name: Abacavir (uh-BAK-uh-veer) I used to work with this guy who had this fat buildup on the back of his neck. It was like an extra stomach or a rabbit’s jowl. For a long time I was convinced it was a storage pouch, as in he was some kind of medical freak who could build up a food supply for hibernation purposes. Of course, we—me and the other guys at work—were always giving him shit about it. We’d holler at him and he’d reply with an uneasy laugh as he nodded his head while his body cowered, bracing for some savage attack that never came. When you got right down to it, the biggest problem for him was with his choice of apparel. His shirt and tie were so tight that they ended up pushing the fatty bulge even higher on the back of his neck. Instead of going with a loose collar and not worrying about having the tie snug around his neck he made sure that his shirts rode flush on his skin. In a way, it seemed like these shirts were choking the insides right out of him. Who knows though, maybe he didn’t know how bad it looked back there, but considering the way the flap hung over the side of his collar it would be pretty tough not to know something was very wrong. Looking back I realize I’m not a good person and I’ve begun to understand that I’m probably not going to have a very enjoyable afterlife. The thing is though, this razing became part of the daily habit and it was what helped me get through the monotonous routine of office life. Plus, it was a blast to call out the name we christened him, “Buffalo Hump,” whenever he walked past our cubicles. The best was when the whole bunch of us would follow up these yells with farm animal noises which as a group sounded like the yawp of a dozen dying steers. Hell, I’m not going to say it wasn’t cruel the way we wouldn’t stop these barn sounds until he acknowledged us with a tip-of-the- cap-type gesture upon which all of us would rise and give him a standing ovation, it’s just how things went down. Most of the coworkers now admit, after what happened, that it was wrong to treat him like we did, but to be honest, even though most of us feel like shit and sick to our stomachs over the whole thing, deep down we miss the camaraderie we used to have in the office before Buffalo Hump died. For the most part, at least at first, he never seemed too upset from the way we acted. In fact, he even seemed grateful when we remembered his birthday and got him a cake with the words “Buffalo Hump” inscribed on top. I think he understood his role and accepted it. This is all before his appearance began to get noticeably weaker. His eyes seemed to sink into his head, and he was more and more weary. He even began to drop a lot of weight, though the neck bump remained as full as ever. Then one day he didn’t show up. “Where’s Buffalo Hump?” No one knew and we didn’t know for three days. Finally, our boss’s boss called us into the conference room and told us Buffalo Hump had passed away. He used his real name of course and for a few seconds most of us were wondering who he was talking about. Then it finally hit, Buffalo Hump was dead and we all felt it was partially our fault. Apparently, and we didn’t find this out until a few weeks later, Buffalo Hump was HIV positive. I’ve talked to many people since about this disease and many of them are confused. You see, the average person, including me, is probably HIV negative. This means we don’t have to worry about killing small animals immediately with the touch of our fingers. [note: I’ve since learned that HIV positive persons don’t have the ability to kill small animals with the touch of their fingers. I apologize to all the HIV positive persons who I refused to let pet my cat.] The reason it is important to know that Buffalo Hump was HIV positive is because he took a pill call Abacavir whose side effects include extra flab on the back of one’s neck. All this time and Buffalo Hump was the way he was because of a pill. All that enjoyment was thanks to a daily pill and its side effects. All that is needed is a pill and Buffalo Hump can return from the dead. For the past week we’ve been slipping Abacavir into the coffee of the guy who replaced Buffalo Hump. No neck fat has resulted, but we’re all confident Buffalo Hump II will rear its head soon. Rest in peace Buffalo Hump I. Other side effects for Abacavir include: liver damage, central obesity; facial arm, leg, and/ or buttock wasting; breast enlargement; and mentioned above, fat accumulation at the base of the neck. Also, there have been at least two instances where persons using Abacavir claim to know when doomsday will arrive at the hands of invisible bugs. information compiled by Mark Baumer