders
full of his pages. One of them has 152
pages. It is called ALL OVER. If you are in China then Peru then USA you
should say hello to Roy Kesey. This is
his two-minute mind:

“Bed. Bed bed bed we do not have a bed but need a bed.
Fucking air mattress stupid fucking air mattress fucking uncomfortable we need
a bed. Craigslist love hate unsure. Kids' beds okay school okay house okay jeep
okay no bed no job. Bikes okay no silverware. Plastic silverware. Washing
plastic silverware each night as if silver silverware but also out the window a
squirrel and that is nice. New for us. New squirrels. Nice squirrels. Sheets
okay towels okay no lawnmower. The landlord will rent us a lawnmower. Rent not
lend us a lawnmower! Utilities okay. No job. Okay. A job soon but no bed no kids'
soccer team call on kids' soccer teams call on job call on bed call on bed call
on bed call on bed until we have a bed and then okay.”

Elizabeth Ellen is a
writer. I think she dated Eminem or
wrote the script for 8-mile. I don’t
know. She wrote a book about how to own
pitbulls and be friendly to people who you have to deal with after your pitbull
eats their dog. I think every person who
has ever submitted a story online has had a crush on Elizabeth Ellen at some
point.  This is Elizabeth Ellen's two-minute mind:

"I can’t stop thinking about this stripper in Ypsi, which
makes me a sucker, like every other asshole who goes to a strip club and gets a
lap dance, I realize, but all the same, I can’t stop thinking about her. Don’t
get me wrong, it’s not like I’m in love with her. It’s not like that at all.
I’ve been to strip clubs before. I like to take people to them to watch their responses. Half the people I take are uncomfortable and half are
comfortable. Neither is a right or wrong response. I just like to know which.
The best strip club I ever went to was this one in Portland. I met another
stripper there who I liked a lot and couldn’t stop thinking about for a month
or two after. She came and sat at our table for a while and smoked a couple
cigarettes and told us about her kids and I wanted to kiss her and be bff’s. I
figured I’d end up babysitting a lot cause I really am a sucker, but I was okay
with that. But I don’t live in Portland, so it wasn’t an issue. But the cool
thing about that strip club was that they had a tank of piranhas and you could
pay a girl to feed them. The stripper I talked to said some guy once paid her
to stick her tits in there and move them back and forth across the top of the
water and she did it but she moved them really, super fast so she didn’t get
bit. I can’t remember how much he paid her but I think it was like a hundred
bucks. I didn’t have a hundred bucks on me but I wished I did cause I would
have liked to have seen that. The stripper at the club in Ypsi wasn’t as chatty
as the one in Portland. I mean, she was nice, she talked, but mostly she got
down to business. This is what made me uncomfortable. To be honest, I didn’t think
she’d take my tits out. That’s never happened before and it happened pretty
much right away once we were in the back, after she asked me if I really liked
girls or if my friends were just having fun with me. I told her somewhere in
between and she told me I could touch anywhere but under her panties. Another thing that made me uncomfortable about the situation was the
fact that I wasn’t wearing underwear. I had on this dress that was sort of
clingy. You can’t wear underwear under this dress. I tried. I put on three
different pair, but you could always tell so I took them off. I hadn’t planned
on getting a lap dance that night and even if I had, I wouldn’t have thought
she’d get down on her knees between mine and hike up my dress. Later I wanted
to compare notes with my friend who also got a lap dance but I didn’t want to
feel like I was bragging if she didn’t get her tits taken out or her dress
hiked. Also, it probably would have killed me if she had, which is the real
reason why I didn’t ask. Like I said, I’m just as much a sucker as the next
guy. The last thing the stripper said to me before I stood up and fixed my bra and straightened my dress was, “you’re
going to get me fired.” I wasn’t sure how to take that. You could take it a
couple of different ways, which is what I’ve been thinking about."

Jereme Dean lives in
an old people home. He eats frosted
flakes out of a bonsai bowl. His head is
very ordinary, but once someone said, “Hey, Jereme has a weird head huh?” So there is that. He also has a nice blog. This is his two-minute mind:

Matthew Savoca does not own his own cookie company. He does not own gay birds. Maybe he does. Someone was talking about homosexuality on
college campuses which made me think about gay birds when I was supposed to be
trying to think about Matthew Savoca’s bio. The following is Matthew Savoca’s two-minute mind:

I recently interviewed Rainn Wilson of Dwight Schrute fame and
I asked him to trust me and offer up the thoughts of his mind. I asked if he could close his eyes and
describe what popped into his head. We
were at the restaurant Moo… in Boston. This is what Mr. Wilson said:

Spencer Dew is one of the best the internet literary scene has to offer. He's been published in Juked, The 2nd Hand, and Thieves Jargon, among others. His book Songs of Insurgency just came out in 2008.

Everyday Yeah: Let’s
do an interview?

Spencer Dew: I'd love to do an interview, absolutely…And
thanks for the nice review.

So, how did Chicago
become a literary hotbed? How did you get roped in to the whole thing?

Mark, Sorry this took me so long; I was out of town, reading
in Louisville.

Chicago is Ben Hecht's city, Nelson Algren's, the city of
Studs Terkel -- if you know Liz Armstrong's tongue-to-socket columns for the
old Chicago Reader or Joe Meno's trick-with-lighter prose, you get a sense for
a real literary lineage to this place. The slant of those diagonals
through the urban grid, the mix of industry and the
cosmopolitan, subterranean spider-holes like the Billy Goat, and the weird
mythology of hard scrabble and hard luck -- there's a distinct flavor here in
this beneficent dictatorship on the lake. It's also simply a good place
to live, to get by, and that always makes a difference when it comes to artists
making art. I'd say, too, that Chicago's core working-class ethos gives
birth to writers who work like hell, who cook with five pots going -- novelists
who are also critics (I'm thinking of the great Gillian Flynn) or who are also
journalists, photographers, painters, philosophers (and I mean this in a
credentialed sense, thinking of my friend and mentor Jeremy Biles) or
performers (as far as "hotbed" goes, the best "scene" I've
seen in town is the new "Quickies" reading series, at Innertown Pub,
run by the impressive-as-hell duo of Mary Hamilton and Lindsay Hunter).

How'd I get roped into the "scene" here?
Through Jeb Gleason-Allured and Todd Dills of THE2NDHAND, who invited me to
represent their journal at the Museum of Contemporary Art's "Literary
Gangs of Chicago" reading series, through the hustling, hyperkinetic Nick
Ostdick of Ragad, who's had me out to read repeatedly, and through an
invitation to do a reading for Jessa Crispin's top-notch "Bookslut Reading
Series."

I should also wedge in a shout-out to the folks at
Literago.org, an organization that's done a hell of a lot to suggest a
"scene" or twenty at play in this city, plus raising the profile of
literary events writ large.

No need to feel
pressure to answer these questions. When you get to them you get to them.
I'm curious how the weekend in Louisville went. Best food you ate?
Worst food? Creepy people you met traveling? Good conversations you
had along the way? Unnecessary things you packed? How many times
you changed your socks (I only ask this because I haven't changed my socks in
three days and I'm starting to get worried because they don't smell)?
Basically, I'm just curious to hear your views on Louisville.

There was a lot of bad food, to be honest. One very
nice hotel bar. I changed socks daily, twice daily on the days I went
running. I packed nothing unneccessary, though I brought along
a copy of the Oxford American that contained a number of unneccessary
pages. I attended a surprise birthday party for my mother, who does not
live in Louisville. The last time I was in Louisville, my father was
having sections of his spine fused together and metal bars implanted.
Louisville is a pleasant town, and the staff at Carmichael's bookstore were
extremely friendly and nice. I met up briefly with Louisville writer
Jason Jordan, author of "Powering the Devil's Circus." There
were lots of Hunter S Thompson bumperstickers for sale. Everyone seemed
excited about Big Brown.

I was browsing some
of your bios on various lit sites and came across this one at Pindeldyboz:
Spencer Dew lives in Chicago, where he studies rabbinic conceptions of
language, text, and identity. He also works at the writing and assembling of
novels.
Can you talk a little about your interest in studying rabbinic
literature. Also, how's the novel assemblage going?

"The writing and assembling of novels"?
That's a nice phrase.

And, yes, I'm interested in midrash, Talmud, in rabbinic interpretation
and commentary in general, how such texts function, the seriousness and
playfulness with which they treat their task. One figure I find
fascinating, a Kabbalistic fellow, a mystic in the city of Safed, in the 15th
century, Hayyim Vital, he's driven, in part -- and tortured by, really -- this
concern, this anxiety, that maybe, perhaps, he's the messiah, or maybe he's
here to immediately prepare the way for the messiah. I mean, this is a
man of radical piety, living in a radically pious community, and the messianic
expectation is there, is present, and he thinks, wow, this is really a
consideration... So what does he do? I mean, he's in a situation
where EVERYTHING could be significant, could SIGNIFY. So all of his
dreams, right, and everything he sees and experiences during the day, and,
ultimately, the dreams of OTHER people -- in his case, of gentiles, of Muslims,
Christians, women, strangers -- all of these things need to be studied,
interpreted, examined. He's worn out by it, obviously, it's a white-heat
sort of existence. But fascinating as an example of what it means to take
the act of reading utterly seriously, right? The Christian Church Fathers
had a similar approach, the idea that God, as author of the world, left God's
mark on everything, that a grub or a fallen leaf or whatnot could be read back
as relating to its creation and Creator... This is a long way from what
you asked me, I understand, but it's worth mentioning, this hyper-significance,
the idea that everything can be approached as having a meaning, however inscrutable
or covert... It's an idea I play with frequently in my fiction, I
think. There's an awareness of mystery and awe and the sheer scope of
things in such an attitude.

Spencer, I apologize
it's taken me so long to get back to you. I've been away.
Unfortunately it was only New Hampshire and not Louisiana. It was a
barbeque not a book talk. Oh well.
Okay, sorry to get really off topic, but Indiana Jones opened this weekend and
now you may not be the type to run to the theater on opening weekend, but your
previous answer with all its religious talk vaguely reminded me of the first
three Indiana Jones movies. So if you've seen it, what was your reaction
to it?
If you haven't seen it then what was your favorite movie as a child and what
movie had the greatest effect or influence on you?

I haven't seen it, no, though the earlier ones certainly had
an effect on me, as a child, sure.

Yeah, I'm not quite
sure what I was thinking with that question. It probably would have been
best to ask about what books you've been reading lately (anything good?) or
something like, when you finish a book do you ever have the desire to read it
front to back again? Do you have any desire to read it at all (aside from
book talks)? If you were in a band would you listen to your own band's
music?

Well, I'm working on a couple of projects, criticism or
something like it, on Adrian Tomine, whose work was hugely influential on me,
an extraordinarily clever, really real writer, and also on Zora Neal Hurston,
who is such an absolute powerhouse when it comes to voice, this
ultra-confident, barbed and honey-dripping voice that saunters around
proclaiming. She's got an essay, from 1928, "How it Feels to be
Colored Me," which, among other things, has a description of jazz, of
being at a jazz club, of responding, in this wildly hyperbolically yet
viscerally accurate way… Well, she's a writer who, as she says rather
dismissively of someone else, "knows her way among words."
Tomine, of course, deals in situations, in subtleties; he's an artist who deals
as much in the absence of words, in slant glances and slight wrinkles around
the eyes, as he does in explicit statements. He can convey incredible
tension, and the trajectory of it, the slide from banal domestic scene to
relationship catastrophe, in a matter of, like, five panels, three inanimate
objects, and a couple of interrupted statements.

As far as my work, it's written very much for performance,
and I do, more or less, by and large, enjoy performing it, at least certain
pieces, at certain times. I can't see myself sitting down and reading the
book from start to finish, but I think listening to performances has its own
value, just in terms of performing better, ironing out the kinks.

And I didn't mean to blow off your previous question, it's
just that there's so much to say, really, about the representations of religion
in those earlier movies, both of Judaism and Hinduism, and the use of the
Nazis, etc. I wrote an essay a few years back about movies using Nazis,
the risks of that, taking actual historical horror and making it into a kind of
cartoon, a hyperbole. I'm a little divided on it, frankly. The
second, not-so-good movie is an example of even more of an issue, I think,
because it has these absurd images of "India" and "Indians"
and this crazy take on Kali worship, the Thugee cult, all that. And I say
this because, one, the logic is just a little weird – Nazis chasing down sacred
relics makes sense for an adventure plot in a way that people worshipping a
goddess that people always worship just doesn't – and because I know from my
own experience, of being a kid from Kentucky who went to India for studies back
in, what, 1995, that people would always ask, "Oh, did you eat snake
surprise? Did you have monkey brains?" and that's just crazy, it
makes no sense… It would have been such a better movie, and more in line
with the other two, if it had been more serious in its premise. We go,
you know, from the Holy Ark hunted by Nazis to the Cup of Christ, likewise with
the Nazis all after it, and then in the middle there's this cheap pastiche
cabaret show, but it's not as sophisticated as a cartoon, even. Bugs
Bunny and the Thugee cult would have had better laughs, better chills, and a
more frighteningly realistic treatment of the human slave diabolism thing.

