Acamprosate (ah-CAM-pro-sate) “I know it’s cliché, but I wish I had a shirt that said, ‘I have a drinking problem and all my doctor gave me was this lousy bottle of Acamprosate,’ or maybe I could get a cookie. I like cookies. It’d be nice if the doctor, while explaining all side effects, gave me a cookie to distract me from what he’s saying. ‘Here’s a cookie, now I just want to let you know the drug I’m prescribing can give you: diarrhea, depression, suicidal thoughts, sleep problems, and an inability to operate dangerous machinery.’ If I had a cookie I’d be less worried about the possibility of my dirty assed body dangling from a noose with a bottle of pills at my feet. “‘This will help you,’ he said. ‘How so?’ I asked and he went off on this long spiel about how ‘unlike other drugs used to help people with alcohol problems this pill treats the patient’s chemical imbalance rather than the person themselves.’ Anyway, I don’t believe any of that. I mostly take these pills because I enjoy the chalky bitterness I get in my mouth when I chew them. “The doctor was pretty lenient on his directions for ingestion too. ‘When do I take these?’ I asked. ‘Whenever you have a craving for a drink,’ he said. ‘Well doc, I don’t think one bottle is enough,’ I said. I was kind of being serious, but I laughed a little to keep the conversation lighthearted. My doctor wasn’t amused. He had seen my type before. “The problem is that now I don’t just take Acamprosate when I have a craving for alcohol. I take it when I have diarrhea even though I know it’s the cause of my loose bowels. For some reason, I’ve grown accustomed to the soothing feeling I get from chewing these pills. I also take it when I begin feeling depressed and when I can’t sleep at night. Sometimes I pop a pill when I wake up and find my kids have spilled their breakfasts on the carpet. Occasionally, I give them a pill, but I don’t think they like them as much as me. And god knows I take a few pills anytime my pregnant wife finds it important to talk to me. She’s a little more accepting of the pills I offer her.” information compiled by Mark Baumer

Name Tacrolimus

Type of Drug Immunosuppressive

Prescribed For: Organ transplantation
Eczema treatment
Trans-human cyborg sustenance

name: A-200 Gel Concentrate
I had eyebrow lice and the doctor gave me a new form of A-200 Gel Concentrate. It came in bubble gum form. You supposedly chewed it and the infestation of the eyebrows was cured.
Okay, I’m not being honest. Greater follies have been accepted. The bugs aren’t on my eyebrows and the doctor didn’t give me a bubble gum remedy. I got a shampoo and a slip of paper with special directions and precautionary warnings. The shampoo burns the areas (not my eyebrows) that are infected. I have to keep it in for five minutes. I can almost hear the lice frying their brains as they breathe in and drink the shampoo suds. They’re enjoying the high. Soon they will overdose and I will be lice free.
information compiled by Mark Baumer

Name: Risperidone

Prescribed for:
Schizophrenia (that fake illness people love to pretend is real)

General Information
I’m not even entirely sure that Risperidone is anything more than a sugar pill. Maybe there’s some aspirin thrown in there to give it a medicine taste, but that’s about it. I mean, I’m a chemist, but I’ve never actually done a chemical analysis of those pills. I spend my time finding cures for real diseases. Schizophrenia? That shit is made up. I’m serious. How do I know that? My whore of an ex-wife allegedly suffered from it. But I’m 100% positive she was just using it to milk sympathy from the judge at our divorce proceedings.

You see, one of the reasons we separated in the first place was that Gina would have these crazy mood swings. We’d be sitting down for a nice dinner I had prepared, and she’d go from sweet and loving to bitchy and violent in a matter of seconds. Or I’d wake up in the middle of the night and find her sleeping on the floor, sucking her thumb and saying how she didn’t want to go to Kindergarten the next day. Fucked up, right? That’s what I thought. So I fucking divorced her.

Problem was, that bitch found some doctor to tell the judge that she had schizophrenia. Yeah, right. My wife had chicken pox when she was seven. She told me that herself! You can’t get schizophrenia if you’ve already had the chicken pox. That’s a fact. I’m a chemist. I should know. Besides, it was clear the she didn’t even have any hives on her body. That’s like the number one sign that a person has schizophrenia!

