obituaries

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RIP Charlton Heston

This very skinny and crazy rat died recently. One time he thought he landed on a planet
where only apes existed. Then he started
thinking everyone should ride around on guns like witches, which wasn’t a bad
idea except that guns aren’t capable of doing that. Then this really overweight guy who is good
at making everyone look foolish sat down with him and made him look foolish.

Most people thought this was a good way to end the movie so
this overweight man ended the movie with Charlton Heston walking away like an
old crippled man. I don’t know what I
thought. On the one hand I never met the
guy and this overweight man had made him foolish, but on the other hand he
wanted to make it so everyone could ride around on floating guns. This made him seem like an okay guy, but for
the most part I just forgot about him after the overweight man made him look
foolish.

Then he died and everyone started talking about how he was
in the movie with the apes and how he once won a trophy for being in another
movie.

I don’t think anyone cried for the dead Charlton
Heston. Maybe his family did. I do not know his family. I do not know if they cried.

The day he died I walked around a city, mostly wandering,
going into the occasional shop, but not much other than that happened. I did not see his family.

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RIP Herb Peterson

There once was this rat named Herb Peterson. He liked diet soda and eating eggs. Only eggs are important in this rat’s life
story because his greatest feat was creating something which every American
child has at some time or another been curious about.

In 1972, Herb was broke. His family was eating twigs just to survive. Fortunately he lived in the greatest nation in
the world and knew that there was always hope. His salvation would be the egg. On a cold February morning Herb took his family’s last egg (they had eaten
the chicken the night before) and slapped it on an English muffin (they had
used all of the American wonder bread to lure the Chicken into their
oven). At first he was a little weary of
the concoction, but hunger took over and after one bite he knew he had stumbled
upon genius. Instead of finishing the
sandwich he put it in his pocket wrapped in the previous day’s newspaper and
set out to find someone who would understand his genius. He went to all the great staples of American
dinning: KFC, Taco Bell, Hooters, Pizza Hut. Each of them took a bit of the creation and passed. They said it wasn’t for them. Eventually he was down to one last bite and
he decided to knock on old Ronald McDonald’s door. Of course, the rest is history. We salute you Mr. Egg McMuffin inventor. I hope they fill your coffin up with eggs.

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RIP Brad Renfro

I first met Brad Renfro in sixth grade English class. Someone had written, “Brad Renfro is my honey” on the desk I was sitting at.

I didn’t know who he was so I wrote, “Who is Brad Renfro?” Next class I found my answer, “Brad Renfro is so fucking sexy it makes my insides hurt.” I thought this was very odd because the only person who made my insides hurt was Suzie Cushing and it wasn’t because she was sexy. At least, at that point in her life, she wasn’t someone I would call sexy. Still, she had a certain flare to her. She liked to suck on watermelon blowpops in science class with Mr. Woodward*. I liked to eat that kind too. She would always have an extra one for me if I let her copy my homework. I didn’t hesitate. At some point, whether it was after she began passing me notes with funny pictures of Mr. Woodward or when I caught chicken pox from sharing an orange soda with her, I fell in love with Suzie Cushing. Unfortunately, we were a little young to start a family and by the second week in April other girls were giving me candy and things to copy my homework. There was this one girl named Jen and she was always giving me baseball cards she stole from her older brother.

Anyway, Brad Renfro is now dead. It took me a few years to figure out who he was, but by the time Apt Pupil came out I knew who “my honey” was.

*This is a little confusing. I did not mean that she like to suck blowpops with Mr. Woodward in science class. No, I meant that she liked to suck blowpops in science class which was taught by Mr. Woodward.

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RIP that old guy

Nicholas Kao Se Tseien is dead. He was 110 years old. It is unclear how he died. Some believe he passed away in his sleep. One supposed witness claims that they saw Nicholas get run over by a bus in Topeka. Though investigators don’t want to rule anything out they are unsure if it is possible for a man to get run over by a bus in Kansas when he’s never left the continent of Asia. Not a lot is known about the life of Nicholas. Reports that he was an avid fan of Chinese checkers in his later years have since been proven to be false. There have been numerous claims that Nicolas smelt strange for at least the last forty years of his life, but this hardly even warrants comments. Other claims have been brought forward that he was particularly hard of hearing once his age hit triple digits. People who knew him best will remember the yellow coat he loved to wear. He would often admit that if it weren’t for people telling the color of his jacket he would never know what color it was. Nicholas Kao Se Tseien’s last meal was a half jar of mayonnaise. To learn more about Nicholas go here.

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RIP Bob Craig Knievel, Jr.

Bob Craig Knievel, Jr. died on November 30, 2007. He was 69 years old. Initial reports from the coroner claim that Bob Craig died as the result of complications stemming from diabetes and idiopathic pulmonary fibrosis which he had been suffering from for many years. Many who knew Bob Craig called him a daredevil or insane, but he often responded by saying, “A rat’s got to eat too don’t they?” And eat he did. He ate for at least 67 of the 69 years he lived. In fact, many in the competitive eating circuit point to Bob Craig as the inspiration that led them to choose the path they chose. Many know of Bob Craig for his death defying stunts on the motorcycle or his record number of broken bones, but I would like to take a second and remember a few of his lesser known feats. Bob Craig was a world class pole vaulter in the army during his early years and was said to have fleeced the 1960 Olympic Czechoslovakakian hockey team out of some money in a fundraising game between the Czechs and a rag-tag team Bob Craig threw together. In a plan of utter genius Bob Craig got himself tossed early in the third period and then made his way to the box office where he stole the cashbox. Of course, none of this was ever proved to be true just as it was never proven that he had in fact broken into the Butte, Montana courthouse to finance his first motorcycle. Another unsubstantial report is that Beverly Cleary’s children’s book, The Mouse and the Motorcycle, is based upon the life of Bob Craig. Though the author has never fully admitted to this fact, it appears obvious that this is the case, seeing there aren’t any other suitable influences than Bob Craig himself. With the death of Bob Craig upon us, many of his loyal followers can’t quite bring themselves to believe the news of his farewell and many refuse to believe he went out with such a whimper. There has been a growing movement who point to autopsy photos as proof that Bob Craig didn’t die of the natural causes, but passed away still attempting to live up to the legend of being America’s greatest stuntman.

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