I should also say, in terms of me thinking about these
things, I had a roommate, in college, who was only – or was at least primarily
– an archaeology student for that reason, because of those Indiana Jones
films. He quoted them a lot, which maybe makes him sound silly, but the
thing was he was a deadly serious archaeologist, spending all his summers
covered in dirt over in Cyprus or some place, digging with a toothbrush or
whatever they use. But then he would quote the movies all the time.
He was a good man, and his situation always seemed to be to me so
understandable, just a slight exaggeration of how it is for all of us, how
these sort of cultural mythologies work.

I must say it is a
treat to read through your answers. I'm not just saying this. It
really is enjoyable to read what you write. I know it probably makes you
blush and say "aww shucks," but after seeing a few of the above
responses I'm starting to believe you've got that knack to take just about any
subject and make it interesting. I'm almost tempted to throw out various
random objects and ideas just to hear your thoughts on them. Okay I will,
but feel free to pass on the bait: snack packs, Richard Wright, the fact that
if you google 'giraffe' the first thing that pops up is an image of two
giraffes humping, and Diane Lane.

Mostly though I'm
interested at the timetable for these various projects you mentioned. I
know it can kind of be a cruel thing to ask a writer what he's working on and
then ask when his next book is coming out (especially when he just put one
out), but it's always nice to have a general idea. And hopefully you're
not the type to have five year dry spells in between works, but if you are then
at least I'll be able to brace myself somewhat.

"Amorous giraffes," the caption says. That's
likely inaccurate use of language. Speculative, at least, imposing
whatever specifically human thing "amorous" means. I'll pass on
Richard Wright and Diane Lane, though I will reference "Ladies and
Gentlemen, the Fabulous Stains," a movie worth seeing. One thing I'm
working with, an image or factoid floating around, is how there are these new
masses mid-Pacific, archipelagos of plastic trash, and how these new detritus
islands are altering ecosystems, becoming nesting sites for birds, shark
grounds, etc. I mean, there's your snack packs, no?

I'm working on a book, yes, a novel-in-stories, about a slew
of things, and I'm working on nonfiction projects, mainly this treatment of
Kathy Acker's novels, a reading of what I see as a pedagogical mode within her
texts, teaching her readers how to read, how reading and writing relate to the
larger revolutionary political struggle she wants us to undertake, bringing
about new human relations, a better world, etc. But, yes, I hope I don't
have a five-year dry spell, either.

Switching gears a
little, I'm curious about your thoughts on myspace. It seems you're
reluctant to have a page, but probably feel forced to do the whole social
networking thing. Do you have any guilty pleasures that you'd care to
share? Also, on a similar note how much time a week would you say you
devote to your internet persona?

Well, sure, reluctant. I devote about probably ten
minutes a month to my scabby MySpace page, which pretty much just links to my
real website, and my sparse Facebook page, the difference being that my
Facebook "friends" are people I actually know and my MySpace
"friends" are dead writers or people who self identify as
vampires. I think there are contexts in which social networking sites
probably work wonders, but I think MySpace is pretty ghetto and much of
Facebook is consumed with cutsie pet eggs and quiz games. So, neither is
a place for me, though obviously there is an impressive potential to spread the
word about your book or your band or your cd, which is why I opened such pages
in the first place.

As you probably know
the cutsie pet eggs and quiz games of facebook have taken over academia for the
most part. The landscape of our institutions seem to have drastically
changed in the last ten years. Everyone has cell phones that chat, text,
and take pictures. Contact is easier. Hooking up seems
easier. You graduated in the late 90's when probably everyone still had
phone lines in their dorm rooms. Did you have a specific routine for
hooking up? Actually, I now realize this is kind of a stupid
question. Not much has probably changed when you really think about
it. Alcohol is still the number one motivator for sexual exchanges.

Did you have an email address when you went to college?

I was in undergrad for three years, the middle year of
which, '95/'96, I was in India. When I came back to the states, there
were ads on television with web addresses. I'm not sure that I ever used
either the internet or email before college, but, yes, had an address by my
freshman year, and was introduced to not only the idea of internet porn but,
specifically, animated porn involving bestiality, rape, and extreme forms of
violence, which I mention because the capacity of this technology to convey,
propagate, and shape specific fantasies and kinds of thinking is of interest to
me -- and plays a role in my book, specifically the story "After Art
School," which began as an essay on disturbing visual subtexts in internet
porn, on the idea of doing actual close reading of these images, which reveals
not only cultural information about the audience, their demands, but also the
means of production, which, when it comes to porn, is frightening. To
return to your question, in college there was also some sort of technology by
which people could do the equivalent of instant messaging, across campus, each
dorm having a server, each machine existing as an alias which could be changed
at random. I could probably say more about that, the sort of
proto-technology of it, the risks and masquerades, or early IRC systems,
etc. The changes brought about by what Kathy Acker called, long ago,
"the Net Age" are massive. I think, for instance, of how hard
it was to obtain information or, specifically, certain books, or even the
knowledge that certain books existed, when I grew up, in small town
Kentucky. At the same time, "the Net Age" allows us to easily
access subcultures, practices, predilections that otherwise most people would
never encounter (insert your own extremely elaborate perversity, for instance,
but also insert anything that, before, you had to KNOW someone in order to obtain,
and had to know ABOUT in order to want to obtain it). I have some worries
about this, or, specifically, about some economies of abuse that come along
with it. I think it's great that there are e-zines and on-line retailers,
for a variety of reasons, but I think the move toward "amateur"
pornography has some extremely disturbing undercurrents to it, as does, I'm
afraid, the general move toward hyper-revelation and documentation. It's
only a few clicks on Flickr till you find some "candid" images that
are profoundly creepy, and, of course, MySpace and etc are petri dishes for
similar stuff. I'm working on pieces dealing with some of these issues,
and I think the real riddle, in terms of policy, is how to draw any kind of
legal limit. Can I post pictures of my neighbor, and if not, why not, and
if so, is there any check on the comments I'm allowed to post, etc., etc.
I don't relish the idea that crimes will literally be inspired and facilitated
by new technology. And one reason I don't relish it is because I don't
want such things to happen, but another reason I don't relish it is because I
fear that any functional legal restrictions will need to be overly wide in
scope. This maybe has gone afield from your question about email
addresses. I'm also, of late, increasingly concerned about the world as
at once post-national and, well, NOT: the United States is building
border fences patrolled by, among other things, drone planes.
"Immigration" is a hot button issue, with people calling -- fairly
rabidly -- for restrictions, for closure of borders. But at the same
time, borders are, in so many ways, obsolete. I'm trying to learn more
about immigration law. I wish there were easier paths for people,
especially folks already here illegally, as I am friends with many folks in
that situation, all of them with their own complicated and unique, tangled
reasons for ending up where they are now. Anyway, this is too long an
answer. The contemplation of new communication technology just seems like
a trap door into ALL of these issues, though. The world is shrinking, and
that means the distance between decent citizens, sheriffs, and perverts is
shrinking, too. As the world shrinks, we can feel BOTH parties breath
down our necks, you know? The police and the criminals.

That was an amazing
answer. It's had me thinking the last day or so. Not so much
focused on the ideas you brought up, but they've somewhat become a constant in
the back of my head. I mean I've always kind of thought these types of
things, but you stated it clearly. And with that I think here is a good
place to end the interview. If there's anything you want to add feel
free, otherwise thank you very much for your time. I think there was some
really good stuff in here. Thanks again.

Hey, that was really a pleasure. It was very nice
talking with you, and I'd love to do so again. I'm glad you like the
book, too. Take care.

Jacob McArthur Mooney recently wrote The New Layman's Almanac. He is also an editor at Thieves Jargon.

Jeffrey Blitz has directed two movies:
Rocket Science and Spellbound.  Here is an interview with him:

Mr. Blitz, hello.

Hello

I understand that your time is
valuable and to tell you the truth I may not be worthy of it. As a result, I will be as honest as I can
right from the beginning. I am not very
good at interviewing people. I am too
self-absorbed to properly hear what others have to say. If that isn’t enough, If that isn’t enough
I’ve never actually written anything for the magazine I’m interviewing you
for. Over the last week I’ve tried
multiple times to write a quality review of Rocket
Science and have failed miserably every time. If you aren’t too depressed at this point I
would like to start the interview.

Yes, please. I am anything but depressed.

Someone suggested I start you out
with a cupcake question, so here it is: What did you eat for breakfast?

Cupcakes. No, actually I ate at the restaurant around the corner, the name of
which I don’t know, but I got a poached egg and they were very good.

I’m glad Boston is treating you well.

So far, so good.

One of the characters I really
liked, even though it was a minor role, was Josh Kay. Do you think he would be enough to save
Saturday Night Live?

[It is Josh Kay’s goal to become the youngest
cast member on SNL]

I would like to think so. He’s actually a very talented kid. Josh just sent me a screenplay he’s just
written which is amazing that he’s gotten through an entire screenplay. It’s very good. I don’t know (cough) SNL in such a tailspin
if one person can save it (cough) but if any thirteen-year old kid can, he can.

What’s the screenplay about? Is it something you’re interested in?

It’s not for me. (cough) [I
didn’t put this cough in to allude to anything. Blitz just coughed. He took a sip
of water. That seemed to clear up the
problem.] It’s a very dark high school story. It’s very well written.

I’m interested to see that.

In the movie Rocket Science you have Hal who stutters and then you have the
elite debaters who are at the opposite end of the spectrum when it comes to
speech and communication. Even though
they’re complete opposites of each other it seemed that the word meanings are
lost upon the listener at both ends. Is
that something you were aware of?

For me, so much of the movie is about the
idea of voice, trying to find voice and trying to figure out what to do with it
when you got it. I love the idea that
all these kids are lost to it somehow. Even when they can speak incredibly fast and are packing their sentences
with tons of SAT words, they still don’t know exactly what they’re talking
about. There is still a question about
whether their content of what they’re talking about matches up with what
they’re feeling or trying to express. Whether it’s the kid who’s talking a million miles an hour, but saying
nothing or the kid who isn’t able to get out any word at all they’re both at
the mercy of not knowing how to express what’s inside them. Yeah, I thought a lot about voice when making
this film.

After seeing the trailer I got
excited about this film, but I sometimes worry with these kind of movies
because they’ve almost become cliché to some extent. Is that something you worried about?

Yeah, absolutely. I think the coming to age genre is so
well-worn at this point almost to the point that there’s become a certain
formula to it. I was very aware of that
danger. I might have been too aware of
the formula when I was writing [the script]. I kept wanting to pretend it was going down that path and then step
away. Then pretend it was back on that
track and step away again. So, I was
very aware of the clichés of the genre. I tried to undo them without wrecking them.

Kind of along those lines, I
think one of the downfalls of the movies in that quirky, coming-to-age genre is
that they start off on a good pace with humor and they begin to forget that’s
what makes them good. Rocket Science never seemed to fall into
that trap. Is that something you focused
on?

I did. I think what you’re talking about is that many movies that start out as
comedies end up as striped down, very simple romances.

Even guys like Jude Apatow seems
to fall into this trap.

Yeah, I was determined for the movie that
tried so hard not to be a Hollywood film, I
didn’t want it two-thirds of the way into the movie to decide that it was
acceptable to have a Hollywood
ending all of a sudden. I wanted to have
the story grow as organically as I could. These were all good characters and I wanted to be faithful to them and
let the story go where it must go.

Another thing I noticed in the
movie was the focus on young characters and how there really is an absence of a
mature, adult presence in all the young peoples’ lives. Even when the young characters were getting
in trouble, there was never really a consequence from the adults.

I love the idea that everyone in the movie is
lost when it comes to figuring out love and sex and relationships. There’s no person, or father figure, that Hal
can turn to. I think it makes it so much
more interesting when parents have to battle through it themselves. Otherwise, I think we get the answers too
easily when there’s the adult with the boiled down, Hollywood
lesson about what life is like who steps in at some point.

One thing I really liked, that
was small, was the guidance counselor in one scene was wearing Nikes. I felt like him just wearing those shoes fit
the character perfectly, a typical guidance counselor. Is that something you picked out?

I picked the sneakers and then weirdly we got
a letter from Nike thanking us. It’s so
weird because it’s not a product placement. We didn’t ask Nike, we just kind of decided that those were the right
sneakers for him to wear and then Nike thought of it as a product
placement. Which such a funny thing
because the guy is such an off-base, off-color guy in the movie. Why is that a good advertisement for
Nike.

I just pictured the guidance
counselor losing touch with his youth and buying those shoes was his attempt to
try and be cool again.

Right, he’s trying to stay young.

I was doing a little a little
research on you and I found that you don’t have a wikipedia page.

I know. I’m so proud of that.

So, you’re not upset that you
don’t have one and Reece Thompson does have one.

No, that’s absolutely perfect. Although, I don’t think this will
happen. I would love to go my whole
career without a wikipedia page. For me,
I don’t want to. It’s not that I don’t
want to know about other film makers because sometimes I’m interested, but I
used to have this fantasy when I thought I was going to be a fiction
writer. I had this fantasy that I would
write under a pseudonym and people could read a book not knowing anything about
the person who wrote it at all so all they would have to go on is their own
life and the book and that would be it. You can’t really make films like that, but I love the idea anyway.

Kind of like Pynchon, where no
one knows who he is and he’s kind of disappeared.

Yeah, kind of, but I’m sure Pynchon has a
huge wikipedia page.