Cautions and Warnings

name: Abacavir (uh-BAK-uh-veer) I used to work with this guy who had this fat buildup on the back of his neck. It was like an extra stomach or a rabbit’s jowl. For a long time I was convinced it was a storage pouch, as in he was some kind of medical freak who could build up a food supply for hibernation purposes. Of course, we—me and the other guys at work—were always giving him shit about it. We’d holler at him and he’d reply with an uneasy laugh as he nodded his head while his body cowered, bracing for some savage attack that never came. When you got right down to it, the biggest problem for him was with his choice of apparel. His shirt and tie were so tight that they ended up pushing the fatty bulge even higher on the back of his neck. Instead of going with a loose collar and not worrying about having the tie snug around his neck he made sure that his shirts rode flush on his skin. In a way, it seemed like these shirts were choking the insides right out of him. Who knows though, maybe he didn’t know how bad it looked back there, but considering the way the flap hung over the side of his collar it would be pretty tough not to know something was very wrong. Looking back I realize I’m not a good person and I’ve begun to understand that I’m probably not going to have a very enjoyable afterlife. The thing is though, this razing became part of the daily habit and it was what helped me get through the monotonous routine of office life. Plus, it was a blast to call out the name we christened him, “Buffalo Hump,” whenever he walked past our cubicles. The best was when the whole bunch of us would follow up these yells with farm animal noises which as a group sounded like the yawp of a dozen dying steers. Hell, I’m not going to say it wasn’t cruel the way we wouldn’t stop these barn sounds until he acknowledged us with a tip-of-the- cap-type gesture upon which all of us would rise and give him a standing ovation, it’s just how things went down. Most of the coworkers now admit, after what happened, that it was wrong to treat him like we did, but to be honest, even though most of us feel like shit and sick to our stomachs over the whole thing, deep down we miss the camaraderie we used to have in the office before Buffalo Hump died. For the most part, at least at first, he never seemed too upset from the way we acted. In fact, he even seemed grateful when we remembered his birthday and got him a cake with the words “Buffalo Hump” inscribed on top. I think he understood his role and accepted it. This is all before his appearance began to get noticeably weaker. His eyes seemed to sink into his head, and he was more and more weary. He even began to drop a lot of weight, though the neck bump remained as full as ever. Then one day he didn’t show up. “Where’s Buffalo Hump?” No one knew and we didn’t know for three days. Finally, our boss’s boss called us into the conference room and told us Buffalo Hump had passed away. He used his real name of course and for a few seconds most of us were wondering who he was talking about. Then it finally hit, Buffalo Hump was dead and we all felt it was partially our fault. Apparently, and we didn’t find this out until a few weeks later, Buffalo Hump was HIV positive. I’ve talked to many people since about this disease and many of them are confused. You see, the average person, including me, is probably HIV negative. This means we don’t have to worry about killing small animals immediately with the touch of our fingers. [note: I’ve since learned that HIV positive persons don’t have the ability to kill small animals with the touch of their fingers. I apologize to all the HIV positive persons who I refused to let pet my cat.] The reason it is important to know that Buffalo Hump was HIV positive is because he took a pill call Abacavir whose side effects include extra flab on the back of one’s neck. All this time and Buffalo Hump was the way he was because of a pill. All that enjoyment was thanks to a daily pill and its side effects. All that is needed is a pill and Buffalo Hump can return from the dead. For the past week we’ve been slipping Abacavir into the coffee of the guy who replaced Buffalo Hump. No neck fat has resulted, but we’re all confident Buffalo Hump II will rear its head soon. Rest in peace Buffalo Hump I. Other side effects for Abacavir include: liver damage, central obesity; facial arm, leg, and/ or buttock wasting; breast enlargement; and mentioned above, fat accumulation at the base of the neck. Also, there have been at least two instances where persons using Abacavir claim to know when doomsday will arrive at the hands of invisible bugs. information compiled by Mark Baumer

name: Adrucil "Adrucil: Not just for vaginas anymore!" Reads the popular slogan of this common household treatment for cancer symptoms. Adrucil comes in a "big needle"-style easy-applicator. Medical companies maintain that the drug should only be administered by a trained medical professional, but there are some dot com medical supply companies based in Thailand that sell nearly a week's supply of the drug for only pennies. A distribution company in Mexico advertises collectible applicator-needles in a variety of "fun colors and designs." Next time you need to stop the nausea and vomiting caused by chemotherapy, try Adrucil. Just watch out for these snazzy side-effects: changes in eyesight; dry skin; fatigue or weakness; hair loss; headache; itchy rash; loss of appetite; nail changes; nausea; sensitivity to the sun; decreased blood cell count; etc. And even if your friends are all doing it and egging you on, DON'T mix Adrucil with methotrexate: the results aren't nearly as fun as this combination sounds.

Name
Eflornithine

Type of Drug
Hair-growth inhibitor

Prescribed For:
Unattractive body hair (especially females)
Hair-growth inhibition on palms of hand (chronic masturbators)
Cosmetic alteration for werewolves

General Information
Eflornithine was originally developed by chemists at the LaRoche Drug Institute in 1937. Its intended use was as a mind-control serum that would allow OSS operatives to interrogate captured Nazis more successfully. However, ingesting the substance only caused severe convulsions and lucid waking nightmares. Its accidental application on the forearm of a particularly hirsute SS Kommandant inspired Dr. Melford Dwarzen to exploit this unintended side effect. First marketed as “Epi-Joy: A Cosmetic Supplement for Her Most Intimate Parts,” the formula for Eflornithine lapsed into the public domain in 1976 and was re-marketed by Enviro-Corps (a division of the Hartfield Group) as “Lupiderm.” It’s present commercial application is in the de-foliation of werewolves for cosmetic purposes.

Cautions and Warnings
It is important to note that Eflornithine (or Lupiderm) will not cure lycanthropy or other related strains of werewolfism. Rather, it provides a low-cost, low-effort alternative to silver bullets and gypsy remedies. Its effect is to simply allow victims of lycanthropy to more easily blend in with other members of society while the full moon shines. Be aware that other wolfish tendencies will persist despite application of Eflornithine, such as fangs, razor-sharp claws, a distended snout, yellow eyes which peer from the darkness and strike terror into the hearts of humans, a lust for blood, and a burning sensation while urinating.

Possible Side Effects