An interview with Ironman I champion Aaron Fix

EDY First off, what is the Ironman exactly and what does it mean to you?

Brendan Dougherty, the young Greek, woke up early. He couldn’t sleep. Though his faith had rewarded him so many times in the past, he still worried that not all would be right.

Minneapolis, MN (AP) – In a surprise* move, the Minnesota Twins dealt leftie Johan Santana to apartment 12A Sutherland Road in Brighton, MA, in exchange for a little known prospect. The Twins dealt Santana on Monday for Mark Baumer, a former designated hitter for the Wheaton College Lyons (Division III). Baumer played four seasons for the Lyons, highlighted by a 2005 in which he hit .318 with 8 doubles and 9 home runs for an OPS of .952. His production fell off sharply in his senior year of 2006. “Obviously, looking at our run production last year, we needed to do something drastic,” said new Twins general Manager Bill Smith, who has also acquired the elderly Craig Monroe since being named GM after Terry Ryan’s retirement. “The combination of Baumer and Monroe should give us some right-handed power in the middle of the lineup, and some protection for our young lefties.” Those “young lefties” are catcher Joe Mauer and first baseman Justin Morneau, each of whom have already spoken out criticizing the deal. Smith has already had to defend himself after many players and fans pointed out that Monroe hit .219 last season, was designated for assignement in August as a 30-year old, and is severely overpaid. He will now have his work cut out for himself trying to justify the decision to deal a two-time Cy Young Award winner who is arguably the best left-handed pitcher in the world for an out of shape former division III athlete who has never taken a minor league at-bat.

Brighton, MA (AP) – After asking everyone in the room if they wanted to play cards and being roundly refused, two fat chicks decided to play a one-on-one game of “asshole” in the early hours of the morning at a party on Sutherland Road.

BRIGHTON, Ma. (AP) – Mark Baumer converted 2 out of 3 attempted lies for a .667 average before scampering from the room and declaring the conversation over, sealing his 2-0 victory against Aaron Fix on opening night of World Knowledge Quest play.