Is it something where if you got
a wikipedia page you would delete it?

No, no. I’m just proud that it’s lasted this long. I think that when Rocket Science comes out someone will put up something. I also like that the few things that I’ve
seen about me online there are all sorts of facts that are wrong. About where I grew up and what year I was
born. I like that stuff. I don’t feel the need to correct any of it.

Yeah, I was looking you up online
because I saw in the movie release that you got an MFA in fiction, but I
couldn’t really find anything except that you won the fiction award while at
Johns Hopkins.

Yeah, you found it. That’s crazy that you found that. Where did you find that?

I just looked. I had to dig through google like to the forth
or fifth page because I’m interested that you used to write fiction. Do you still write fiction?

I haven’t. It’s turned into screenplay writing.

Is that just a form you’ve found
that works better for you?

No, no. There’s a part of me that believes I’m a fiction writer, not a filmmaker
even though I have nothing to show for it. Sometimes I just feel that. The
way that I approach movies tends to…it feels very much like reworking a short
story for me. The mental process feels
very similar to that. Yeah,
I haven’t written a short story in a long time. I would like to get back to it someday. I kind of feel that if I were ever to fall out of favor with the powers
that be when making a movie that I would try my hand in fiction writing again.

That’s interesting the career
path you took, from a creative writing background into movies. That’s actually what I’m looking to do, is
get into an MFA program.

Oh yeah, well I highly recommend Johns Hopkins. It was great. I went there as an undergrad and I stuck around and did the one year masters
program and I thought it was great.

What was the name of that story
that you wrote for them that won the award?

It wasn’t just one story.

It was like a volume of work?

Yeah, it was a bunch of things. It was a kind of senior thesis.

Oh, I was interested in how you
ended up working with the Junior Philosopher, Jonah Hill? He’s like the big name right now.

Yeah, I know. I have to say that I’m really bummed about that because when we shot Rocket Science it was in the summer of
2005. Nobody knew who Jonah Hill
was. And he just came into the audition,
for a different part actually, and he’s awesome. He’s incredibly funny and a very good actor
and a great screen presence. So we cast
him as a little part because he was shooting another movie at the time so we
had to give him a smaller part. Hence,
the Junior Philosopher is only on for a few scenes. So we only shot for one
day. And that was it, so Jonah could
work with the schedule. Then, of course,
in between shooting the movie and now, suddenly he becomes a better known guy. He was in Knocked
Up and Superbad. Now, all of a sudden it feels like a cameo by
a well known actor. But when we cast him
he was an unknown guy.

So, I get the feeling that if Ben
Stiller read your script and wanted to play the father that you would probably
say ‘no’.

We talked a lot about whether or not we were
going to do celebrity cameos in the adult roles. And I, from the beginning, felt like it would
be a terrible mistake. It just throws it
out of wack. Ben Stiller and Meryl
Strepp as the Mom. There not onscreen
long enough for them to become someone other than the celebrity. So then you’re just looking at Ben Stiller. Oh, there’s Ben Stiller. There’s Ben Stiller saying the line. There’s Ben Stiller being funny. That’s completely distracting to me.

I was wondering about that. I figured you might say that. I think we’re running out of time. Anyway, the movie deals a lot with the first
kiss or dealing with the kiss Hal got. Do you remember your first kiss?

It was in prison.

It was?

No. I
can’t think of a worse place for that to happen. My first kiss…I remember I was in a play, in
some play and I must have been in seventh grade and it called for me to kiss
another girl in the play. I remember
there was a lot of talk about how long to kiss for. We discussed, you tilt your head to the left,
I’ll tilt my head to the right. It was
all very carefully planned out. And it
was very public. That was my first kiss.

Do you still keep in contact with
her?

I don’t. I lost track of her in college. She went to Yale and started kissing boys who were brighter than I
am.

I did find a dime on the way here
and I heard that you had some money trouble with the first movie. Do you want the dime.

You know, you should hang onto your
dime. We ended up doing quite well with
that.

I’m glad to here that.

We went into massive credit card debt on
that, but were able to get ourselves out of debt and pay the people who worked
on the movie for free.

I guess I am just going to ask
one more question. It’s kind of
long. So the question is basically about
the cello through the window scene and what that represents in Hal’s life. I’m going to give my view of it.

Yeah, go for it.

I kind of saw it as the cello
symbolizing female attraction. To get at
the issue deeper, the cello is a symbol of the power women can have over men
even though they are lacking the male phallus or source of overall sexual
power. Basically, when Hal tosses the
cello through the window he is giving up his male lust of the female and
choosing a life of first asexuality and then homosexuality as seen in the
friendship that develops between him and [another male character] which then
leads to them entering the debate as a team of homeschoolers. This odd grouping seems like it is going
against the accepted technique in debating society. So, when Hal does throw the cello is he then saying
that females are not the answer for his stuttering which makes him turn inward
and then to another male before he finally reaches to what may be the real
source of his stutter, his father?

Wow. Dude that’s awesome.

Yeah, I kind of just went with
it.

The thing is, when you put together or when I
write scenes you try not to think of them in those terms, but I love how they
can be interpreted in those terms. For
me, the appeal of the scene is a much more tangible sort of thing. There are all these scenes of Hal looking
through glass at other people and he chooses the safety of being an outsider
and looking in. All the characters are
kind of outsiders. Even when he sees
Jinny often times he sees her through the glass of her own window. So for me the cello scene ends up being all
that pent up emotion that you feel when you’re sitting watching the object of
your attraction through the window. When
all that goes wrong he lashes out at the role of being a spectator. So those are along the lines of what I was
thinking. One of the great things about
movies is that they can be interpreted on the surface and others believe in the
unconscious level.

It’s also pretty humorous that it
took him a half a dozen throws to actually get it in the window.

Right.

I guess that’s about it.

Do you think we should wave goodbye with our
feet.

Hopefully it all got on tape.

Cool.

Well, thank you very much.

I did an interview with Mark Danielewski a while back for a free magazine called the Weekly Dig on his book Only Revolutions. They didn't run the whole thing so I figured I'd run the thing in its entirety here. He also wrote the books: House of Leaves and Whalestoe Letters.

EDY: Is [Only Revolutions] meant more for the ear
than the eye?

Mark Z Danielewski: There’s definitely that quality, but
obviously it’s for the eye as well. We
recently released the audio version of the book. Are you aware of that?

Yeah, I saw that you
got Danny Elfman?

Yeah, he did the music. The audio in a way has been an invaluable key into the book. Some have listened to the whole thing, but what
a lot of the people have done is just download a few tracks and that has gotten
them into the swing of things. Once they
actually hear the music it gives the right manner and pace to get through the
book. Part of the attraction with the
sound is you can hear the rhythm, you can hear the playfulness, you can hear
the direction in which they are moving. On a certain narrative level, it provides a certain level of
gratification. I think one of the things
that can trip up people is that when you’re reading it you start to see a lot
of other stuff that’s going on within each word. How the words play, the page itself, etc. and
depending on where your level or where your skills are in reading these type of
texts that can be debilitating. I think
there are a number of ways of getting into the book. Some people are very comfortable reading
it. I am very gratified with the few
readings I’ve done with the number of young kids who are just tearing through
the thing. That’s amazing to me, but I
think part of it is that they have less prejudices to how a book is supposed to
read. They’re fearless in charging
through and they’re not measuring it with a book that should be this way or
that way and they’re not wondering where that certain narrative twist that I’m
used to. All that is not there, so they
just move through it and also it’s an age where there is an inherent
playfulness of language. It is a time to
invent language. Part of the research
that went into this book was cataloging the vocabulary that was being used
throughout the late 19^th It
is a time in our life when we’re sixteen where the greatest freedom that we
have is really in the way we can negotiate and renegotiate the way we use
language. century, during the teens, the twenties,
the thirties, the forties, the fifties, the sixties, so much of it is devised
by playful teenagers and using that.

Does it upset you
when reviews are only about the layout and not about the story?

I don’t know if I would say upset. I don’t really write books for today and
tomorrow. I write for today, tomorrow
and a thousand years and a thousand tomorrows after that. It would be foolish to think that dense
pieces like this to be fully digested and comprehended within a week of their
unveiling. It usually speaks to me,
that’s it’s pretty clear when you’re talking to people—this is something you’ll
discover if you haven’t already—is that people who haven’t read the book or are
just approaching the book first talk about the layout. Those people who have actually read the book
and are engaged in what is really going on and the story it tells in terms of America,
history, in terms of adolescence, in terms our relationship with abuse and
denial in our language, etc. etc. These
people rarely touch on the typography. Surely, you can see that in House
of Leaves. When House of Leaves first came out everyone was talking about this sort
of phenomenon, about this fellow who was just out the gate and everything. The truth is, they were saying the exact same
thing. First time I was going out to
readings they were like “why do you read this,” “This book’s crazy,” “Who can
read this,” and “No one can get into this,” “It’s impossible. So many of the same things, “Oh, it’s a
gimmick,” “Oh yeah, just because it looks like this.” Now—and we’re talking almost eight years
later—it’s almost like there’s amnesia that’s taken place. “Oh yeah, everyone knew it could be read like
this,” “It’s so easy,” and “It’s engaging,” Dadada…You know, I don’t know what
to tell you. I’m there listening going,
“Uh-huh, that’s not really the way it was.” And of course now, people do touch on the typography who are just getting
into House of Leaves. But most of the time they’re talking about
the characters, Zapano, and Johnny Truant. That is what’s of interest to them.

After you answer that
question, I almost feel like I’m the type of person you’re talking about. I also want to apologize, but I think it’s
because the book is fresh in my mind. I’m not really sure how to take it. I would like to switch over and talk about the characters a little.

You don’t have to apologize. That’s probably the sweetest thing I’ve ever heard in any
interviews. So, count yourself the very
first to even say that. It’s very nice
of you. You know it is a project that
demands time. It’s not something that is
rapidly assimilated. And what I like to
think is that there is the joy. You pay
a certain amount of money, you pay a certain amount of time to something and I
do think it’s pleasurable to have something that is rewarding that you can go
back to that’s not like contemporary culture’s obsession with disposable
products of all sort, disposable books, disposable computers, you know? Phones that are only designed to last a couple
of years. This is something that’s
designed to last a long time. It’s
supposed to give you a certain experience now, and ten years from now you could
go back to it and still gain something from that.

I really like knowing
that it’s complex. It makes it so it is
almost like a history in itself where you can’t really judge until you’ve had
space and time. Especially, the way
people reacted to House of Leaves earlier.

Yeah, it’s hilarious. I was out there when there were four people in the audience and everyone
was like, “I don’t know how to read this,” “This is impossible.” “No one’s
going to be able to read this.”

I recently saw the
movie Badlands and I saw a lot of similarities between that, just because it’s a road movie,
but I also saw Hailey and Sam being a lot like those characters. I was wondering if you’d like to talk about Only Revolutions relationship to that
movie or the road movie in general.

Let me just backtrack a little to the road book.

Feel free to talk
about that because I was planning on asking you about that later on.

So, can we lump them together? And if I miss something, we can go back and
highlight whatever it is you want…

Early on there are just those books you love and after House of Leaves I knew I wanted to write
something about the wide open. Here was
[House of Leaves] all about the
inside and I loved road books and road movies. The books that come to mind are pretty obvious. There’s On
the Road, there’s Huckleberry Finn,
there’s Zen and the art of Motorcycle
Maintenance, Paper Moon. There’s a bunch of others, you could even
look at Wordsworth’s Prelude or on
some levels you could even go back to The
Odyssey, I suppose, though that’s more of a sea tale. The amazing thing to me though is that I
couldn’t find and I still can’t find a book about a guy and a gal on the
road. And I always wanted that
book. In Kerouac, it was the lads
together or being alone. In Paper Moon, it’s the father and the
daughter. In Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, it’s the father and the
son. In Huck Finn, it’s Huck and Jim
going down the river. There wasn’t that
story that was the two lovers and all they wanted was each other. There was always the desire to have
that. Of course, one of the reasons why
I loved that story, beside from my own personal autobiographical reasons is
because for whatever reason movies have that. We have Bonnie and Clyde, Badlands, Natural Born Killers, True Romance, and all sorts of little
films like Dirty Mary and Crazy Larry. You can even look at some of the early
Chaplin films as having that on the road quality with the tramp and the little
waif running from place to place. Or
Godard’s Lost Weekend, there’s a
bunch of those kind of movies, but it never existed as a book. In a simple sense, I am very proud that Only Revolutions is unique—well, it’s
unique for a lot of reasons—but it is one of the first road books of a guy and
gal hitting the pavement and it really is about how their relationship is
shaped and reshaped by the landscape that they pass through, both literal or
historical. Badlands is actually very
important because a lot of the movies that I’m referencing are more
violent. They’re about the outlaws that
are on the road. There is an element
where Sam and Hailey are outlaws because one of the significant words in Only Revolutions is out. House
of Leaves was all about in, the interior. Only Revolutions is all about
getting outside of things, outside of social context and historical
context. Outside of laws, outside of the
road itself, outside the perimeter of their own bodies. The question is the nature of their
violence. One of the things they don’t
rely on are the common weaponry that is iconic in the typical road movie like Bonnie and Clyde or Badlands which is a gun, a specific agent of violence. Yet, Sam and Hailey do have it though even if
it isn’t literally with them. It
pointedly becomes more apparent in the second half of the book. The first half is more about their sexual relationships,
their drives that connect the two of them to each other. Later what comes is their decision, when they
really decide to leave the world, depart from their social stasis in the middle
of the book in St. Louis,
to whither everything with their speed. It is the haste which they move through the world, their oblivion of all
things outside of themselves that raises it all together. You start to see evidence of this when the
animals die, and the plants die, and people are just driven by the fury of
their speed. It is here that you start
to realize how silly guns are to the gods because four or to five months to
them is two hundred years to us. For
Gods it’s just a road trip around the country. To think of all mayhem and destruction that passes on the outside of
them. In some ways you could say the
structure of the book is sex and violence and a car chase. The first half is all about the sex and the
second half is all about the violence and how it is enacted. It seems to rift and also comment on the
movies that I’ve mentioned. Talking
about Badlands itself when Sam and Hailey go to Rushmore it’s more about the name than the
granite faces and sculptures. Rush-More
and Rapid-City. It’s about how they are
accelerating more and more through life and not stopping to smell the
roses.

I read somewhere that
you actually tried to go out and travel the same route as Sam and Hailey.

I did, yes. It was
great. I ended up renting a car, a
mustang convertible. I wanted a dark
color and they ended up giving me a bright yellow. And that was quite a trip to be driving
through the Deep South in a bright yellow
mustang convertible with California
plates. What I did was basically follow
Sam and Hailey’s routed, following it down from Pennsylvania and through DC, all the way to New Orleans where I
stayed for a while. Then I followed the Mississippi up because
that’s was very important, actually going to opposite direction as Huck and Jim
and I stayed for a little while in St. Louis where the third section [of the
book] is located. And from there I
followed it all the way up to La Crosse
and then I headed west across the Dakotas into
the badlands and then up through Wyoming
to Montana
where I got caught in a freak snow storm and nearly died.

I got out there and near-wheel drive convertibles are not
the things to be driving when the highways are iced over and I was heading
towards Bozeman Pass with three or four inches of solid
ice on the highway. As soon as I got on
it I realized that I had to get off because all the exits were closed because
so much snow. They hadn’t been plowed
yet. And I’m going very slowly, but the
trucks which are fitted for that weather are still moving by at eighty miles
per hour. Every time they would pass
they would kick up this huge veil of white and it would last seconds. You couldn’t see anything. You would count “One one-thousand…Two
one-thousand…three one-thousand,” and then it would clear, but three long
seconds is a while when you can’t see where you’re going and you’re still
moving at forty miles per hour. I
remember we were coming upon a bridge (cough) and there was a UPS truck behind me, a few truck lengths behind me. There was another semi that was passing me
and it passed me just as I was hitting the bridge. It threw up this whiteout. I’m counting, “One one-thousand, Two
one-thousand, three one-thousand,” and my back tires lost grip of the
road. They started to kick out behind me
and I just realized that—fortunately having grown up in Utah I knew a little about driving in the
snow and canyons—you just can’t hit the breaks. You have to move with. I remember
just taking this deep breath and relaxing and just saying, “This is it,”
because if I started to spin I would have hit the edge of the road and probably
would have gotten flipped over. God
knows what would have happened there. Sure enough the white out cleared and the UPS truck was two or three
feet off my back bumper and his hazards were on. He no doubt had seen me lose control in the
white out that blinded him and he put on his hazards because he figured he was
going to have the Mustang as a hood ornament, I guess. But fortunately, I came through that. I gave it some gas and pulled away. Eventually the UPS truck passed me and I sort
of hung behind him and we found an exit just short of Bozeman Pass
in Livingston. I ended up holing up there for a few days until the ice melted and I
could make my way on. It was pretty
intense experience.

Yeah, it’s basically
every man for himself up on those roads.

It really is. You get
so used to the streets of a modern metropolis in the US. Even though it’s a highway and nice and clean on the map, it’s really
one straggly lane surrounded by ice. It
was pretty wild.

When you did go on
the road did you have any company? Did
you try and do the girl and guy thing? Or did you go by yourself?

I ended up going by myself. I would have loved to have done that, but it was not to be. I think I had just ended a relationship and
there was some thinking about how nice it would have been to be with her or
someone else. It was also in keeping
because what I recognized was that as much as it is about the literal trip it
is also about the longing we all have. I
just had breakfast with a friend of mine who had just finished her own road trip
with a guy and she’s read Only
Revolutions. In fact, she’s gone and
done the northern part of that journey. She traveled the Northern elements of the Mississippi. Then headed west on La Crosse
and went to Badlands, but didn’t head as north
as Montana. It was interesting though because what she
was describing was that even though she was with this guy there was still that
longing to be with that perfect road partner. So, Sam and Hailey, as much as they are about that literal story,
they’re also about the fulfillment of the longing that we’ve all had, to have
that perfect partner in crime. And most
of us never have it, but that doesn’t mean that the dream doesn’t exist and in
some ways this book explores what that dream is and where that dream would go
if you took it to its absolute fulfillment and if you just ate the honey of
your desire and ran the car on the fumes of your own affection. At the expense of all other things, where
would you end up? In Sam and Hailey’s
case they tell us it’s a cold, ice enclosed mountain.

One part I found
interesting, from a personal standpoint, was their stop in St. Louis just
because I’ve done my own road trip and me and my friend ended up stopping in
St. Louis to do work also, it was just paving driveways. I’m curious of why you had them stop there at
that time and what were the reasons or was it just coincidence?

Oh god yes, there were lots of things. St.
Louis is such this rich history you know? There’s a centrality to the US and its not
precise, but there’s a strange state that saw an enormous amount of violence
during and after the civil war because of the mix of factions between North and
South that lived there. It wasn’t just a
Northern state; it wasn’t just a Southern state. You know, it’s been called the gateway to the
west and you can look at the arch, the ark that finally rose out of its soil
which could be looked at as a part of Sam and Hailey’s journey: through it and
around it. Some of the literary figures
that come from there; Elliot was from there. There are a lot of reasons that I’m sort of just giving you sign posts
towards which I’m not going to totally divulge, but St. Louis has a very rich history in that
respect.

One of your
intentions with the book is for it to be a lasting image and from other sources
I’ve read you’ve been asked whether or not this book can change the world. You’ve answered that you think everything has
the opportunity to change the world. So
let me ask you, how do you think this interview is changing the world or how do
you think you’re changing my world, or your own world etc. etc…

Hmmph…That’s an interesting question, I like that one. I’ve never had that one before. Actually, we’ve gotten through a lot of stuff
I’ve never gone through before. It’s
been gratifying. The thing about
changing the world is that we’re always changing the world. We change the world in every moment, so
already we’ve changed the world. We’ve
added a different thread, we’ve found something new. Even despite this process involved in the sterility
of pure repetition there’s been an invention here, a creation, and a swerve in
what might be anticipated. In terms of
its sort of causal relationship to everything else, we don’t really know and
that in itself becomes one of the questions in Sam and Hailey’s journey. It’s how much of the world has changed? In some ways and the way in which the book
answers that is that the world is contained within each. As much as they don’t destroy it and maybe
this is something that can’t be put into the interview because this is really
about the ending. In the beginning they
say they are going to destroy the world, in the middle they sort of get
attached to it and by the ending there is this strange notion that they will
preserve the world and that they aren’t going to follow through on their God
like threats to burn it to the ground. In some ways they do by killing themselves. They do destroy the world because the world
is intact, and whole within them. There’s
an old story, I think it’s from the Talmud. It’s about rabbis who discover that the way you can change the entire
world is by moving a stone in the right way. And I think I am a believer in that, even the smallest motions can have
the most profound effects. I think it’s
similar to the butterfly effect, with chaos theory that these small little
things can have enormous effects later on. I think the point of this parable of sorts is that it’s the way you
engage the world that unlocks a new world. It doesn’t necessarily have to be confirmed by a revolution or an atom
bomb going off or a sudden renegotiating of all things political. It can simply re-instantiate a different
pathway in yourself and the way you see the world and share the world. Cause this world is infinitely delightful and
infinitely pleasurable. There is nothing
that can compete with the reality around us. The point is to just dig towards a narrative that doesn’t exclude so
much of the world.

Your book is open to
so many different interpretations. It
has your voice in it, but I think because of its nature it really depends on
what the reader decides to bring to it and how they decide to read it. Roland Barthes’ essay, death of the author
really comes to mind. It really is what
you bring to the book yourself.

Nothing would make me happier if that were true. It isn’t a book that’s about me. It’s a book that is about creating a place
where the reader can encounter themselves and still encounter the idea of
someone that is outside them. It’s a
book that I know is challenging. It
presents and prevents all sorts of reading. I will say on a personal note that I’m very proud of it. I think it’s going to be around for a long
time.

I’d like to ask one
more question. I had just thought of it
as we were talking. It seems like you’re
really in touch with your fans. With Only Revolutions you asked your fans to
submit things and you had the art contest which was cool because in the
paperback you used every piece of art. Can you talk about what the fans mean to your work or maybe you could
talk about whether you’ve ever thought about doing a piece of work that will
involve even more fan input.

I don’t have the answer to what the next phase will be, but
I definitely think that it is important to be open. It’s tricky though because too much openness
can invite a different type of challenge. In the book it made sense because it was so much for me about getting
outside of myself, getting beyond myself, enacting the death of the author and
maybe even minding myself or my spirit revitalized in the spirit of these two
kids. Part of the way of doing that was
getting out of my house, going out and talking to people, whether it was at a
coffee shop or the gas station. What was
there favorite historical moment? What
was their favorite car? Had they ever
been in love and gone on a road trip when they were sixteen. Those type of things. So for me it was a process that was always a
part of the book from the very beginning. It certainly developed early on when I was on tour for House of Leaves. I was encountering so many people. And then I was on tour with my sister and we
were opening for Depeche Mode then it was thousands of people telling me
different stories and I would make notes of them. I would write them on cards and eventually a
lot of that, the jobs they had, things that they did, were sort of incorporated
into the book. In fact, when you were
telling me that story of paving driveways it’s just a wonderful image. If we had this conversation before Only Revolutions that would have
definitely been one of their jobs at some point in St. Louis because it’s so vivid and it’s a
part of that transportation theme. There
is still part of my brain that still hears things that thinks, “That would have
worked for Only Revolutions. It was just a logical move from people I
actually met to people I randomly encounter to the actual website to other
forms as well and invite that kind of participation. It was very gratifying in that sense. It was also appropriate for Only Revolutions itself. How that would fit with the next
project? I’m not sure. It would have to make sense. It couldn’t be forced. I find that there is a certain organic
element, certain types of things present themselves, certain kinds of dialogue
take place in public and then suddenly you think to yourself that maybe someone
could do that, not for a whole book, but they can have an input here that would
be interesting or maybe they get you to ask, “How does that work?” It’s an ongoing exploration for me, but I
think there’s an importance to remaining connected in some fashion.

You really caught my
attention when you said that a story has to be organic because actually in
another interview the person said the same thing. A director, Jeffrey Blitz, felt that stories
were meant to go where they please and aren’t intended to be forced. Is this a quote I am missing or just pure
coincidence?

I think it’s a coincidence. I think it’s been rephrased in a bunch of different manners. I think organic is common because it applies
to any sort of interior. Interior’s also
kind of a tricky word. Any kind of
structure that perpetuates itself like a story that is driven by its own
internal rules. It’s not organic if you
have Sam and Hailey walking along and something comes over and picks them up
and throws them out over Russia. Obviously, something from the outside is
affecting them in an enormous way. If
they happen to be running out of gas and they happen to be in St. Louis at that point and they’re shy of
money and they going to get a job, it makes sense. You start listening to more what the characters
are doing than any sort of outside plan. And that’s very important. The
thing that was different with Only
Revolutions is that there is this mechanism which they inhabit, the whole
360 page, 360 words per page sort of clockwork. The point of that is how did this organic journey, this love story, this
tragic expression of adolescent affection, how does it finally free itself from
this mechanism? It’s like I chained them
up and they had to vie against that. I
was constantly surprised by them. You
know, once they escaped the Creep and the party. They tie him up with his own rope. You can view that in so many ways, that he’s
a pedophile that is literally tied up or you tie him up by his own grandiosity,
whatever you want to do, however its imagined that they met that they
ultimately bind him up with his own tools and flee. What was a total surprise to me was when they
were getting out of the hospital they suddenly decided they had to let the
Creep go because they aren’t about tying anything up. As soon as they tied him down, they would be
tying themselves down. For me, it was
just this moment where you say, “That’s not what I would do,” and it’s not what
you would do, but that’s what they did and it surprised me. It was completely organic because it derived
from them, from their personality and identity.

[Ambulance siren in
the background]

I guess that’s really
all I have for questions. I appreciate
you taking a full hour out of your time. I’m always a little worried going into interviews. It was just great that you were willing to
give me that time and I appreciate that.

I appreciate your questions. I felt like they were quite good. I felt like we got somewhere a little new and I look forward to seeing
the piece you come up with.

I hope to have a copy
of it for you on October 2^nd when you visit Boston.

It would be great to see you. If you’re there just stop by and say
hello. It would be fun to shake hands.

Awesome.

Okay, well take care of yourself man.

You too.

Alright, bye.

Bye.

[Hang up the phones]

Tom McCarthy directed this movie called The Visitor. It stars Richard Jenkins.

Note: This interview was conducted in a room at the Ritz
Carlton in Boston. There were four or
five people from the press along with Tom and Richard. One lady was really old. Before the interview started she was talking
about how she didn’t know how to use the internet and how she still wrote all
her reviews on a typewriter.

Enter Richard Jenkins.

Question One: Would you like a Jelly bean?

Richard Jenkins politely refuse. He raises his hands to his chest and shakes
his head.

Question Two: They’re
individually wrapped?

Richard Jenkins: We
spare nothing.

Question Three: There’s
the American genius for you. If they’re
individually wrapped then it must be high class. And even worse now it looks like I’ve had a
lot.

Richard doesn’t
respond.

Enter Tom.

Tom McCarthy: How
is everyone?

People mumble that
they are well.

Question Four: Welcome
back to Boston.

TM: It’s good to
be back in Boston.

Tom opens a bottle of
coke. It is one of those miniature glass
bottles. You hear the seal crack and
then the fizz. Then he pours it into the
glass. You can hear the ice shift
against the glass. Richard drinks a diet
coke straight from the bottle.

Question Five: So
Richard and Tom, the two of you on the road, are you selling some Callahan
Brake pads?

Tommy: It short
of feels like it.

Richard: But good
ones.

There is a little
chuckling. Not a lot, but enough to
please the one who asked the question. He is very proud of himself.

Question Six: How
long have you been taking the movie around for?

TM: For about a
year.

This is sarcasm.

TM: No, about
three weeks. The first premiere was in
Toronto. There was a second premiere at
Sundance. They invited us down. So we
did.

Richard pours some ice
into a glass. He is sick of drinking his
warm diet coke.

Question Seven: How
do you pick your subjects or your projects? How do you decide what to write about next?

TM: It’s a slow
process. It’s not like I thought Richard
needed a vehicle.

RJ: Richard did.

There are some more
chuckles. People sometimes chuckle when
they are nervous and sometimes they do it because they want a person to like
them which is also derived from nervousness. I don’t know what kind of chuckling this was.

Question Eight: Was
it tough to get this movie made.

RJ: With me it
was.

TM: Yeah, with
Richard on board it was. No, we had
capital, movie capital, from The Station
Agent. I don’t mean capital as in
money. I mean trust. I could take an unconventional story and
deliver a movie that people would want to watch. But you never know. I finished this script, with Richard attached
and as you know that isn’t a slam dunk for financing, but the two companies who
ended up stepping up, stepped up very quickly. They loved Richard in the lead role and we were off and running. I know a lot of filmmakers would read that
and maybe tell you it’s not that easy, but in this case it did come together
that easy.

Question Nine: Richard, I heard you never took drum lessons?

RJ: I used to
play the drums when I was younger.

Question ten: Oh?

RJ: Yeah…

Question eleven: So
you weren’t nervous about playing the drums.

TM: I was.

RJ: No, I talk to
a guy and we kind of figured out what we were going to do.

Question twelve: How
did you prepare for this role?

RJ: Drank.

TM: Very
medicated.

RJ: Actually, I
prepared in the rehearsal.

Question thirteen: How
are you combining your acting and your directing, like your role on The Wire?

TM: I shot The Wire while we were editing this
movie. It was a busy couple of months
because it just came up and I loved the show. David Simon said it would be fun and I trusted him. It was one of those times when I overextended
myself, as my ex-girlfriend would probably agree.

There are more
chuckles. Tom laughs at himself
too. It is unclear whether he is still
hurt from it.

RJ: The operative
word being ‘ex’.

TM: It
was basically like, “Take care of the dog. I’ll see you Thursday for about ten minutes,” but yeah. That’s the nature of the business.

EDY: I'm curious
about your view on what's going on with the Supersonics right now. You've
obviously been a fan for a long time and now it looks like they're
moving. Feel free to rant as much as you want.

David Shields: Not
too interested in this topic, I must admit. I just don’t follow sports anymore,
Mark.

EDY: No
problem. If you don't mind, can I ask why? If you do mind then
could you maybe point me in the direction of a writing you did that explains
your reasoning. If that doesn't exist and you still would rather not talk
about it then maybe you could tell us how you spent your lazy Sunday (and if it
wasn't lazy then I apologize)?

DS: Sunday: in
airports. Sports: tapped out…

Mark, sorry my responses so brief. Just insanely busy. Your website is fun.

EDY: Completely
understandable. I can imagine you've got a lot on your plate with the
book and Washington. To help out, I'll just cluster a bunch of questions
and you can spin through them as quick as need be.
I read somewhere that you always wear black, was this a passing trend, or a
lifelong wardrobe choice?
DS: Passing trend.
EDY: Have you seen the movie Rocket
Science? I thought of your book Dead
Languages when I saw it. What did you think of it when you saw it, if you
did?

DS: God-Awful.
EDY: The title of your new book
reminds me of the Flaming Lips song, "Do you realize?" Particularly
the lyrics, " Do You Realize - that everyone you know someday will
die" Are you familiar with this song?
DS: Don't know it.
EDY: Are you surprised that your 50?
DS: Thrilled.
EDY: Was it a relief when you came
to the conclusion that you, as an individual, in the grand scheme of things,
don't matter?
DS: Yep.
EDY: Why do you think some people
get so depressed by this notion?

DS: They hate
their lives.

EDY You've got me
interested in your movie tastes now. What's the last good movie you've
seen?

DS: No country.

EDY: Best movie
in the last ten years?

DS: Bright Leaves.
EDY: Most re-watchable movie in your opinion?

DS: Singing Detective.
EDY: Then again, you might not care about movies a
whole lot? Last good book you've read?

DS: Vanishing
Point.

EDY: Best new
writer you've found?

DS: Markson.
EDY: Best writer you've ever taught?

DS: Coetzee
EDY: The book you've re-read the
most?

DS: Speedboat.
EDY: Do you see movies and books
moving closer to each other in form?

DS: si.
EDY: Thoughts on how MFA programs
have changed since you got yours?

DS: Decline.

EDY: Someone said your new book is like "Tuesday without Morrie," with the
schmaltz. Do you agree with this? Why
does everyone hate being schmaltzy? Would
you accept your book becoming a part of Oprah's book club?
or do you think people would get confused and think it was too schmaltzy? When is the last time you had a chicken with too
much schmaltz? Should I be worried that
the pinnacle of my brain is only a year away and that after that it's all downhill
from there? Actually, I guess I know what you're going to say, basically
it comes down to me being an individual and me not really mattering...instead,
let's turn our attention to this pair of underwear I am wearing. They are
filled with holes. They should have been thrown out years ago, but they
remain in constant rotation, etc., etc. To be honest, I don't know where
to go from here with the talk about my underwear. Not much will
change. They will continue getting older and older. One day, they
will be gone. This is your view. We've touched on it briefly.
It is the premise of your new book which in a way has me wondering if there is
a meaningful question I could ask you. Besides coming off like a dick,
what stops you from answering every question with something along the lines of,
"We're all going to be dead one day, my answer matters about as much as
yours"?

DS: Schmaltz as
unearned emotion, lies, syrup, falsity to sell books.

EDY: Are you ever
going to make it to Boston?

DS: For the paperback.

EDY: Are there
plans for a book of short stories?

DS: handbook for drowning was recently
reissued.

EDY: It seems
like you only put out a new short story every or so. Do you not care for the
form?

DS: Plenty of
short stories out there. Dozens. I can send you bibliography if you want.

EDY: How many
pages was The Thing about life... originally?

DS: 487

EDY: Is it
possible that you'll ever grind out an epic 1000 word novel?

DS: Not sure how
many epic novels are 1000 words.

EDY: Do you have
a stack of unpublished manuscripts you're sitting on?

DS: 2 books
coming out in next 2 years.

EDY:Do you ever
catch yourself wishing you had done things differently with your life?

DS: no.

EDY: Do you think
college has become something of a joke?

DS: no.

EDY: When you go
to the gym are you a treadmill or exercise bike type of guy or do you prefer
something odd like rollerblading?

DS: Swimming.

EDY: I knew it
was swimming. I had a gut feeling. Do you have your own pool?

DS: Yes--100
meters in the living room.

EDY: Most of your
books seem to have an autobiographical nature to them? Do you get sick of
talking about yourself or answering questions about yourself in interviews?

DS: Yes. i think
we're done, no?

EDY: Will a horse
ever be put on the moon?

DS: just
yesterday this happened, actually, according to a text message I received.
EDY: Hows the back?
DS: Great, actually.

EDY: Would you want
to own a pet if it could talk to you?

DS: No. their
appeal is silence.

EDY: I may have
eaten three bagels and eight eggs this morning for breakfast. Think you can beat that

DS: I'm a big
oatmeal fan.

EDY: What do you
think of Dave Shields?

DS: Don't know
him.
EDY: Ever met him?
DS: n/a

EDY: What would
the conversation go like if you did?

DS: n/a

India de Beaufort was in the movie Run, Fat Boy, Run. A lot of guys think she is the prettiest girl in the world because of this movie.  I would guess maybe fourteen guys think this.  Three of those fourteen guys have probably thought about India de Beaufort while they masturbated.  I could be wrong.  I had a chance to do a phone interview with India.  I should have asked her how many guys think she is the prettiest girl in the world because of the movie Run, Fat Boy, Run. She would not have known the answer.  Maybe she would have laughed.  She laughed a few times in the phone interview.  You can watch a video of me conducting the phone interview if you want.  You probably don't want to.

I drew the above picture of her.  It is okay.  I drew another picture of her before that was really bad.  I like this one a lot better. It still doesn't do her justice. She is
famous. She exists on the internet. I suggest you try and find her on
the internet. Google is a very good browser. Sometimes I use it. It
always helps me and is polite. If you wanted you could look: here, here, or here (careful now, this one is very sexy) for a better interpretation of her.

Run Fat Boy Run is cool because Michael Ian Black wrote it. He was on The State and has a music album called: I'm a Wonderful Man. David Schwimmer directed Run Fat Boy Run. He isn't as cool as Michael. It's okay. David was on the TV show Friends.

She was also in The Basil Brush.

You can hear India's music here. Also, as was stated in the phone conversation she is not pregnant. Her wikipedia page used to say the following which was wrong:

Rumors surfaced in February of 2008 that Ms. de Beaufort was pregnant;
sources claim to have overheard a cellular phone conversation at a
station of the the London Underground. Makeup company "Mezhgan" has yet
to comment on whether or not the pregnancy (if the rumors are accurate)
will affect her recent contract to represent their new makeup line,
"Me."

EDY If you want,
I'd love to trade some questions and answers in a kind of informal interview

Elizabeth Crane Sure,
I'll answer questions for you.

EDY Alright, let's
start this off: Why is your mom on
youtube (has since been taken down), Why does your dad feel the need to fake smile, and why is your dog
tired?

EC Awesome. My
mom is on youtube because she fled the town of dwarves to become
an opera star. My dad fake smiles because he doesn't think it's funny. My dog
is tired from opening all the presents. Duh.

EDY I saw you made
a haiku for featherproof books. Can you write one for everyday yeah?

EC Took me a
second to figure out what you were talking about, I forgot they put that on
their site. Sure, I will but I gotta run to school - will work on it.

Later…

Haiku for
Everyday Yeah
by Elizabeth Crane
Gnomes live over here,
eat your snacks, talk about you,
and never clean up.

EDY That was
really good. Everyday Yeah really appreciates your creativity and use of
gnomes. Speaking of gnomes, what's your feeling about lawn gnomes and/or
what was the summer like after fifth grade going into sixth grade?

EC Thanks, my
pleasure. I don't see enough lawn gnomes
around here, quite frankly. I'd like to see a lawn covered with
gnomes. I'd do it if we were homeowners, but we just rent. We're
not homeowners or gnomeowners. We're gnomeless. Also, I think it's
time for The Bachelor: Gnome Edition.
Let's see, the summer of 72, I graduated from PS 166, I was listening to the
Jackson 5ive on my Toot-a-loop and worrying that private school kids would be
snobby. I'm pretty sure that Lik-m-aid, Wacky Packs, and Archie comics
were present. I had a new baby sister, and I changed her diapers and made
her laugh for the first time. Maybe I wasn't good at it.

EDY I like things
I don't know. I like Toot-a-loop and Lik-m-aid. I refuse to look
these things up. I prefer ignorance.
Why is everything awesome in your opinion?

EC You should
look up Toot-a-loop, because you'll want one. It's an S, it's an O, it's
a crazy radio. Well, fine, everything isn't awesome. I
get stomachaches. Still my life is pretty awesome. I have the
perfect job and the perfect husband and my dog is almost perfect even though
he's medium smart. Our furniture and every item in our living room is
currently in a neat vertical pile in the center of the room. How awesome
is that?

EDY The furniture
sounds amazing. Let me stop for a second and
reflect. I apologize for the direction this interview is going. I
wonder if anyone will want to read it. I am a failure when it comes to
interviews. I should have told you from the beginning. Let's try
questions like:
When did you first learn to write?

EC My dad tells
people I learned to read when I was three, but even if that's true I doubt if I
could hold a pen very well at that time. So I'm gonna say first grade
like everyone else. But - my writing career began solidly in third grade
when I read Harriet the Spy. I kept spy notebooks for several years after
that with keen observations like, "Juan Henriquez is wearing a poncho
today. Consider."

EDY What are your
thoughts on cursive?

EC I am
completely terrible at it. When I was in grade school I got all
excellents except for penmanship: poor.

EDY When did you first learn to sharpen a
pencil?

EC I don't know,
but you know those kind of marking pencils where you peel off the paper to
expose more of the pencil? Who doesn't want to just unpeel the whole
thing at once? When I was a kid I thought that was the future of all
pencils.
EDY What's your favorite book?

(Note: I really
apologize for asking this question. I
don’t know how it slipped in there. I
feel like this is one of the worst questions you can ask someone.)

EC Oh for the
love of god. Just one? Not possible. If you held a gun to my
head, after I asked you nicely to put it down and you didn't, I'd say Harriet
just because it had such a big influence on me.

EDY What do you
do when you really want to write, but you're tired or you can't think of
anything and all you want to do is press your head into your monitor so it pops
out the other side?
EC I sew curtains, clothes,
embroider, play scrabulous, and go back to bed.

EDY If you were digging for gold and a walrus
tried to steal it would you hit it over the head with a shovel?

ECNot unless it
hit me over the head with a shovel first.

EDY On plane rides do you eat the
complimentary peanuts?

EC What, the
three peanuts that come in a bag that just remind me I have nothing to eat for
the next three hours? No way. Plus I could take or leave peanuts. I
usually eat the three pretzels but then the next three hours are rough.

EDY What do you
think of the new legislation?
EC I think it's terrible.

EDY Do you even
know of the new legislation?

EC Not really.

EDY What do you
think this new legislation is if you had to take a guess?
EC Vote no to violence on violence
against walruses?

EDY Have you ever
been on a date with a blind man?

EC No. Have
you?

(No.)

EDY Are you
opposed to bringing a toothbrush on blind dates and brushing your teeth at the
table if it isn't going well? etc etc

EC No, I think
that's a great idea. I wish I'd thought of that while I was still dating.

EDY What do you
think 'etc etc' implies here?
EC Flossing and mouthwash, duh.
I'd also like to say that you are not a failure. Say that to yourself a
few times a day until it sticks, willya?

(awww. How nice)

EDY Did you like
the Harriet the spy movie? Also, did you
catch the Nancy Drew movie? I kind of
liked that one.

EC I couldn't see
the movie. I heard it was good, but I didn't want anything to interfere
with my idea of it. Rosie O' Donnell as Ole Golly? No way. I didn't see the Nancy Drew movie. I used to
watch the TV show back in the day...

EDY What would be
your dream book talk experience?

EC I'm confused
by the question - dream book talk experience? That sounds like there
should be a painted Volkswagon bus and some acid involved.

EDY What's
teaching like?

EC I love
teaching. It's a lot of work, but I'm
really fortunate to be able to teach at some excellent schools, and classes
tend to be filled with very thoughtful, creative, engaged students. So I get pretty jazzed by it.

EDY Do you ever
have students who like to take the bathroom pass four or five times in one
hour?

EC Maybe not
quite that much.

EDY How do you
deal with such rebels?

EC I shun
them. But usually I unshun them so fast
they don't really notice the shun.

EDY Would you
ever name a pet 'gerund'?

EC Probably not.

EDY What about a child?

EC Definitely
not.

EDY Why or why
not?

EC I'm not
against unique baby names but gerund is just a weird-sounding word.

EDY If you could
redo the definition for gerund what would you make it?

EC A tiny old
person.

EDY How many
bunnies did you strangle yesterday?

EC Who would
strangle a bunny?

(This was asked on the
day after Easter)

EC My husband ate
a chocolate one, does that count?
EDY How many eggs did you steal and
eat?

EC I stole
nothing. I ate easter m&ms.
EDY What other holiday do you wish
the easter bunny showed up at?

EC Doesn't the
easter bunny come to all your holidays?

EDY I apologize
for the question about strangling bunnies. Maybe I'm in a bad place in my
life. Maybe I once saw a bunny get run over while waiting for the
bus. Maybe I was trying to be funny and you taking the question as a serious
one set me in my place. In other news I believe this calamity has gone on
far enough. I like how you were so patient with my idiotic
questions. It was nice. The last question will be about a
novella. It will be something like, when is your first novella coming out
and what is it about. That will be the last question. Thank you
again.

EC I didn't take
it seriously. I'd like to write a
novella. I like novellas. I don't know what it would be
about. That's always hard to say until I've actually sat down to do it.

Elizabeth Crane wrote this book, this book, and this one. She also blogs here.

Tao Lin has written a bunch of things. He is a hard worker. He wrote a novel called: Eeeee Eee Eeee. He wrote a book of short stories called: Bed. He has a book of poetry called: you are a little bit happier than i am. He has a new book coming out called: Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy. He is my age and has a lot more books out than me. I am jealous.

EDY Let’s do an
interview. mmmmmmmmmmmmkay?

TAO LIN sounds
good. interview me.

EDY Wait, did we
already start this thing? Cause I had this really good question to ask
you first that would have started this interview off really well, but it looks
like I already used up the first question which means I'll have to use one of
my secondary questions like 'what does it feel like to have a first and last
name with the same number of letters?' or 'if you were hiding under my bed what
would you say to me as I was drifting into sleep?'
The problem is I don't like those two questions either. So, I'm going to ask you a question from the
third tier:
If you were held captive as a Ferris
wheel in a land of two suns where there was never nighttime and the world was
full of these cute little innocent things called murbles that were always
running around how would you escape without crushing any of the murbles?

Tao Lin never responded to this question…

EDY Well, I guess that was an awful question. Let's
move on to the next one. So, you're a
vegetarian. Do you have any suggestions on how to serve tofu? I
make it with curry a lot, but my girlfriend is sick of it and won't eat it
anymore.

TAO LIN can you
ask another one? i'm a 'vegan.'

EDY Who wins in a
land battle, Tao Lin's Intern Army or Brandon Scott Gorrell's shit head army?
Also, congrats on the tenth anniversary of your summer writing conference. It's amazing you had
a writing course named after you when you were 14.

TAO LIN Tao Lin's
Intern Army probably. Brandon's Shit Head Army is something like 20 people.
Maybe his army would win. I think my army is around 13 people. Probably
Brandon's Shit Head Army.

EDY So, you were
recently in Kansas. How many Wal Marts did you see? Who cooked the
best dinner? If you didn't know anyone in Kansas where would you have
slept?

TAO LIN I didn't
see any Wal-Marts. I think I only walked outside on Massachusetts street which
didn't have many chain stores. I liked that street. We ate at an Indian place,
it was the only dinner I ate while there, I liked that also. If I didn't know
anyone in Kansas I would have slept on the plane and then looked at things
online in the airport until my plane was leaving.

EDY Hello, I
should ask you another question now.
Okay, I will do that.
If you had to dress up as one of your poems for Halloween which would one would
it be? You do not know me, but which one
would I go as?

Tao Lin never
responded to this question…

EDY I just read
your poem about you catching a whale when you went fishing with your
family. I once found a whale on the
beach. I took a picture. This is the picture.

I am only showing you the picture because I told you the story and then thought
maybe you would like to know that this really happened. I do not know what else to say. It
wasn't a good day. It wasn't a bad day. It just happened.
Maybe you would like to talk about the whale or your whale poem? Or maybe you would like to just look at the
picture and not say anything. Maybe you could just answer 'yes' if the
latter is your choice.

TAO LIN This will
be the only time I have said anything about the whale poem about how I came to
write it. I have not talked about this to anyone. I think people were afraid to ask or thought
they would sound stupid. I wrote the
whale poem in my room in Jersey City. I had no internet in my room. It was in a
house. I lived on one floor of the house. It was "desolate," that
area of Jersey City. I was alone.

I was feeling very bad. I think I was in a situation of
unrequited feelings. Mostly in my head, I think. I was bored probably and depressed,
I think it was a weeknight. I was probably working on a story from my
story-collection, BED, each day and just doing that and having no friends and
not doing anything with anyone. Getting like two emails a day from one
acquaintance in NYC who I hung out with maybe once every month, and one from my
mom.

That was the situation. I was on my bed, I wanted to write a
poem about how "bad" I felt. I was thinking things like, "I am
so sad, but I need to express this in a way that isn't stupid or obvious but interesting
and exciting and maybe funny, it would be good if it was funny, if I can be
very detached or something." I was writing on a small notepad. Then I
wrote the whale poem. I think I was being "nostalgic" or something
and thinking about when I was very young and went fishing with my family. I
wrote the poem. I don't remember how I "came up" with the
"joke" in the poem. It was a possibility that my brain processed and
then used. I felt excited after I wrote it and didn't feel as sad anymore for
maybe 20-30 minutes.

EDY It's good to
hear from you. It’s been a couple of
weeks. I like that place in Jersey
City. I like to read about solitary places without the
internet. I'll be honest. I haven't been idle while I waited for
your answer. I wrote the following:

Tao Lin doesn't
respond to my emails anymore

I guess it started when I didn't realize he was vegan and
kind of called him a vegetarian. I can't really remember what happened
next. I think I apologized and then asked if he had a couch I could sleep
on the following weekend. Time passed and he never responded which I
guess I expected. It's understandable. We've never met in person.
I have no problem with him not wanting me sleeping on his couch. I
sent him a message explaining that I had no hard feelings about it all and
mentioned the idea of maybe getting a cup of coffee. I was even willing
to let him pick the place. I'm not much of a coffee drinker. I
ended the message by saying, "I finally finished reading your book, Eeee
Eeee Eeee. I liked it." It wasn't until later that I
realized I had spelt the title wrong. It's called, Eeeee Eee Eeee.
It's probably safe to say I don't expect to hear back from him at this
point.

In my free time I've been watching a lot of movies and
eating chips. Sometimes I do this at home and other times I do it at the
movie theatre. Just last week I was watching a movie at the theatre and
eating some chips. This irritated the person sitting in front of
me. "Why do you have to crinkle the bag so much?" they asked.

I didn't know. I didn't know why I had to crinkle the
bag and I didn't know that it was such a problem.

I have to admit I haven't been completely innocent while I
wait for Tao Lin to respond to my emails. It's a little childish and
embarrassing, but I've been completing little feats of sabotage to his
Wikipedia page. It began with putting up a link that advertised a
conversation between me and him, with the link bringing you to the unregistered
url of: www.taolindoesntrespondtomyemailsanymore.net. Then I
added A Million Little Pieces to his bibliography. That wasn't as
good of a prank I admit, but the first one was so much fun that I wanted to try
something else. Unfortunately, I've become addicted and the tragic part
is that in the process my creativity has suffered as seen in my last two
attempts of false internet propaganda. One, I changed the publication
date of all his books to '666' and Two, I changed the title of Eeeee Eee
Eeee to Peeee Pee Peee.

I also called his publisher once to see if they could get me
in touch with him, but they haven't called back.

...
I made up most of it except the first line, you responded though so I'll have
to change the ending.
Anyway, next question:
You're working on a new novel and you have a book of poems coming out in a few
months, do you have anything in mind for the next project after these two, or
are you just going to call it quits and go into obscurity?

TAO LIN I don't
know what I'll do yet. I am pretty sure I will not "go into
obscurity." That is boring unless I do it in an extreme way like completely
disappear from everyone I know. Maybe I would do that, probably not. I think I
want to write more professional 20-page short stories in the style of Lorrie
Moore and Joy Williams after I finish my next novel. Oh, wait, I just
remembered some things. I am going to write a novella for Melville House's new
series of contemporary novellas, I might write some kind of non-fiction book
about shoplifting or "the literary world," or focus on a press that I
want to start.

EDY feel free to
answer this with your own video or just in written words:

Tao Lin never respond
to this question…

EDY Okay, this is
the last question and then you can say goodbye or you can just say 'goodbye' as
your answer to this question and that will be it. This has dragged out
long enough. A sense of conclusion would be nice. So here it is, in a
more traditional sense:

What's the last book you read and would you consider
rewriting it and if you did consider rewriting what would you change?
...Okay, this is going to be a batch of questions. Feel free to say
'goodbye' at any time:
How many shirts do you expect to sell?
What would you do if you saw someone you didn't know wearing one of your shirts
on the train?
What was the last date you went on like?
Do you believe in dating?
Who would you date if you could date anyone?
If you wrote a poem called date, but in it you had to date a squirrel do you
think it would get accepted if you tried publishing it under the pseudonym
"Franklin Dovecharts"
We should both write that poem and submit it to the same place under the same
name, do you think this would be a good idea?
Would they get mad?
How many times do you brush your teeth a week?
The end?

TAO LIN “What
would you do if you saw someone you didn't know wearing one of your shirts on
the train?”

If I am feeling "good" I might try to take a cell
phone picture of them without them seeing me. If I am feeling "bad" I
will go away from them to avoid social interaction. I will do what I need to do
to be alone and get away from them.

“Who would you date if you could date anyone?”

Someone famous who did it independently with self-aware and somewhat
sarcastic purposes of wanting to "defeat" corporations "for
fun" (but also knowing it's justifiable morally) or something. Famous
people are bored of life, that is how they became famous, they are not
"satisfied," they don't sit around complaining about
boredom while secretly not feeling bored or something. They are bored of
people and of "hanging out." They try to do things in
concrete reality to relieve boredom, like get really famous. I believe famous
people are the most bored people there are, how else did they become so famous?
They have low tolerance for nothingness and existential despair. (Or else are
not affected by these things, because they have not become aware of these
things enough for them to be affected, that is a possibility also.) They can't
sit there feeling the arbitrary nature of the universe allowing it to make
their existence and consciousness arbitrary also or something. They want to
"defeat" everyone else by making themselves more famous and powerful
than everyone else, not by making others less powerful and more depressed.
These are just some thoughts I'm having right now. Life is really strange and
when I think about it it's sad and I feel emotional. It makes me reckless with
saying things and thinking things. Earlier today I thought about how maybe I
just like being "better" than everyone else for purposes of just
walking around alone thinking, "I have defeated everyone else," not
for purposes actually of attracting other people, like a person to be in a
relationship with me or something. Being alone feeling successful and
"good." Feeling these things alone, like I'm another person, or like
there's no such thing as another person, it's just a single-player game. I
don't know if that is true. By "better" I mean "more
moral," "not obese," "healthier," "more
'exciting' and 'original' contributions to the universe," etc. I don't
know what actual person fits that description I made about a famous
person I would like to date. A version of Jenny Lewis or something. Actually I
think I was just describing myself, I'm not sure if I want to date myself.

Jim Sturgess was in that musical about the Beatles and is in both The Other Boleyn Girl and 21.

Here's an interview where he admits smuggling in cigars from Cuba. Also, the interview is by three other film reviewers and an idiot reviewer. You can guess who the idiot reviewer is.

We recently got a chance to sit down and talk with Chris Cooper about his new movie Married Life. The director of the movie, Ira Sachs, was there as well, but he hasn't won an oscar so everydayyeah.com doesn't really care about him so much. Actually, it's kind of funny to think that Chris Cooper is the first oscar winner willing to sit down with us. I'm sure there will be more. Anyway, here's the footage. Let me warn you, the results weren't good. He didn't take too kindly to me asking if he had low self-esteem. I was only able to salvage a few seconds. In a way, the end product isn't so much an interview as a short film, but Chris Cooper might disagree.

I hope you enjoyed watching Chris Cooper touch my roommate's mousepad.

as always this picture isn't a realistic representation of interviewed

I got a chance to
trade emails with Mr. Ben Tanzer over the past couple weeks. He’s an interesting character, but you can’t
help feel bad for him when you hear of how he got caught in the cult movement
of TBWCYL.

***

I believe it was you,
Ben Tanzer, who was curious about when you would receive your would receive
your official interview request from Everyday Yeah. I commend you on your
research. You figured us out pretty easy. I am a little confused though on why
you referred to yourself in the plural ("Our only remaining question is
when should we expect our official interview request?"). Does the man Ben
Tanzers only come in bulk, not individually sold? Maybe it is in response to
Everyday Yeah's use of the plural. Or maybe it is a condition from childhood
when your entire family died off and you used the pronoun "we" to
pretend you weren't alone in this cold world (If this last part is true then I
apologize it was never meant to be anything more than a weak joke). Anyway, to
answer your question, the interview starts now.

Why “we?” Good question. First off, not only is Lucky Man
author and TBWCYL, Inc. spokesperson Ben Tanzer a Gemini, but in fact consumed
his twin brother Aaron in utero and now feels obligated to ensure his voice is
heard by the world. Wow, was that wrong, it sounded good during the brainstorm.
Second, Ben Tanzer is a firm believer in past lives and since he is on fairly
good speaking terms with those he was before, Eleanor Roosevelt and Deney
Terrio just to name a few, he feels that when he speaks he speaks for all of
them. Wait a minute, our assistant says Deney Terrio is still alive, it’s just
his career that’s dead. Sorry. Third, and foremost though, we have this book
being released by an independent publisher with no marketing budget and we are
trying to figure out how to rise above the clutter and create a little buzz. We
have this idea that we can treat Lucky Man as more than a book, that it can be
marketed as an experience, a product that changes lives, cures the ill, and
maybe even makes the reader a better lover, writer, reader, gardener, junkie,
Furry, whatever their thing. We want the whole process to be like the monorail
episode of The Simpsons, except that we have to act like people want Lucky Man
and need Lucky Man even though we know, and they know, they don’t. It also
seems to us that a product has to come from a corporation of some kind, albeit
a faux corporation in this case, so we created Lucky Man, Inc. and then
developed “This Blog Will Change Your Life” as a platform for the new company
to spread the Lucky Man gospel. When we hit 100 posts we decided to re-brand
the company as TBWCYL, Inc. with the idea that it isn’t good business to focus
on Lucky Man alone when we want to write more books and launch more products,
for example, “This Podcast Will Change Your Life,” which we have launched,
“This Zine Will Change Your Life,” which we’re accepting submissions for now at
thiszinewillchangeyourlife@yahoo.com,
and “This Perfume Will Change Your Life,” which is still down the road a ways,
but is going to be a nice mix of cumin and cinnamon, with a touch of ocean
breeze and Zima. So, why “we?” Because Ben Tanzer is merely the spokesperson
for TBWCYL, Inc., representing the entire staff here at headquarters, everyone
from the typesetters to the CEO. It’s a team effort, and there is no “I” in team.

It's funny that you
mention eating your twin brother while in your womb because my roommate said he
did that once or maybe I'm just imagining things. Anyway, what has been
your response (or what will be your response) when people come to you upset
that even though TBWCYL did change their life it changed it for the
worst. Their lives, which used to be pleasant, are horrible messes.
I mean, are you guys really at fault?

That’s a great question. Our lawyers state we are not, or
would not be, at fault. No life-changing agreements have been signed, and as no
true advertising is in place, no false advertising theoretically exists. We
would add, that we have regularly reminded the followers of This Blog Will
Change Your Life that what we can mainly offer them is the possibility for
change of some kind, sometimes good, sometimes bad, and hopefully more of the
former. Still, your question nags at us, not unlike the oozing boil we’ve had
in the crook of our arm since our early days in New York City. Not an ongoing
distraction, but a presence, and a reminder of the roads not taken. Frankly,
what truly nags at us is not that we might ruin a life here or there, that
happens all the time on the kinds of meteoric climbs to the top we are
currently engaged in. And when it happens, we feel bad, but we move on, we have
to. No, what nags at us, is that despite what we believe to be an overtly
tongue-in-cheek, not to mention unabashedly narcissistic send-up of like
campaigns, there still might be people who believe they really do need
something like Lucky Man to change their lives and so their disappointment is
more profound, and their rejection more intense, when it does not. That would be
most unfortunate for everyone involved, especially when all we could then offer
them is a signed, limited edition, hemp-based TBWCYL, Inc. T-shirt from
American Apparel.

Oh, I'm a fan of
T-shirts. I once got a calvin and hobbes t-shirt in sixth grade and would
only wear it to dances. Then eventually it got old, but I kept wearing it
up through college. It's since been retired. Tell me what t-shirt
are you wearing right now. Also, I suggest that you add http://whatchedgewears.blogspot.com/ to your daily rotation of blogs to check out. Lastly, I ask you, who is
deb?

Yes, we also love the t-shirt, we think of it as a staple
really, like buttless chaps, and today we are wearing a navy blue, long-sleeved
t-shirt with sweat whisking capabilities. Not so coincidentally, the shirt
happens to contain the links for our publisher Manx Media - www.manxmedia.com.luckyman/htm - our blog “This Blog Will Change Your Life” - http://bentanzer.blogspot.com/ - and
the home of our YouTube faux marketing videos - http://www.youtube.com/user/bentanzer.
Crazy, right? Meanwhile, we will be sure to visit the blog you have recommended
and are thinking about how best to answer that proverbial question, “who is
deb?” We think this question is a fine one, but more important to us than “who
is deb,” would be “what is deb,” and maybe more accurately, what is Deb to
TBWCYL, Inc.? We also think that the best way to respond is to direct you
to the following lyrics from the song “You’re the Inspiration” by the
groundbreaking band Chicago, because more than anything we can say, these
lyrics answer the question simply and sweetly and without any kind of agenda.
We would add though, that is helps to add “Deb” prior to any use of “you’re” and
following any use of “you.”

“(Deb) You're the meaning in my life

(Deb) you're the inspiration.

(Deb) You bring feeling to my life

(Deb) you're the inspiration.

Wanna have you (Deb) near me

I wanna have you (Deb) hear me sayin'

No one needs you (Deb) more than I need you (Deb).

Speaking of Chicago
(and I must cry ignorance on the subject, this question is only to help my own
knowledge of the band) which member would you most like to have as your father,
which one would you most be willing to kiss, which one would you like to be
picked up by hitchhiking, which one would you let sleep in your bed, and which
one would you only allow to sleep on the couch?

You touch on a really interesting and somewhat painful
subject for us, though we recognize that on some unconscious level we pushed
you to ask this question. At TBWCYL, Inc. we like to separate the professional
from the personal, we feel there’s not just more mystery that way, but stronger
boundaries between the staff and our adoring, albeit some times unrelenting
fans. When it comes to Chicago though, our feelings are so raw we think it’s
better to let our guard down and just respond. You asked which member of
Chicago would we most like to be our father, and so here and now we would like
to address the fact that TBCWYL, Inc. spokesperson Ben Tanzer has fought a
long, some times disheartening battle to prove that Peter Cetera the former
lead singer of Chicago is in fact his biological father. As Ben’s mother Judy
tells it, back in 1968 as Chicago was starting its climb to the top, and for
the record still called Chicago Transit Authority, they passed through Ben’s
native Manitoba for a show, and Judy found herself spending a long romantic
evening with Mr. Cetera their budding star. Nine months later Ben arrived.
Chicago never came back through town and Judy’s calls to Mr. Cetera went
unreturned. For many years Ben heeded his mother’s request and kept this
assignation a secret, but recently he has sought validation in the form of Mr.
Cetera acknowledging Ben as his progeny. Ben would like to add here, that this
effort has nothing to do with his desire to bring extra attention to him at the
same moment Lucky Man happens to be fighting for increased buzz and Markey
share, but he does hope that Mr. Cetera will see this interview and be moved to
respond to one desperate son’s desire to connect with his real father. Ben
knows this is a long shot of course, but he still believes in dreams. He also
invites you to visit his website www.peterceteraismyfatherandicanproveit.com for further documentation and support of his claims, DNA test, motel receipts,
etc., and hopes that while you are there you will consider buying his new
self-published memoir Daddy, Come Home, The Sad Yet Ultimately Triumphant Story
of Peter Cetera’s Bastard Canadian Son.

That's a very
touching story, but in a way isn't your creation just a grand marketing scheme
on the part of Chicago? Has TBWCYL given any thought into littering the
countryside with thousands of pregnant mothers filled with illegitimate bastards?
At least half those children would grow up desperately seeking fatherly love
and you could easily put them to work in the name of TBWCYL.

Wow, it’s amazing watching our house of cards collapse
Mamet-like all around us like this, though if we are to come clean the
conspiracy goes far beyond what you intimate. To summarize, I was approached in
2006 by a representative of Chicago who shall remain nameless. This
representative was looking to work with me, Ben Tanzer, then an obscure
Chicago-based writer, with a small, but fervid following, so as to achieve two
goals, one, generate buzz for Chicago as they entered their fifth decade in the
business by getting them a mention in the world-renowned website/blog “Everyday
Yeah” and two, further besmirch the reputation of former lead singer Peter
Cetera, whose acrimonious departure from the group and subsequent work with Amy
Grant, still left the members of his former band with a taste in their mouth so
acrid no amount of Redbull could kill it. Their plan was simple, ghostwrite a
life-changing novel, put my name on it, create a faux corporation and
corresponding blog, wait for “Everyday Yeah” to write a Lucky Man non-review,
casually ask for an interview, and then once granted, talk about the band as
often as possible, while simultaneously bashing Peter Cetera, who truth to be
told, I nor my mother have ever actually met. The plan has clearly progressed
like clockwork, better maybe than we could have hoped for, but not unlike Andy
Pettite, I now long for contrition. That said, this still leaves us with the
one question that the whole plan was always contingent on - how would “Everyday
Yeah” come across Lucky Man in the first place? And so if I too am allowed to
ask a question, I ask you this, how did “Everyday Yeah” come across the book?
Obviously, I’ve done what I could to subtly bring it to your attention, for
example, the subliminal messages I have been placing in the notes your mom puts
in your Transformers lunch box every morning, but what ultimately worked for us,
what got Lucky Man into your lives and into your heads, and how did your
non-review come about? Meanwhile, in terms of the second half of your question,
as I always tell my good friend Pete Anderson (www.petelit.com/), who clearly covets a staff position
here, we have plenty of work to go around at TBWCYL, Inc., it’s highly
satisfying, and we can offer any amount of the fatherly love you require.
However, if you want to work for us, you need to be prepared to stop paying
your mortgage and for you and your family to go hungry. If that’s cool with you
though, it’s definitely cool with us.

To answer your
question about how the non-review came about, it was something of luck.
At first, I actually forgot how I came upon your blog, but then I stumbled
across your link again at the Amy Guth blog and remembered she was the
reason. I don't know how I found her, but it happened. Let's turn
our attention to her for a bit. Are you guys good friends? What's
one thing that you know about her that no one else knows? What's one
thing she knows about you?

Interesting, now are Amy and I good friends? That’s a great
question. I like to think of us as best friends and I regularly ask her if I am
allowed to tell people that we are. She says “why do we have put labels on
everything, isn’t what we have special enough for you?” And you know what, that
works for me, because Amy is a very cool chick, a great writer, check out Three
Fallen Women, a very entertaining blogger, definitely check out Big Mouth
Indeed Strikes Again, and a real supporter of Lucky Man and mine, which I most
definitely appreciate. She’s also putting on a very cool literary fest this May
here in Chicago called the Pilcrow Lit Fest which you’re many readers can learn
more about at www.pilcrowlitefest.com/.
What I know about her that few others know, is that she formally sang in the
band Boyz N Girlz United, which has this really cool conceptual thing going for
it – it was a boy band with girls. Hot, right? I was actually their manager for
awhile, and Amy was sort of the fifth wheel. Things for the band kind of
imploded after Robbie left Amy for Britney while they were touring and Amy and
Robbie broke-up. Amy hates to talk about it, but after five or six drinks she
is known to refer to Britney as Yoko. What she knows about me is that I was
formerly a woman. There now everyone knows. And for the record, I’ve never felt
freer.

I feel honored that
you would share that with us. Speaking of your new found sexuality and
the mention of boy band phenomena, have you ever been in a boy band and if not
which one do you wish you were apart of?

You’re welcome, and no, despite much effort, and many long,
long, nights spent hanging out with Lou Pearlman, I’ve never been lucky enough
to land a coveted spot in a boy band. Now, which one do I wish I was part of,
that’s easy, O-Town, all the way. They were the last and the lamest of the boy
bands. They didn’t care that the whole fad was coming to a crashing halt. Or
that they couldn’t really sing or dance. Nor were they self-conscious about the
fact that their popularity was fueled in large part by their being endlessly
embarrassed on an unbelievably weak MTV reality show. They did what they had to
do, they hustled, and they spoke to me in a way that nobody had since NKOTB.
Rock on O-Town.

I once new a kid name
sean. His last name began with an O. People called him
O-town. I rode in his car once. I don't think he was in the
band. Anyway, what do people call you?
And also, how long do you want this interview to go on for?
I was thinking about putting it up soon, like real soon, but have enjoyed our
conversation. Maybe this can turn into something like an infinite
interview, no?

They call me Mr. Tanzer.

As far as how long this interview should go on for, I’ve
enjoyed it as well, and infinite sounds great, but by all means put it up as
soon as you’re ready, the audience can probably only take so much anyway. Also,
I realized that I wrote the Pilcrow Lit Fest’s website incorrectly, it isn’t
actually the Pilcrow Lite Fest, so should read www.pilcrowlitfest.com/.

And thanks for the interest, it really has been a lot of
fun.

Ben

So I guess this will continue on into infinity. Until we get there, love to everyone, especially you Mr. Tanzer.

One can only hope that people see The Signal instead of going to see George Romero's rehashed Zombie expulge Diary of the Dead. And despite your initial reaction to the following interview with directors Dan Bush, David Bruckner, and Jacob Gentry it is worth your time to see this movie.

Interview Transmission #1:

Interview Transmission #2

Interview Transmission #3

Everyday Yeah got a chance to sit down with Jon Poll. Mr. Poll is a first time director. He has a new movie coming out called Charlie Bartlett. He once hugged Judd Apatow. It was a manly exchange. I only say that because Leslie Mann was also hugging Mr. Apatow. That makes sense because they're married. Anyway, the point is that Mr. Apatow has his hand on every single comedy in Hollywood. Rumor has it that it was him who got Ellen Page pregnant for her role of Juno, not Michael Cera. Whether it's a good thing or not, this is the only instance where I found Mr. Apatow involved with Mr. Poll and his movie Charlie Bartlett.

Hope you enjoy the interview.

Interview Part 1:

Interview Part 2:

Ben Myers is a British writer. He wrote a book called The Book of Fuck. Zach Forsberg-Lary didn't read this book, but still gave it a harsh review. Mr. Myers thought this was funny so Zach sat down and traded questions with him across the Atlantic.

Zach Forsberg-Lary: Do you forgive me for my review of your work, "The Book of Fuck"? Why or why not? AND If you could choose one unfortunate fate/event to befall me (as Karmic retribution for my picking on you), what would happen to me?

Ben Myers: Of course. Your review made me laugh. And anyway, I've spent ten years writing about music and books and films for various magazines so I can hardly complain when I get a bad review. The fact that you never actually read the book was slightly frustrating. It was a brave move on your part to decimate the characters, the plot and the style of writing; braver still to call me 'fuck-face'.

Good reviews or bad reviews don't bother me much either way, but one thing I have noticed is that the only people who seem to violently hate anything I write come from America. Last year some sci-fi author wrote that he wanted to get on a plane to England to beat with me a lead pipe. I offered to meet him halfway so that we could fight like men, with our tops off and our fists poised. But the lazy fucker couldn't even be bothered to travel to the middle of the Atlantic ocean for a duel. He must have heard that I'm a strong swimmer.

Still. I guess growing up in American must inspire a lot of violence and hate in some people. Even my American friends have many odd 'issues' concerning violence, sex, money etc. Very aggressive attitudes. Once when I was in the US I had a real urge to break a window, but resisted – so I think there must be some truth in my theory.

As for karmic retribution, I'm not a violent fellow, but it would be funny if a small child punched you in the cock.

ZFL: I'll videotape one of my little cousins punching/kicking my loins and send you a copy. I strongly believe in fulfilling the karmic wills of others.

ZFL: You mentioned a Sci-Fi author who wanted a duel. Do you remember the name of the author? Was it George O'Har?

ZFL: I had a professor at Boston College named George O'Har. One of my favorites. The quote you gave sounded like it could have been him. Next question:
What was your first sexual experience like? How old were you? Where were you? What happened? Was it with your friend's grandma? Because mine wasn't.

ZFL: Mine was at a church youth group retreat on the roof of a building during a meteor shower (age 14).
I just noticed on the news that actor Heath Ledger died of a possible drug overdose in a Manhattan apartment. What's your favorite Heath Ledger film, and why? Mine is "Knight's Tale" because the leading lady was bangin' AND there was that part where all the medieval knights and courtiers broke out in a choreographed dance to a modern pop song.

BM: "Because the leading lady was bangin'". Come on Zach, you're embarrassing yourself. Don't you have wrestling training to go to or something?

ZFL: I agree, but also stand by the claim that Shannyn Sossamon [ed. note: nothing wrong with her, especially in Wristcutters: a love story] is "bangin'." But you're right, that's a lame reason to like a movie. I probably prefer Brokeback Mountain too (not to be confused with Brokeback Mountain 2: The Beckoning).
Do you think the apparent similarities (hopes, dreams, fears, humor, values) between people from different parts of the world are a result of cultural globalization? Do you think that the globalization of cultures is a positive or negative result of communication technology? Globalization of trade?

'I'm going to rape you, then slit your throat' ~ 'Could you please direct me to Leicester Square?'

ZFL: Thanks. That should keep me conversationally busy for a while (not to mention help me find my way around London).

BM: 'Appetite For Destruction' by Guns N' Roses. Any song off that will do. I'd take any note from the third bar of the second line of the chorus to 'Mr Brownstone'. I should point out however that everything else after 'Appetite For Destruction' was dog shit, as is most 'rock 'n' roll'.

ZFL: Oh. Silly me, I got that information from www.benmyers.com which links to your myspace page (myspace.com/bigbenmyers ) and discusses at length your book (The Book of Fuck) and your soon-to-be-published book (The Missing Kidney), as well as linking to your band reviews and poetry... But you're right, I must have done shitty research and found the wrong Ben Myers. Anyway, here's the quote I was referring to... on the FRONT PAGE of this other Ben Myers' website (a guy who just happens to have published books and articles with the exact same titles as your own and shares a myspace page with you). Anyway, that Ben Myers said " I also recently started drinking every day again. Then I gave it up again and haven't had a drop since Easter Monday. I'd like to say this choice of date has historical/religious significance but it is actually because I dramatically vomited and can't be bothered with getting fat from beer again." On benmyers.com. So I'd like to ask again, This time a little more clearly and carefully: "What is/was your favorite expensive beer, and what is/was your favorite cheap beer?"

BM: -No Response-

ZFL: My Guess: Disney's High School Musical 2

ZFL: Would you like a few serious-type questions next?

BM: Preferably yes. I'm starting to feel like I'm dying a little bit.

ZFL: Okay... Well then... Harumph... Ahem... How/when did you start writing? Is writing your only source of income? Do you make more/less/equal money than/to that which you believe you deserve? What are the pros and cons (as you experience them) of being a professional writer?

BM: I started writing at the age of four, using a pen and paper. Writing is all I do. Writing is my only source of income. Income is low, but anyone who writes for money is a fool. In fact, most people are fools anyway. I know I am., But I’d definitely be an even bigger fool if I got a – and I can barely even say this word – a job.

BM: It’s called The Missing Kidney. On the surface it is a book about the time I awoke in hospital to find that one of my kidneys had been removed. But as I wrote the story, it swiftly became an attempt to shoe-horn every single thought of every waking moment during one summer into a book. It’s about celebrating the minutiae of life, about finding heaven in a speck of dirt, hell in a car-horn. So a nice piece of fish I had for my tea shares equally billing with the subject of love; tarmac is considered as deeply as life itself. It is an attempt to find meaning within everything, a map of a self-created universe where signs and symbols take on deeper significance. Ultimately though the most potent symbol of all is that of a missing kidney, which comes to represent an irretrievable past, a childhood you can never return to, a vision of a disappearing Britain.

That wasn’t very succinct was it? It’s out in the UK in 2008 through Social Disease.

ZFL: Succinct enough for me. Thanks.

BM: I’ve just read some Bulgakov. He’s always inspiring. As is Richard Brautigan, who I keep returning to. I’ve read some Michel Houellebecq for the first time; decent, but not as smutty as people had me believe. I’ve read ‘Everyday’ by Lee Rourke. I’ve also just read Pete Doherty’s journals, which I found far more interesting than most have given him credit for. I don’t know how famous he is in the US, but in the UK he’s a tabloid fixture. I like books about bare knuckle gypsy boxers, as I like a bit of a box myself. I’m about to start reading a lovely books about trees. And I like books about poaching pheasants from dusky woodlands, but only ones that were written in 1950s, either by peasants or aristocrats, bit no-one in between. I have a three. I have ‘a collection’. I’m pretty much an expert.

BM: As people I like Billy Childish, Paddy Considine, Adelle Stripe, Serj Tankian and some huge school girl I just saw spitting on a passing bus. It look liked an oyster shot from a bazooka.

BM: Henry Miller seemed a nice chap. He has a lot to answer for. And Ol’ Dirty Bastard. What a life he lived. Richard Brautigan again. I’d like to have a conversation with Jim Jones too. What a horrible person. If he offered me a cup of Kool Aid I’d say “No thanks Jim, I’m OK.” I can’t think of anyone else who is dead. Mozart? Let’s go for Mozart.

BM: Claudius, spelled the Greek way – CLAVDIVS. And also an old English name, Ethelred. There’s not enough Ethelred’s around these days.

ZFL: Your favorite poem by Charles Bukowski? I only ask because we share a common interest (in addition to getting evicted from our respective flats and spending weeks at a time writing novels under the influence of illicit substances).

BM: Oh, I don’t know, I haven’t read much Bukowski recently. I’ll tell you the ones I don’t like though – all these dodgy posthumous collections they keep putting out. There’s a reason some of these works weren’t published in his lifetime – because they were never meant to be. Because they were gash. I think I’m in the minority of people who possibly prefer his prose to his poetry. I’m not sure I write ‘under the influence of drugs’, it’s more like I’ve previously taken drugs under the influence of writing, the most intoxicating thing of all. Anyway, as of this month I’m officially straight edge, which means I can only listen to Minor Threat and Negative Approach from now on.

ZFL: Congratulations on the "straight-edge" change/attempt. And upon re-inspection, I believe that the impression that you wrote "The Book of Fuck" while on drugs came from a random review I found somewhere online. You never said anything to give me that impression.

BM: Nope.

BM: You should listen to Gay For Johnny Depp from NYC because they signal the death of America as we know it. They are the last days of Rome in all its carnal glory told via the medium of electricity.

BM: Handily, I can answer these final questions in one word. And that word is: kedgeree.

Interview by Zach Forsberg-Lary

You may not be able to tell from this interview with Ms. Jennifer Venditti, but she is very talented. The interview isn't much more than a big Josh Brolin lovefest which I'm okay with, but for those looking to find out more about Ms. Venditti's movie Billy the Kid you've probably come to the wrong place. I'm okay with that, the conversation is good and she reveals the info on a sequel. Also, as always with the pictures of the interviewees, this picture doesn't do Jennifer Venditti justice. She is much prettier in real life, but she likes to keep it a secret. That is why you don't get to see her in this interview. She was worried what plans I had for the material on the internet. If she only knew.

For those looking for a more traditional interview they can go here.